Hi folks. I've been here for a few whiles but haven't posted. This is what's going on now...I live in bed.
I have no furniture but my bed. I have no room for furniture; my old couch broke and as my things are all in boxes and have been moved around, messed with, spilled and repacked, etc since I was in the hospital in April, I can only dream of another one. I can't fix this mess alone. I have no willing friends and no money to pay someone if I knew who to pay, if any service is even available during the pandemic. My bf is depressed as well and has done this to our apt. Empty 2 litres everywhere. Paper garbage crumpled and on the floor. Dishes that rarely get done; plates are non existent. Where did they go!? I try to pick up but there's only so much I can do. He and my grown son who lives w me blame me for all this. Yes, it may be my stuff but it USED to be organized. I've got photos! I suffer from arthritis/chronic pain. Pain in my shoulder my Dr says is bursitis along w the arthritis, and I broke my knee badly in April and it's very painful altho I do my PT exercises daily. I already was disabled from arthritis in my hip (hip replacement didn't stop its progression) when I got my same leg rolled up on by an elderly lady's car in a parking lot in 2012. Her tire snapped my tib/fib in half. As a result of all this, I have nerve and tissue damage and a ton of titanium in my left leg! I can't get up from the floor, much less get down to it in the first place so sitting there is impossible. My car is full of crap pulled out of our storage and left there since May. It has a dead battery and the jump kit I bought I'm afraid to use in the rain and the rain won't stop. These are not excuses, these are realities. What do I do? I feel trapped. I live with pathways from here to there. I've never lived like this. Depression and anxiety are good friends of mine and I don't sleep much. I have pulsitile tinnitus that's very loud. I'm not suicidal or anything although I do feel helpless. I'm in the planning stages of taking a shower, that's difficult as well, and I bought vitamins and face cream last week to help with self care. I'm SICK of people saying "baby steps!" "Just breeeeathe!" Neonatal steps are more like it, and we know neonates are in the womb and can't fend for themselves, "breathe" or "walk." I can't figure this out at all. It's overwhelming. So that's my life right now. My son is good to me, goes to the store, picks up my Rxs for me and cooks for me too bc he loves to cook, but he's bipolar and has severe anger issues he's working on. It's counter productive to mention the mess to him, he just gets angry and stomps off and shuts my door. Talking to him beyond that point fuels his fire and he has worked so hard to get even this far that I'm not willing to bring it up with him. Bf is another book!!
Thanks for listening...