Nicolette Yeo

@nicolettejenine
Community Voices

Sick of this shit (warning: nothing uplifting here)

Just when I thought I was doing better, that I finally had a chance at some sense of normalcy, that I was going to turn out okay.. it struck.

I always knew that the nature of bipolar meant that it was probably something I'll have to cope with for the rest of my life. But for a moment there, for a few good months, I forgot what it was like to have my life completely ruled by this illness. That hey, maybe I'm an outlier that managed to beat it.

But no such luck. Without warning, the depression hit and completely blindsided me. There wasn't a trigger event or added stress. Everything in my life has been pretty smooth sailing - stable job, faith life, family life, friendships. What more could I have asked for? There really wasn't anything I could have complained about. For once in a really long while, I had found a steady rhythm, sort of an equilibrium if you will. I almost believed this normalcy was going to be a permanent state, almost forgot that I was living with an illness, whose symptoms just weren't being manifested at that time. But alas, forgetting about my diagnosis was never really on the cards for me, was it?

Now, I'm back to this feeling of emptiness, like my life is just one gigantic void. Complete lack of interest, lack of joy, lack of motivation, lack of energy. And I'm sick of this shit. It's demoralising and discouraging, and I can't help but feel like this discounts all the work I've put into getting better, all the progress I've made. Back to feeling like death, like my existence on this earth just doesn't matter, and I really don't care if I just gave it all up completely. Day to day living is so damn exhausting and I'm not okay. I can't muster enough strength to pretend that I'm fine, or that it's okay to not be okay. Because it just doesn't feel okay. It's not.

It's not okay that I'm not okay.

#bipolar #depression

11 people are talking about this
Community Voices

Being human again #Depression

I think I finally got my humanity back.

During the peak of my depression, I was a zombie. I forgot how it felt like to be human, to care about anything or anyone. I was in my hole, and I wasn't planning on getting out of it. I couldn't imagine a life beyond the dark cloud of depression. I couldn't imagine a future where I was alright. Even if I felt happy, I was convinced that it was only fleeting, that like a bubble blown from a child's toy gun, it'd burst after I had just a little moment to enjoy it. So why care?

I wish I could go back in time and tell my one year younger self that it gets better. That if I could just hang in there a little bit longer, I'd get good at being happy again - not the fake, fleeting happy, but the real, lasting kind.

And thank God. I'm now cautiously optimistic about my mental health. I care about myself. I care about getting better. I am vigilant about the warning signs. I put in the work - I take my meds daily, I go for my therapy, I exercise.

Not only do I care about myself (which was really the biggest hurdle) - I care about my loved ones. I bother enough to give a shit about things. I'm passionate about my work. I'm passionate about my life, my family, my friends.

I'm human again.

2 people are talking about this
Community Voices

Does it get easier living with #BipolarDisorder ?

I'm newly diagnosed as BipolarII - went through a long phase of depression + psychosis and was on aggressive depression treatment so when I started recovering, everyone missed it.

When I look back at what I did during my hypomanic states - I realise I was going about my days in a trance, and I'm very shocked at the audacity I had to do certain things. My meds have been switched to mood stabilisers, so my mood is generally more mellow and I have more time and clarity to process these events properly and it's upsetting to recall + worrying to think about what lies ahead. Does life get easier?

2 people are talking about this
Community Voices

Seems like everyone's excited about the new year #Depression #Anxiety #PTSD

Looking through social media today of all days was probably not my smartest decision. Everyone's posting cute photos of themselves with captions like "excited for the new year", "great things are gonna happen in 2019, I can feel it in my bones"

Okay, but what about the rest of us realists? Or those of us who got broken earlier than the others, who got the hope sucked out from the very depths of our souls and who just know how life works - only one way, it gets you down. The ones who know new year resolutions rarely / never work out - you end up going to the gym for a month although you paid for a year's membership, or you barely get through the first 10 pages of the new book you just bought cos you've resolved to be more of a reader in the new year.

I'm not sure if people are living in ignorant bliss (and if I should be jealous of that) or everyone is just putting on a front. Stepping into the new year, I feel exactly the same - I have my low points where I feel like crying for no good reason, I get extra irritated and annoyed at the littlest of things, and I still get very extreme anxiety when walking through shopping malls especially during this holiday season when everywhere is extra crowded (overpopulation is a serious problem - it's leading to mental health issues you guys).

While not overly optimistic or hopeful about the "incredible opportunities" that lie ahead (some the world is your oyster / new beginnings bullshit), I do generally believe that 2018 was my absolute rock bottom, so by pure logic, things can really only go up from here, and I shall cling on tightly to whatever this feeling is (not so much hope, but more a strange mix of acceptance and desperation).

Regardless, I do really pray and wish that 2019 will be much calmer, gentler and more peaceful. That my emotions can finally wake the fuck up and get their shit together, instead of being all over the place and killing me slowly. That the people around me start being a bit more understanding towards my condition, rather than just saying insensitive shit like "our friendship is very exhausting - I need a break from you", or "I feel like I need to mourn the loss of the old you, and get used to whatever new version of you this is, and I need some time" (oh YOU need time huh, lol way to go making my mental illness all about you) Disclaimer: these are completely natural reactions from loved ones grappling with a new diagnosis, partly driven by the hurt and helpless they feel seeing the individual suffer -- I know this, but yknow, it's hard being the bigger person literally all the time, on top of all these other demons I'm fighting.

And of course, to the mighty community - thank you for all the love and support; this community has truly shown me the beauty, kindness and strength of the human race, when I was starting to give up on humanity lol. LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH 💖 If anyone deserves a break in 2019, it's every single one of you - may life be kind to us this year! :')

5 people are talking about this
Community Voices

Does anyone else struggle with overcompensation? #Depression

After a 4 month long depressive breakdown, I find myself overcompensating for all that lost time. I think subconsciously I'm trying to assuage my loved ones' fears and prove that I'm okay, by becoming overtly expressive / "happy" and doing many many things at once. Since August, I've published a book, planned a friend's proposal, released a bunch of acoustic covers online, and am now gearing up to write and direct a musical next year, all while working a part-time job at my friend's startup. I feel drained, and there's so much dissonance within as I'm usually never as happy as I pretend to be.

8 people are talking about this
Community Voices

Does anyone else struggle with overcompensation? #Depression

After a 4 month long depressive breakdown, I find myself overcompensating for all that lost time. I think subconsciously I'm trying to assuage my loved ones' fears and prove that I'm okay, by becoming overtly expressive / "happy" and doing many many things at once. Since August, I've published a book, planned a friend's proposal, released a bunch of acoustic covers online, and am now gearing up to write and direct a musical next year, all while working a part-time job at my friend's startup. I feel drained, and there's so much dissonance within as I'm usually never as happy as I pretend to be.

8 people are talking about this
Community Voices

Lost but at home. #Anxiety #Depression

Hello, my name is Rebekah and I’m 17. I have Major Depression, Generalized Anxiety, and some Phobias. I’ve been on meds and been seeing people about my mental state for about a year and I still struggle with my depression and anxiety. But I want to share some things I’ve encountered the past year.

I’m very open about my mental health. I’ve always thought of it as an important part of who I am. Despite having so many negative thoughts and feelings all my life my personality is very light and bubbly. With all of these factors even my family has trouble understanding what I struggle with.

After being bullied for a considerable amount of time I’ve been finding to difficult to adjust to the way a person should be treated. I was bullied not physically or even in a noticeable way but in a very minor mental way that was administrated to be not just by my classmates but by my teachers. And when telling someone would be told “you’re thinking to much into it” and “you’re just making this up.” After a few incidents I was finally taken out of this environment and have seen a huge improvement in my mental state and social life.

And though I’m glad to leave this past behind me it hurts when I tell my new friends that I have made about my depression and anxiety they say I’m too happy and talkative to have . However I’m only this way because I have to somewhat under control. I’m only this way because I don’t want my mental illnesses to stop me. But does that mean that it’s gone? Does that mean that it won’t come back? No. No, it doesn’t. My illness will always be apart of me. And I’m ok with that. My brain sucks. It always has. And some people just won’t believe it or see it. But it’s there. They affect me every day of my life but I choose to move and not let them stop me. The medicine does a lot. It does. It’s probably a lot of the reason why I can write this and feel confident. But even with the high dose and all the support I have my days. As do we all. Where all I can do is lay in bed and sleep. But I fill my life with school and work and activities to keep me from slowing down too much. To keep me on my feet and positive.

This Christmas break has been different than the past Christmas breaks I’ve had. This Christmas break I’m not dreading the upcoming semester or parties I should go to. I want to go to work and I want to new semester to start and I can’t wait for the parties. But the thoughts are there still. They lurk in the back of my mind waiting to pounce waiting to drag me down into a pit of despair.

So can you see? Can you see how I am home but lost? I’m here with people who understand and know how overwhelming the negative thoughts and feelings are but I’m lost because my illness no longer affects me physically but it still affects me mentally. How I can live my life and like what I do but battle the thoughts everyday of my life.

4 people are talking about this
Community Voices

Anxiety Attacks

Too numerous to count lately. It actually feels like my heart is stopping. I can’t catch my breath. I can’t stop the Earth from revolving. I’m petrified. #Goingtopassout #AnxietyAttack #CheckInWithMe

1 person is talking about this
Community Voices

Hey if everyone could drop how they practice self care I would be so grateful. I think practicing self care every day will greatly help me and my anxiety. Right now I try and read these three books (The princess saves herself in this one, milk and honey, and the gifts of imperfection) and sipping on some got chocolate (or wine honestly 😌) and they seem to help a lot , but I am always down to hear more ideas ♥️🤘🏾♥️🤘🏾

6 people are talking about this