nyxmare

@nyxmare
just trying to make it
Matthew Weatherford

What I Learned to Do to Control My 'Bipolar Rage'

I used to have terrible anger and fits of rage. I just got so mad so easily. I would break down and start cussing, screaming and stomping. I was losing jobs and friends; making my family hate me. Finally, one day, I decided I wanted to fix this. This is about anger management, fits of rage and emotional meltdowns. This does not include sensory meltdowns. If I feel it coming, I step away. If I already said something, I stop right when I realize it. You will get better at it every time you do it. No pressure. Just try it once. Relaxation Techniques Find some techniques off the internet. Try a few. Once you find one you like, do it at least a few times a week. It’s most effective if you do it once daily. I did it when I came home from work before I settled in for the evening. Before bed is also a good choice. My favorite is to start with my head and neck, and work my way down. Some people like to start with their hands. While I am doing it, I say the word “relax,” slowly over and over. I have trained my body. When I think or say “relax,” my body starts the technique automatically. Then, when I have a fit of rage, all I have to do is think, “relax,” and I just start doing the technique. In time, it becomes more powerful than the anger, frustration or stress. A meditation I use is trying to feel the anger in my body and work it out of me. For me, anger is in my shoulders and wrists. I wiggle the spots I feel the anger. Besides doing the meditation just after I experienced a fit of rage, I like to do this in the late evening to work out other emotions and feelings I had that day. Attitude It took two years for this to soak into my brain: it’s not worth it. It’s not worth the stress. It’s not worth the possible consequences of it. Why worry about asisine people, mouthy crap or petty problems? People often say, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” Nobody tells you how to do it. A 12-step program taught me this saying: “Settle for disorder in lesser things for the sake of order in greater things; therefore be content to be discontent in many things.” You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to let one small problem be as it is, one time. Then, work from there. Just accept that one little problem is going to happen. Then, after that, you can accept another little problem. The more you do, the easier it gets. I’m not going to experience a fit of rage because nobody did their dishes. I’m not going to argue and get in a fight with everybody over it because it just causes drama and it still won’t get done. I’m not going to be stressed out all day because my co-worker said something bad about me. I’m not going to get mad because the paperboy didn’t toss the paper on the porch. I’m not going to get mad because the dog took a crap in the living room. Every time you let a problem be, there is less stress in your life. Right then. Not next week or sometime in the future. Right then. Eventually, you can do it without practice. It becomes habit. It took me two years. I still get mad all the time, I just don’t waste my time on it. I feel sorry for people instead of being mad at them. A 12-step program held my hand. You can also have a counselor or therapist hold your hand. It’s a lot easier than going it all on your own. Good luck and I wish you the best in handling fits of rage and meltdowns.

Heidi Fischer

Clumsiness and Trauma: 5 Tips to Falling Less

I am a champion face-planter. I am also highly skilled at tripping over nothing, walking into door frames, and tipping things over. This illustrious title hasn’t won me any medals, rather the prizes I get, tend to be bruises, sprains, scrapes, and a bit of embarrassment. Lately, over a short time period, I fell three times, and when I brought it up with my therapist she asked me a surprising question: “Do you find that you are especially clumsy when you are in a triggered or dissociated state?” Yes, indeed I am! As a person with complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) I have a long list of symptoms. So this wasn’t a connection I had put together, but once she said it, this made a lot of sense to me. It’s also been helpful because it’s removed some of the shame I have around this, and instead I now focus on finding ways to gently curb my clumsiness. I’d like to share these five tips with you. 1. Wear good winter boots (or footwear) to avoid falls. In Canada, we have an investigative TV show called “CBC Marketplace.” Right around when I was having this realization about my clumsiness, they did a show on how often folks fall on ice, and how a lot of winter boots are not actually safe. They also shared what some of the safer options are. I’ve had lots of winter slips, so I decided to invest in a pair of ice-friendly boots. They were expensive, but I think it was worth it as I haven’t had any winter falls this season. Even if you don’t live somewhere icy, it is probably a good idea to pay attention to your footwear and whether or not it may be contributing to any clumsiness. 2. Use stair handrails. I’m very gifted at falling on stairs. Now, I try to hold onto handrails when they are available and I also remind myself not to rush. I’ve also implemented a rule that I don’t mix stairs and scroll on my phone, so I can pay attention to where I’m putting my feet. I don’t always remember, and I still have some little tumbles, but I’m doing much better. 3. Try some strength training exercises. Fitness spaces aren’t exactly my favorite thing and I’ve had some bad experiences with medical folks recommending exercise in dismissive and inappropriate ways. I do have a pretty rad chiropractor though, who is sure to go about things at a pace that I find safe and respectful. I finally agreed he could start teaching me some strengthening exercises with the goal of building up my muscles so I fall less. I like that this is a goal I can both understand and agree with; and so far, I’m doing well at keeping up with it all. I’ve also started back up with doing yoga, with similar goals. I’m only in the beginning stages of this training, but I do think it will be helpful in the long run! 4. Stop to breathe. In order to keep my nervous system happy, there are a variety of things I’ve been learning to do that promote calm within me. As my therapist pointed out, I tend to be more clumsy if I’m in a more activated state. So by taking the time to take a breath, or to ground myself, I can pay better attention to what I’m doing. I’ve found this to be especially helpful when I’m rushing to get errands done, I know I’ve had less missteps because of it. 5. Clear clutter and stay organized. OK, so this one is more so wishful thinking. I know it could help… but tidiness is not one of my strong suits. I try to follow some organizational rules. For example, my car keys are only allowed to be left in one of two places. I’m exploring getting some tracking devices for other items that mysteriously grow legs, like the TV remote. I’ve found when I have this type of frustration, I can indeed start tripping over stuff, so I think being proactive about it is useful. For anyone out there who experiences being clumsy in the same way, I hope this list has been helpful or that it can encourage you to figure out what works for you! Is this type of clumsiness something that you experience? Had you ever considered that it may be a symptom of trauma ? What are some of the ways you’ve had success with managing it, or what would you like to try? Share your thoughts in the comments below! If you enjoyed this article, please take a moment to check out some of my other articles here on The Mighty. If you’d like to follow along with my journey, you can find me on Instagram as @mentalhealthyxe.

Community Voices

Paranoid and very annoyed

My trauma is all consuming and confusing I can’t think without overdoing and analyzing every word till Im losing the point of the root of the message and I forget the next steps in the routine trip on my feet stumble stutter and hope you don’t interrupt while I think
Im not done yet I’m not done yet
My point is that
I still haven’t made my point
I can’t think with all the static in my ears
And all the stuff in the viewfinder cant fucking focus or zoom in stuck on automatic with no swing in my step or skip in my spring
Bouncing bouncing
What do I even hold to be true to me?
I still haven’t made a point
Pointless, all of it,
So it would seem
Intelligent but still not like it seems
Intel
Intel
Intell me I’m in hell and it feels like you can tell and see
The sweat forming bead dripping down on my brow
All these thoughts just shot the fuck out
12 gauge, buckshot
Calibre to kill some time
Just don’t
Interrupt me
When I’m
Fucking
Looking
For the point
Looking for the point
Sputtering
Stuttering
Mostly mostly
Suffering
Fucking
Looking
For the point
I’m still talking
Traffics really unpredictable
I still haven’t found out if I consider it all livable
#BipolarDisorder #Mania #Ramble #MightyPoets #BipolarStigma #FlightOfIdeas

2 people are talking about this

Schizophrenia Symptoms Nobody Talks About

Schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder (a disorder characterized by symptoms of schizophrenia and either bipolar disorder or depression ) are complex disorders that have often been popularized in the media. Schizophrenia is frequently stereotyped as experiencing hallucinations and/or delusions, and other symptoms of the disorder are rarely touched upon. To be diagnosed with schizophrenia , one must exhibit two of the main core symptoms, but one of the symptoms must be hallucinating, experiencing delusions or disorganized speech. The second symptom must also be gross disorganization or diminished emotional expression. While these are the hallmark symptoms of schizophrenia , and they are used during the diagnosis period, there are various other symptoms that aren’t regularly discussed. The following are symptoms that I have experienced as someone with schizoaffective disorder (depressive type), and they are common symptoms of both schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder . 1. Social isolation. Social isolation occurs when an individual has very few or no social connections. Being unable to reach out for help from others or maintain relationships are hallmarks of social isolation, as is an inability to be amongst others while in public. In my experience, I find that when I am struggling, I am unable to reach out to others in my life when I need help, and I am unable to maintain relationships . I also tend to have an inability to leave my house, as my social anxiety becomes higher during certain periods. 2. Belief that an ordinary event has special and personal meaning. This symptom is one that varies greatly from person to person. For example, an individual presenting with this symptom might believe that they are receiving messages through the television or radio. In my experience, I have bouts where I see numbers repeating and believe that when I see certain numbers, something bad is going to happen to me. I often believe that numbers hold special meanings and when they show up in my life, they are telling me something. This becomes extremely stressful, and I frequently struggle with paranoia. 3. Feeling detached from self. This is another symptom that is difficult to deal with and is often invisible. Depersonalization occurs when someone doesn’t feel connected to their body or their thoughts, and they feel as though they don’t have control over them. In my experience, I often feel as though I am not in my body and I struggle with feeling connected to myself, especially when I see reflections or pictures of myself. This symptom causes me to struggle with understanding my identity as well. 4. Fatigue. Fatigue is a hallmark of many disorders, and it refers to experiencing exhaustion or weariness. In my experience, I havefound that I need more rest than most people due to my fatigue, and needing extra sleep has been a demanding thing for me to accept. In fact, I am still accepting it. In our world, needing more rest is often seen as laziness, but it is important to understand that needing more rest is not wrong. We all differ in how much rest and sleep we require, and if you or a loved one experience fatigue, the best thing you can do is try to be understanding and kind. 5. Memory loss. Memory loss is probably one of the scarier symptoms that I experience with schizoaffective disorder, and it is a common symptom of schizophrenia . Memory loss can be long-term and/or short-term. I have found that medication and therapy have helped me with my memory loss, but it is an ongoing process. Schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder , although rare, are serious mental illnesses that present with a myriad of symptoms. The symptoms I have discussed in this article are some of the symptoms that I experience the most with my diagnosis, but there are many more, which makes each person’s experience one of a kind. My hope is that by discussing the various symptoms of these illnesses we can debunk the stereotypes that are present in our society. Listen to someone’s story first before you assume. This is an incredibly important practice.

What It's Like to Experience Mixed Episodes With Bipolar Disorder

I have bipolar I disorder with mixed episodes. This means I can have periods of time where I experience many of the “classic” signs of mania: The frenetic physical energy, the restlessness, the compulsive need to give voice to the torrent of thoughts flying through my head, resulting in pressured and sometimes near unintelligible rapid-speech, the reckless impulsivity in pleasurable activities, feeling grandiose like I have some kind of skills or powers that are greater than other people, etc. With mixed episodes (also known as dysphoric mania), I also get many of the symptoms of depression like dark feelings of hopelessness, a certain feeling of futility in fighting my illness, unrelenting irrational fears about my future and how living with bipolar disorder will affect that, thoughts of suicide, etc. The part where it gets terrifying is that, while my thoughts are bleak and black, they are also swirling with all the intensity of an F5 tornado. There is nowhere to hide. They blow the house down and shred every protective barrier I have in place away, leaving me completely vulnerable to the relentless onslaught of the flurry of racing thoughts and ideas. Psychosis is occasionally a player as well, and so paranoia can become an issue for me too. They are terrifying. It’s like a fire hose of thoughts is pointed at me and I cannot move or shut it off. The thoughts are “loud” in a non-audible way, but in a way that is impossible to ignore. Sometimes I can’t focus on anything because so many things are running through my head at once. I am scared and I become terrified it won’t stop, or I won’t be able to endure it. I worry I am actually losing my mind. I blast music in my car, in my ears, in my room, just to try to drown out half of the thoughts and slow down the stream. It helps sometimes. I don’t sleep much because the mania part doesn’t let me and because the thoughts keep me up late. I dream more during this period than at any other time because my brain won’t rest, even if I am sleeping. I can start a sentence off crying and be laughing by the end, the early tears still streaming down my cheeks. I am acutely aware of what I look like to people. These are the episodes that can land me in the hospital. They are notoriously considered the most unsafe type of episodes for people with bipolar disorder because people have all of the warped depressive episode thinking, combined with the energy to follow through with the ideas. The increased impulsivity I experience in concert with the above is deeply problematic for me, so I will seek an admission if I see those things becoming a serious issue. I want people to know what these feel like. Over the years, I have found myself frantically searching the web for others’ descriptions of their mixed episodes, and found material sadly lacking. There are clinical descriptions written by people who have clearly never experienced a mixed episode, but precious little written by anyone who has been through one. You aren’t alone. We are all out here. My favorite quote is from Carrie Fisher’s book and film “Postcards from the Edge,” when she is describing her semi-autobiographical character, Suzanne. It hit home for me and I relate to it so very much: “She wanted to be tranquil, to be someone who took walks in the late-afternoon sun, listening to the birds and crickets and feeling the whole world breathe. Instead, she lived in her head like a madwoman locked in a tower, hearing the wind howling through her hair and waiting for someone to come and rescue her from feeling things so deeply that her bones burned. She had plenty of evidence that she had a good life. She just couldn’t feel the life she saw she had. It was though she had cancer of the perspective.” — Carrie Fisher If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page. If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 o r text “HOME” to 741-741 . Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here . Thinkstock photo via misuma

Community Voices

Teacher's get PTSD

#PTSD Getting PTSD was something I never expected to experience

2 people are talking about this
Liz Del Tufo

'Gross' Symptoms of Depression That We Don't Talk About

Depression isn’t just being sad. It is much more complex and debilitating. There are many common symptoms of depression that do get talked about, like sadness, feeling numb and hopelessness, but there are other symptoms just as common that we talk rarely about, like lack of hygiene, not taking care of ourselves and not taking care of the things around us. We stop taking care of ourselves. We overeat or undereat and our bodies change. We eat unhealthily and whenever we want. We stop dressing up or doing our makeup. We stop doing our skincare routine. Our appearance significantly changes for the worse but we don’t talk about it. We don’t talk about how it causes low self-esteem, body dysmorphia , and even self-harm or suicide. We don’t take care of our environment. We stop making the bed, stop changing the sheets. We don’t get any sunlight. We live in a mess or in filth, which causes our brains to feel the same way. Depression is “gross” and we don’t talk about it. The hardest part about depression is when we physically can no longer take care of ourselves and our basic needs. An extremely common symptom of depression is lack of hygiene. We go days, even weeks without showering or even changing our clothes. We go days, weeks, or even months without brushing our hair or teeth. You may not think twice about clipping your nails or washing your face, but to a person who is depressed, it feels like a nightmare not worth even trying. These issues can lead to serious health concerns, and yet we still can’t bring ourselves to do them because we are depressed. Depression manifests physically and long-term in so many different ways, but we don’t talk about it. This is depression . It can be gross. It can be unbearable. It can be all of these things and more. We need to start talking about it and stop shaming people into silence.

Liz Del Tufo

'Gross' Symptoms of Depression That We Don't Talk About

Depression isn’t just being sad. It is much more complex and debilitating. There are many common symptoms of depression that do get talked about, like sadness, feeling numb and hopelessness, but there are other symptoms just as common that we talk rarely about, like lack of hygiene, not taking care of ourselves and not taking care of the things around us. We stop taking care of ourselves. We overeat or undereat and our bodies change. We eat unhealthily and whenever we want. We stop dressing up or doing our makeup. We stop doing our skincare routine. Our appearance significantly changes for the worse but we don’t talk about it. We don’t talk about how it causes low self-esteem, body dysmorphia , and even self-harm or suicide. We don’t take care of our environment. We stop making the bed, stop changing the sheets. We don’t get any sunlight. We live in a mess or in filth, which causes our brains to feel the same way. Depression is “gross” and we don’t talk about it. The hardest part about depression is when we physically can no longer take care of ourselves and our basic needs. An extremely common symptom of depression is lack of hygiene. We go days, even weeks without showering or even changing our clothes. We go days, weeks, or even months without brushing our hair or teeth. You may not think twice about clipping your nails or washing your face, but to a person who is depressed, it feels like a nightmare not worth even trying. These issues can lead to serious health concerns, and yet we still can’t bring ourselves to do them because we are depressed. Depression manifests physically and long-term in so many different ways, but we don’t talk about it. This is depression . It can be gross. It can be unbearable. It can be all of these things and more. We need to start talking about it and stop shaming people into silence.

Liz Del Tufo

'Gross' Symptoms of Depression That We Don't Talk About

Depression isn’t just being sad. It is much more complex and debilitating. There are many common symptoms of depression that do get talked about, like sadness, feeling numb and hopelessness, but there are other symptoms just as common that we talk rarely about, like lack of hygiene, not taking care of ourselves and not taking care of the things around us. We stop taking care of ourselves. We overeat or undereat and our bodies change. We eat unhealthily and whenever we want. We stop dressing up or doing our makeup. We stop doing our skincare routine. Our appearance significantly changes for the worse but we don’t talk about it. We don’t talk about how it causes low self-esteem, body dysmorphia , and even self-harm or suicide. We don’t take care of our environment. We stop making the bed, stop changing the sheets. We don’t get any sunlight. We live in a mess or in filth, which causes our brains to feel the same way. Depression is “gross” and we don’t talk about it. The hardest part about depression is when we physically can no longer take care of ourselves and our basic needs. An extremely common symptom of depression is lack of hygiene. We go days, even weeks without showering or even changing our clothes. We go days, weeks, or even months without brushing our hair or teeth. You may not think twice about clipping your nails or washing your face, but to a person who is depressed, it feels like a nightmare not worth even trying. These issues can lead to serious health concerns, and yet we still can’t bring ourselves to do them because we are depressed. Depression manifests physically and long-term in so many different ways, but we don’t talk about it. This is depression . It can be gross. It can be unbearable. It can be all of these things and more. We need to start talking about it and stop shaming people into silence.

Liz Del Tufo

'Gross' Symptoms of Depression That We Don't Talk About

Depression isn’t just being sad. It is much more complex and debilitating. There are many common symptoms of depression that do get talked about, like sadness, feeling numb and hopelessness, but there are other symptoms just as common that we talk rarely about, like lack of hygiene, not taking care of ourselves and not taking care of the things around us. We stop taking care of ourselves. We overeat or undereat and our bodies change. We eat unhealthily and whenever we want. We stop dressing up or doing our makeup. We stop doing our skincare routine. Our appearance significantly changes for the worse but we don’t talk about it. We don’t talk about how it causes low self-esteem, body dysmorphia , and even self-harm or suicide. We don’t take care of our environment. We stop making the bed, stop changing the sheets. We don’t get any sunlight. We live in a mess or in filth, which causes our brains to feel the same way. Depression is “gross” and we don’t talk about it. The hardest part about depression is when we physically can no longer take care of ourselves and our basic needs. An extremely common symptom of depression is lack of hygiene. We go days, even weeks without showering or even changing our clothes. We go days, weeks, or even months without brushing our hair or teeth. You may not think twice about clipping your nails or washing your face, but to a person who is depressed, it feels like a nightmare not worth even trying. These issues can lead to serious health concerns, and yet we still can’t bring ourselves to do them because we are depressed. Depression manifests physically and long-term in so many different ways, but we don’t talk about it. This is depression . It can be gross. It can be unbearable. It can be all of these things and more. We need to start talking about it and stop shaming people into silence.