Morgan

@morgansarah
Community Voices

i was talking with this guy for 3 weeks and i of course grew attached to him. he told me he didn’t want anything serious and it has left me a mess. i can’t stop crying, i have no interest in doing anything in life, i’m so tired after a full nights sleep, and i can’t focus on anything. is it possible to fall into a full blown depressive episode from things as minor as this? i feel crazy. i just want this feeling to go away, i am having passing suicidal thoughts again. i feel like i am going to be alone forever. maybe it’s better that way

4 people are talking about this
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today i received news that was very harsh and critical. ever since then, it’s been 8 hours since i heard of the news, i have been stewing in anger. i am so angry i feel like i could give myself a stroke. i can honestly say i have never felt this level of anger and hatred. when i think of the people involved in the situation, it literally makes me so angry that i feel sick. i have never been so angry that i get nauseous until now. i am trying to calm down and i am trying to not go and drink to just distract myself. i tried to go in public and interact with other people, but every small little thing pisses me off to no end. i went to the gym and the trainer didn’t respond to me in a way that i liked so i got short, rolled my eyes, and walked away while he was still talking. now i feel like i hate him and never want to see him again. splitting, of course. i looked it up, and i guess there is such a thing as a bpd rage attack and i can honestly say i would rather be depressed for days rather than feel like i have to isolate myself or else i’ll be a volatile asshole. i’m so over everything. i am trying to cut myself some slack, but my brain is just not having it. bpd is so fun, it’s just great, i couldn’t ask for a better quality of life!!! 😀 (sarcasm)

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i can’t take my thoughts anymore, they torture me. it’s gotten so bad lately that all i look forward to is when i can workout so i can just focus on my breathing or when i can go to sleep. i ruin everything and whenever a guy gets to know me, he doesn’t want me. i don’t know if im ugly or just simply have a shit personality, or both. i just want someone to like me. i feel so alone. no one ever talks to me as a first option, im only there for people as a backup when they have nothing better to do. this is all happening because i put myself out there for dating and i got rejected and my whole sense of self has fallen apart. i keep wondering what is wrong with me. i literally ask them to tell me specifically what is wrong with me and they won’t. maybe it’s because my ex boyfriend wrote a list on everything he hated about me and i saw it and it at least put my mind at ease to know. it’s almost as if my brain secretly likes getting abused. i told my most recent ex boyfriend to verbally abuse me and even asked for him to hit me so it would make it easier for me to get over him. who does that?? i am so sick in the head it is disgusting. i disgust myself. i say i wonder why guys don’t like me meanwhile i absolutely despise myself. i assume that everyone thinks i’m a piece of shit who is ugly. i can’t take it anymore, these thoughts they are unbearable. i need to get away from them but i’m stuck with them. i want to be gone, wiped from the earth as if i never was here. i see my baby pictures and get angry that i was ever born. i blow out birthday candles wishing it would be the last time i have to blow out candles for another year lived. people always say they are there for you, but are they really? no. people only care when it’s too late. when i reach out to people they take forever to reply and act like i’m dramatic or brush me off. i wish someone would care about me the way i care for them, but maybe if i finally got that type of “caring” i would realize that my level of caring is actually scary and unhealthy. i over share, i trust blindly, and i get mad when someone doesn’t live up to the false persona that i made up in my head of who they are. i am never sure if someone is being nice to me or if they just pity me. there is no way, no way at all that this kind of thinking is reversible. i have the most vile toxic thoughts that i feel too far gone to ever be lovable. i want to get away from my thoughts. the only thing i have improved on is the fact that i sit with these thoughts and let them torture me instead of getting black out drunk and making things worse. i wish someone who dismissed me would switch minds with me for a day and see how it is, i don’t think they’d last more than a day.

7 people are talking about this
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the guy that i’m talking to of course slowly stopped talking to me. i couldn’t stand it anymore and was making myself so crazy that i told him i have bpd and it helps if he explicitly says how he feels to me so i don’t misread it and freak out. well… that didn’t go well which i should have known, seems like everyone runs once they hear the word borderline. i didn’t even like him in the first place but now it’s on my mind 24/7. asking myself how i manage to ruin everything, why no one likes me, what do i do wrong to make them go away, why do i deserve this treatment, and it goes on and on. it’s mental torture, i don’t think i am exaggerating. i tear myself apart and think of every negative thing i could have done and then i get embarrassed for myself and wish i could take it all back. it was stupid of me to get involved with him, he is 32 with a baby and i’m 23… and he is still playing games. grow up at least. i want to text him and completely shit on him, but i can’t do that because i know it’s wrong and i’m getting better. it seems like i continue to get the same types of guys just all in different bodies. they treat me like i’m disposable and like i don’t matter. when i bring up my concerns, i’m never consoled; only treated as if i am crazy. i am trying to break the thought process that they’re all the same, but everyday it gets harder and harder. knowing me, if he texts me later i will completely switch my mindset and go back to liking him, which probably won’t happen because now i am labeled in his mind and borderline is so stigmatized that it is almost impossible to tell someone and not have them think less of you or stay away from you. i want to stop obsessing on why he’s not texting me and literally bullying myself in my head 24/7. i want to crawl out of my skin and just be normal for once. i just want someone to stay and i want to feel safe with someone. writing this is making me cry, something i haven’t been able to do but i wanted to to get it out. i hate myself so much and i always think of how stupid i am to think that someone else could like me. i just want to sleep the day away and not have to be stuck with these thoughts.

16 people are talking about this
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the guy that i’m talking to of course slowly stopped talking to me. i couldn’t stand it anymore and was making myself so crazy that i told him i have bpd and it helps if he explicitly says how he feels to me so i don’t misread it and freak out. well… that didn’t go well which i should have known, seems like everyone runs once they hear the word borderline. i didn’t even like him in the first place but now it’s on my mind 24/7. asking myself how i manage to ruin everything, why no one likes me, what do i do wrong to make them go away, why do i deserve this treatment, and it goes on and on. it’s mental torture, i don’t think i am exaggerating. i tear myself apart and think of every negative thing i could have done and then i get embarrassed for myself and wish i could take it all back. it was stupid of me to get involved with him, he is 32 with a baby and i’m 23… and he is still playing games. grow up at least. i want to text him and completely shit on him, but i can’t do that because i know it’s wrong and i’m getting better. it seems like i continue to get the same types of guys just all in different bodies. they treat me like i’m disposable and like i don’t matter. when i bring up my concerns, i’m never consoled; only treated as if i am crazy. i am trying to break the thought process that they’re all the same, but everyday it gets harder and harder. knowing me, if he texts me later i will completely switch my mindset and go back to liking him, which probably won’t happen because now i am labeled in his mind and borderline is so stigmatized that it is almost impossible to tell someone and not have them think less of you or stay away from you. i want to stop obsessing on why he’s not texting me and literally bullying myself in my head 24/7. i want to crawl out of my skin and just be normal for once. i just want someone to stay and i want to feel safe with someone. writing this is making me cry, something i haven’t been able to do but i wanted to to get it out. i hate myself so much and i always think of how stupid i am to think that someone else could like me. i just want to sleep the day away and not have to be stuck with these thoughts.

16 people are talking about this
Community Voices

the guy that i’m talking to of course slowly stopped talking to me. i couldn’t stand it anymore and was making myself so crazy that i told him i have bpd and it helps if he explicitly says how he feels to me so i don’t misread it and freak out. well… that didn’t go well which i should have known, seems like everyone runs once they hear the word borderline. i didn’t even like him in the first place but now it’s on my mind 24/7. asking myself how i manage to ruin everything, why no one likes me, what do i do wrong to make them go away, why do i deserve this treatment, and it goes on and on. it’s mental torture, i don’t think i am exaggerating. i tear myself apart and think of every negative thing i could have done and then i get embarrassed for myself and wish i could take it all back. it was stupid of me to get involved with him, he is 32 with a baby and i’m 23… and he is still playing games. grow up at least. i want to text him and completely shit on him, but i can’t do that because i know it’s wrong and i’m getting better. it seems like i continue to get the same types of guys just all in different bodies. they treat me like i’m disposable and like i don’t matter. when i bring up my concerns, i’m never consoled; only treated as if i am crazy. i am trying to break the thought process that they’re all the same, but everyday it gets harder and harder. knowing me, if he texts me later i will completely switch my mindset and go back to liking him, which probably won’t happen because now i am labeled in his mind and borderline is so stigmatized that it is almost impossible to tell someone and not have them think less of you or stay away from you. i want to stop obsessing on why he’s not texting me and literally bullying myself in my head 24/7. i want to crawl out of my skin and just be normal for once. i just want someone to stay and i want to feel safe with someone. writing this is making me cry, something i haven’t been able to do but i wanted to to get it out. i hate myself so much and i always think of how stupid i am to think that someone else could like me. i just want to sleep the day away and not have to be stuck with these thoughts.

16 people are talking about this
Community Voices

the guy that i’m talking to of course slowly stopped talking to me. i couldn’t stand it anymore and was making myself so crazy that i told him i have bpd and it helps if he explicitly says how he feels to me so i don’t misread it and freak out. well… that didn’t go well which i should have known, seems like everyone runs once they hear the word borderline. i didn’t even like him in the first place but now it’s on my mind 24/7. asking myself how i manage to ruin everything, why no one likes me, what do i do wrong to make them go away, why do i deserve this treatment, and it goes on and on. it’s mental torture, i don’t think i am exaggerating. i tear myself apart and think of every negative thing i could have done and then i get embarrassed for myself and wish i could take it all back. it was stupid of me to get involved with him, he is 32 with a baby and i’m 23… and he is still playing games. grow up at least. i want to text him and completely shit on him, but i can’t do that because i know it’s wrong and i’m getting better. it seems like i continue to get the same types of guys just all in different bodies. they treat me like i’m disposable and like i don’t matter. when i bring up my concerns, i’m never consoled; only treated as if i am crazy. i am trying to break the thought process that they’re all the same, but everyday it gets harder and harder. knowing me, if he texts me later i will completely switch my mindset and go back to liking him, which probably won’t happen because now i am labeled in his mind and borderline is so stigmatized that it is almost impossible to tell someone and not have them think less of you or stay away from you. i want to stop obsessing on why he’s not texting me and literally bullying myself in my head 24/7. i want to crawl out of my skin and just be normal for once. i just want someone to stay and i want to feel safe with someone. writing this is making me cry, something i haven’t been able to do but i wanted to to get it out. i hate myself so much and i always think of how stupid i am to think that someone else could like me. i just want to sleep the day away and not have to be stuck with these thoughts.

16 people are talking about this
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i wrote a post on how i got fired from my job that i used to be a patient at twice, 4 years ago. i thought they were great but they aren’t, come to find out they talk badly about all patients and laugh at them, even go so far as to say they are lying about their symptoms. i would say the name of the hospital because they are a disgrace, but when i got fired i called a lawyer and the first one that i called took my case on contingency. i was mistreated, taken advantage of, treated differently than my coworkers, and retaliated against. i got an email from my lawyer today saying that they are finishing up my claims against the company and the liable managers. i didn’t even do this for the money, i did it because the whole situation was messed up. i was able to get unemployment bc the state of ohio rules that i was fired without just cause. i want them to get the repercussions of their blatant discrimination bc of my mental illness and more specifically my managers retaliation towards me. i wonder if the only reason i am suing them is because i am borderline and have narcissistic qualities. i have watched so many videos saying narcissists love litigation, but this is my first lawsuit and i have a strong case; i don’t think i’m being narcissistic. i always think i am being narcissistic when i stand up for myself, i am scared of being one bc. was terrorized by one for so long. i wonder if this situation is brought on by narcissism that i am not self aware of or bc i am right. it’s hard. i feel empowered and like i am doing a good thing, especially because other employees too have been cruelly treated and they don’t stand up to it. i have always had a bold personality and i have never ever been afraid to stand up for myself, no matter who it is. clearly, since i am suing a whole entire company and my managers haha. i think that i am getting justice for myself and others and i don’t think there is a better feeling. 😊

10 people are talking about this
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garbage #PTSD #Suicide

i got fired from my job. i graduated with my degree in psychology from the ohio state university. i was so proud of that but it feels worthless. i studied psychology and i got a job at the psychiatric hospital that i was a patient in a couple of years ago. i wanted to work there bc of how much they helped. being an employee there and getting tossed to the side like i never mattered is what hurts most. a lot of the people there knew i was hospitalized there too. i wonder often if that’s why i got fired. working there has also opened my eyes as to how the healthcare system works. there are good people in the industry but there is a surprising amount of mental health “professionals” who talk so poorly and even laugh at patients in the back room. many of the nurses comment on borderline personality disorder and talk about how they are a nightmare; i have BPD but no one knows that. i have never told anyone that isn’t super close to me that i have it because of the strong stigma attached to it that we are too sick to save. such a let down and upsetting to see the way people who are supposed to help actually don’t care, they’re just there for a paycheck. i wish i never worked there and i wish i could recover from losing my job, but i feel like a stupid worthless person who can’t ever hold down a job because of my erratic behavior and inability to be reliable 100% of the time.

4 people are talking about this
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i always questioned if my diagnosis of bpd was accurate. i always thought that maybe i was exaggerating in that moment to make the doctors think that. i realize that that’s not the case at all, i am in fact, very sick. i do fine on my own, i can deal with the loneliness but when i have start talking to a guy, i become a mess. i become irrational, obsessed, splitting; texting him that i know he doesn’t like me and that i’ll do him a favor and cut to the chase and leave him alone. he said that wasn’t the case at all, and it turns out i over reacted all because he left me on read, while he was at work. in the moment of feeling these irrational fears of annoying someone or that they are losing interest in me, my body goes into overdrive and it’s almost as if something comes over me. i try and resist the urge to act out and be mean spirited but my gut tells me it’s the right thing to do, but from what i have learned… the last thing i should do is trust my gut since my viewpoints are so skewed and unhealthy. i suffered emotional abuse from a narcissist for 3 years and he messed me up, i truly believe he is the root issue of my personality disorder. it is exhausting and heart breaking to literally watch myself push someone away because i feel like i don’t deserve love and am not worthy. i lay in bed crying so hard hugging myself wishing that the guy i am talking to would hug me, i’m sure he would if i invited him over but deep down inside i have the nagging feeling that he’d rather do anything but that. i can’t stand this. i want to be with someone but it’s like my brain will do anything to prevent me from being able to be in a healthy living relationship. i am tired of this life and this disorder. #CheckInWithMe #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDepression

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