Sick of this shit (warning: nothing uplifting here)
Just when I thought I was doing better, that I finally had a chance at some sense of normalcy, that I was going to turn out okay.. it struck.
I always knew that the nature of bipolar meant that it was probably something I'll have to cope with for the rest of my life. But for a moment there, for a few good months, I forgot what it was like to have my life completely ruled by this illness. That hey, maybe I'm an outlier that managed to beat it.
But no such luck. Without warning, the depression hit and completely blindsided me. There wasn't a trigger event or added stress. Everything in my life has been pretty smooth sailing - stable job, faith life, family life, friendships. What more could I have asked for? There really wasn't anything I could have complained about. For once in a really long while, I had found a steady rhythm, sort of an equilibrium if you will. I almost believed this normalcy was going to be a permanent state, almost forgot that I was living with an illness, whose symptoms just weren't being manifested at that time. But alas, forgetting about my diagnosis was never really on the cards for me, was it?
Now, I'm back to this feeling of emptiness, like my life is just one gigantic void. Complete lack of interest, lack of joy, lack of motivation, lack of energy. And I'm sick of this shit. It's demoralising and discouraging, and I can't help but feel like this discounts all the work I've put into getting better, all the progress I've made. Back to feeling like death, like my existence on this earth just doesn't matter, and I really don't care if I just gave it all up completely. Day to day living is so damn exhausting and I'm not okay. I can't muster enough strength to pretend that I'm fine, or that it's okay to not be okay. Because it just doesn't feel okay. It's not.
It's not okay that I'm not okay.