Quinny

In a short few weeks I turn 50 years old. I'm not sure when I became a grown up, I still feel like I don't have all the answers and my ducks are certainly not in a row or even in the same pond for that matter. To celebrate my family and I will spend a week at a beach house for vacation. I have planned the menu, I have bought every imaginable useful item I could think of. My first aid kit, is pretty impressive. I still have not bought a bathing suit or clothes for the trip. I have looked on line, but after 50 years, I still hate my body. I literally hide from the camera. The pictures I do have taken of me I critique so hard, that I end up begging the person to just please erase it. I wanted to buy a sundress to wear the day of my birthday, I promised myself that I would be at x weight by 50, I would have x amount of dollars, and I would have my proverbial sh$t together. Well none of that has happened. So today, avoiding work as much as possible, I found the sundress, it had beautiful Aztec embroidery on it. I had a sun hat and sandals already that matched. I put it in my online shopping cart, but I couldn't do it. What if people think I'm too big to wear a dress, what if they think I'm not pretty enough to be concerned about my clothes, much less my appearance. I am no where I thought I would be at 50, do I really deserve this vacation? Do I deserve to ask my adult daughters to take time away from work and come to a beach house to celebrate a milestone i have literally ran from? Do I even deserve a pretty dress, I mean I haven't worn a dress in years and when I did I certainly didn't feel pretty, I felt like a farce. My insecurities started young in life as my father values women on their looks. At age 12, I sat in the Dentist chair as the Dentist and my Dad discussed the expense of braces and why they were cosmetically unnecessary for me. You see these 2 grown men, sat and discussed how I would never be a model or an actress and therefore would never need straight teeth, being the plain jane I was. Yes they discussed this right over top of me as if I wasn't there or didn't understand what they were saying. Fast forward to my adulthood, I can't even take a compliment because I think people are secretly making fun of me. A mirror, a picture, an acknowledgement of any kind of my presence still sends me into a panic. In a crowd of people if I could turn myself inside out and roll away I would. You see my best features are my brain and heart, and people misuse those and take them for granted too. So at 50, I left the dress again, this time in the virtual dressing room. I most likely don't have another 50 years to get the courage to buy the dress. I'll sit secretly on the beach on my birthday wishing I had the guts, wishing I had followed through all the promises I made myself so I could deserve the dress. I will smile and spend time with my family, looking at the vastness of the ocean, knowing that my existence is no bigger than a speck of sand, I have let fallen through my hands for at least the 20th time that day. The world won't miss me when I'm gone, the world most likely wouldn't even look twice at me in my birthday dress, and yet I still can't love myself enough to buy the dress and wear the smile I am sure it would give me.

My relationship with my father has been difficult and complicated my entire life. While I have always been an emotional type, my father has always been the cold/logical type. He was abusive towards me as a child. At the very same time my older brother and my classmates at school where also physically and verbally abusive towards me from kindergarten all the way through high school. I recently started family therapy with both my parents in a desperate attempt to heal our relationship. My father layed out his genuine feelings on the table this Thursday and pretty much layed blame for all my mental health issues on me. He stands by how he decided to “parent” me when I was younger and claims my mental health struggles are simply because I don’t do “enough.” I don’t work on myself enough, I don’t try enough, I don’t think rationally and logically enough. I exploded with anger when he communicated this. “You don’t get to have a primary role in messing me up in the first place and get to say that. You are the last person on this Earth who gets to say that to me you piece of shit.” Am I wrong for saying this? Am I to blame? He went even further to say my issues are a “burden” on the family and that I am selfish and unempathetic. Why do I give my father so much power over me? I guess it is because he is my father and I’ve always wanted his acceptance and for him to accept me for who I am. I could just use some added perspective from the Mighty community on this subject for my blood is still boiling from this interaction with him. #Abuse #Depression #Family #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Trauma #AbusiveRelationship

Hey y'all, been a bit since I posted, hope everyone's hanging in there. My stepson is still doing OK but he's looking at his 5th or 6th surgery next week to remove more scar tissue from his eye. He's been going through my Inner Child Workbook too, and it seems like its helping him with some of the emotions that come up from his mother, so that's good.

My husband and I are having a hard time lately because we realized how one sided our friendship with another couple has been. I always kind of thought the wife reminded me of my mother, and more and more we started realizing how much both of them are just not people we want to be friends with. I feel like they only want to be friends as long as it means they don't have to do anything. We stopped going by there and after more than a week the husband came by and we told him how we were feeling, and he said they still want to be friends and we'll figure this out, but it feels like he kinda blew it off, because now its been another week and a half and we still haven't seen or heard from either of them. We've decided we're done and not interested in being friends, but it looks like we're going to have to be the ones to go down and tell them, which is basically how I was already feeling about them (like they don't want to put any effort out). Its just a sucky situation and we're beating ourselves up for letting ourselves get in this situation and not seeing the signs along the way.

Right now we're sitting in a coffee shop because our truck is in the shop getting all the ball joints on the front replaced, 2 weeks ago we had to replace all the brakes because one of the rear ones broke-broke while we were driving, like burst apart, the mechanic said when they took it off the ball bearings fell out and rolled all over the floor. I'm just glad it didn't happen half an hour earlier when we were on the freeway. It going to make money tight the next few months since we're using the savings to pay for all this and will need to tighten the budget a lot to put money back in the savings.

I guess overall, things aren't bad, just very stressful lately. Thanks if you actually made it though all my rambling, I appreciate y'all being out there and how understanding everyone is. All of you are in my thoughts as well and I'm always trying to put good vibes out there for you even if I'm not posting that often. Thanks again!

Hey y'all, been a bit since I posted, hope everyone's hanging in there. My stepson is still doing OK but he's looking at his 5th or 6th surgery next week to remove more scar tissue from his eye. He's been going through my Inner Child Workbook too, and it seems like its helping him with some of the emotions that come up from his mother, so that's good.

My husband and I are having a hard time lately because we realized how one sided our friendship with another couple has been. I always kind of thought the wife reminded me of my mother, and more and more we started realizing how much both of them are just not people we want to be friends with. I feel like they only want to be friends as long as it means they don't have to do anything. We stopped going by there and after more than a week the husband came by and we told him how we were feeling, and he said they still want to be friends and we'll figure this out, but it feels like he kinda blew it off, because now its been another week and a half and we still haven't seen or heard from either of them. We've decided we're done and not interested in being friends, but it looks like we're going to have to be the ones to go down and tell them, which is basically how I was already feeling about them (like they don't want to put any effort out). Its just a sucky situation and we're beating ourselves up for letting ourselves get in this situation and not seeing the signs along the way.

Right now we're sitting in a coffee shop because our truck is in the shop getting all the ball joints on the front replaced, 2 weeks ago we had to replace all the brakes because one of the rear ones broke-broke while we were driving, like burst apart, the mechanic said when they took it off the ball bearings fell out and rolled all over the floor. I'm just glad it didn't happen half an hour earlier when we were on the freeway. It going to make money tight the next few months since we're using the savings to pay for all this and will need to tighten the budget a lot to put money back in the savings.

I guess overall, things aren't bad, just very stressful lately. Thanks if you actually made it though all my rambling, I appreciate y'all being out there and how understanding everyone is. All of you are in my thoughts as well and I'm always trying to put good vibes out there for you even if I'm not posting that often. Thanks again!

Hey y'all, been a bit since I posted, hope everyone's hanging in there. My stepson is still doing OK but he's looking at his 5th or 6th surgery next week to remove more scar tissue from his eye. He's been going through my Inner Child Workbook too, and it seems like its helping him with some of the emotions that come up from his mother, so that's good.

My husband and I are having a hard time lately because we realized how one sided our friendship with another couple has been. I always kind of thought the wife reminded me of my mother, and more and more we started realizing how much both of them are just not people we want to be friends with. I feel like they only want to be friends as long as it means they don't have to do anything. We stopped going by there and after more than a week the husband came by and we told him how we were feeling, and he said they still want to be friends and we'll figure this out, but it feels like he kinda blew it off, because now its been another week and a half and we still haven't seen or heard from either of them. We've decided we're done and not interested in being friends, but it looks like we're going to have to be the ones to go down and tell them, which is basically how I was already feeling about them (like they don't want to put any effort out). Its just a sucky situation and we're beating ourselves up for letting ourselves get in this situation and not seeing the signs along the way.

Right now we're sitting in a coffee shop because our truck is in the shop getting all the ball joints on the front replaced, 2 weeks ago we had to replace all the brakes because one of the rear ones broke-broke while we were driving, like burst apart, the mechanic said when they took it off the ball bearings fell out and rolled all over the floor. I'm just glad it didn't happen half an hour earlier when we were on the freeway. It going to make money tight the next few months since we're using the savings to pay for all this and will need to tighten the budget a lot to put money back in the savings.

I guess overall, things aren't bad, just very stressful lately. Thanks if you actually made it though all my rambling, I appreciate y'all being out there and how understanding everyone is. All of you are in my thoughts as well and I'm always trying to put good vibes out there for you even if I'm not posting that often. Thanks again!

hi, i just joined today. the reason i joined is because i have c-ptsd and i feel like i am going to sabotage my beautiful new relationship (w someone i have known for decades) because i constantly question whether i can trust him or if he really wants me. it really annoys me to experience this over and over, despite his patience, which i do not want to exhaust. trying to just figure out how to make it stop! thank you <3

Hi Mighties. I haven't been able to get on here much the past few months, our wifi hotspot died and we haven't been able to replace it.

So, long story short, my stepson hurt his eye about 2 and a half weeks ago, he's had 2 surgeries and a lot of doctor’s appointments since then (4 hours round trip to the university hospital), and its left me and my husband feeling completely drained.

But even before that, I was working on The Inner Child Workbook, but kind of got stuck on the first inner child. I was thinking I need to send my parents a letter or something (I told them not to contact me when I moved out Oct. of 2019 I think it was). But I have seriously mixed feelings about it. Its like I need them to know why I am mad at them, but at the same time I so don't want to open the door to them again. I think what I should do is keep doing the workbook but also work on a letter and if I feel like I get the letter just right, only then send it.

Thanks for listening all of you, it helps to know someone out there understands and sees this stuff.

#Childhoodemotionalneglect #Reconciliation #Anxiety

Hi Mighties. I haven't been able to get on here much the past few months, our wifi hotspot died and we haven't been able to replace it.

So, long story short, my stepson hurt his eye about 2 and a half weeks ago, he's had 2 surgeries and a lot of doctor’s appointments since then (4 hours round trip to the university hospital), and its left me and my husband feeling completely drained.

But even before that, I was working on The Inner Child Workbook, but kind of got stuck on the first inner child. I was thinking I need to send my parents a letter or something (I told them not to contact me when I moved out Oct. of 2019 I think it was). But I have seriously mixed feelings about it. Its like I need them to know why I am mad at them, but at the same time I so don't want to open the door to them again. I think what I should do is keep doing the workbook but also work on a letter and if I feel like I get the letter just right, only then send it.

Thanks for listening all of you, it helps to know someone out there understands and sees this stuff.

#Childhoodemotionalneglect #Reconciliation #Anxiety