ShatteredPiecesOfMe

@shatteredpiecesofme
Community Voices
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Insanely triggered

I was punched at work last week. Protecting a client at work. My landlord just told me repeatedly maybe I should have been punched. They also brought up my ex and how well he is doing without prompting. Just came into my home and start bringing up a past relationship they know was horrible and how well that guy is doing. I gasped at his name and thought I was going to throw up. Now I know he’s getting married this weekend and it’s going to mess up my whole weekend. I don’t look shit up about him for a reason…

Then dealing with that and the “I must be the bad person who caused everything and that’s why he’s getting all the good stuff in life and I’m struggling situation.” Then the landlord threatened to evict me repeatedly and told me I should have been punched. I’ve been homeless before and horrible things happened…

Now I’m all messed up in my head and can’t calm down. I feel sick. I feel like all I’m seeing is the horrible cruel mean side of people. I can’t stop crying. I’m thinking of hurting myself. I’m not going to do it but I’m falling apart. It was already a hard night.

10 people are talking about this
Community Voices
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Trigger warning

I can’t say it to my friends because it will haunt them if I do it.

But I’m becoming increasingly suicidal every day.

The world is not made for people like me.

People turn me away when I ask for help.

People mock me for things I can’t control due to the issues that resulted from abuse.

The people who hurt me still control me, even though they are not in my life anymore.

I have no hope for my future. The doctors turn me away. My symptoms are so bad I now have tics. I have issues at every job I work. And leaving the country will be close to impossible.

I have basically no one.

And I think at this point even logically it makes sense. Because what type of life is this?

I thought someday it would get better but it won’t.

28 people are talking about this
Community Voices

Not just “ideation”

I have suffered a lot of traumas from childhood into adulthood with a most recent, devastating trauma that happened 2 months ago. Since then, all of my symptoms of anxiety/panic attacks, trouble sleeping, de-personalization/realization, flashbacks, dissociation, etc skyrocketed to the most extreme. Chaos reigns. Internal struggle/conflict about whether to live or die until I realized …. I can’t protect myself. This most recent trauma involved my son putting his hands on me and trapping me/keeping me from leaving my own house. I have been hurt physically by a lot of people, but my kids are my LIFE. When one of them hurts you …. How do I describe that feeling? It felt like my soul was ripped out. I CANNOT and will not suffer from one more f-ing person putting their hands on me EVER AGAIN. I have tried multiple times to end my life in the past due to physical abuse when I was a kid, a sexual/physical assault, etc. They were very serious attempts that I just couldn’t believe I survived. I used to think the hospital was a place I would need to be in order to save me from my driven self-destruction. That was …. UNTIL … a hospital staff member grabbed me by the hair and slammed my head into the wall repeatedly while her co-workers looked on. Until … a month after I was assaulted I was taunted & physically hurt on purpose bc hospital security. Until … I was threatened by a “nurse” who said she would tie me down to a bed and cut my clothes off me if I didn’t change into a gown in 5 seconds…. Until …. I was forced to “let” a female staff member strip search me or else face male security as a way to “enforce” what I didn’t want to do.

Therefore … “help” for me only comes in the afterlife where I can be with God and angels. Where I KNOW I will be safe and no one can hurt me again. I contacted a lawyer to draft up a Will and funeral arrangements for me. If he hadn’t been dragging his feet and I hadn’t been so LOST in waves of grief — it would have been complete by now and I wouldn’t be writing this post. There have been agonizing days that just making it through SECONDS was such a huge struggle when ALL I wanted was to be GONE. But my Will is important and I have to make sure my wishes, things I left to family members, etc is enforceable on a court after I’m gone.

So … I understand people have thoughts about suicide. But for me, I fully intend to complete it. I have a plan and a back-up plan if by some damn miracle I happen to wake up. I go back and forth between huge waves of grief to just looking forward to PEACE. Not a single person can guarantee that no one will hurt me again while I EXIST here on this earth. I’ve been suffering for so long and I’ve just had ENOUGH.

I have a counselor that I recently started seeing in February of this year. I’ve had a really hard time connecting with her and trusting her, but she knows about my Will and my plans. Throughout my life I have never had the CHANCE or opportunity to deal with all of my traumas bc it’s been extremely hard to find a counselor who knows what they’re doing and can handle the severity of my symptoms. I WISH I could have gone to this place called The Refuge in Florida. They have a specialized program for trauma survivors. My insurance doesn’t cover it. Yeah —- there’s help out there, it’s just not available TO ME.

7 people are talking about this
Community Voices

Not just “ideation”

I have suffered a lot of traumas from childhood into adulthood with a most recent, devastating trauma that happened 2 months ago. Since then, all of my symptoms of anxiety/panic attacks, trouble sleeping, de-personalization/realization, flashbacks, dissociation, etc skyrocketed to the most extreme. Chaos reigns. Internal struggle/conflict about whether to live or die until I realized …. I can’t protect myself. This most recent trauma involved my son putting his hands on me and trapping me/keeping me from leaving my own house. I have been hurt physically by a lot of people, but my kids are my LIFE. When one of them hurts you …. How do I describe that feeling? It felt like my soul was ripped out. I CANNOT and will not suffer from one more f-ing person putting their hands on me EVER AGAIN. I have tried multiple times to end my life in the past due to physical abuse when I was a kid, a sexual/physical assault, etc. They were very serious attempts that I just couldn’t believe I survived. I used to think the hospital was a place I would need to be in order to save me from my driven self-destruction. That was …. UNTIL … a hospital staff member grabbed me by the hair and slammed my head into the wall repeatedly while her co-workers looked on. Until … a month after I was assaulted I was taunted & physically hurt on purpose bc hospital security. Until … I was threatened by a “nurse” who said she would tie me down to a bed and cut my clothes off me if I didn’t change into a gown in 5 seconds…. Until …. I was forced to “let” a female staff member strip search me or else face male security as a way to “enforce” what I didn’t want to do.

Therefore … “help” for me only comes in the afterlife where I can be with God and angels. Where I KNOW I will be safe and no one can hurt me again. I contacted a lawyer to draft up a Will and funeral arrangements for me. If he hadn’t been dragging his feet and I hadn’t been so LOST in waves of grief — it would have been complete by now and I wouldn’t be writing this post. There have been agonizing days that just making it through SECONDS was such a huge struggle when ALL I wanted was to be GONE. But my Will is important and I have to make sure my wishes, things I left to family members, etc is enforceable on a court after I’m gone.

So … I understand people have thoughts about suicide. But for me, I fully intend to complete it. I have a plan and a back-up plan if by some damn miracle I happen to wake up. I go back and forth between huge waves of grief to just looking forward to PEACE. Not a single person can guarantee that no one will hurt me again while I EXIST here on this earth. I’ve been suffering for so long and I’ve just had ENOUGH.

I have a counselor that I recently started seeing in February of this year. I’ve had a really hard time connecting with her and trusting her, but she knows about my Will and my plans. Throughout my life I have never had the CHANCE or opportunity to deal with all of my traumas bc it’s been extremely hard to find a counselor who knows what they’re doing and can handle the severity of my symptoms. I WISH I could have gone to this place called The Refuge in Florida. They have a specialized program for trauma survivors. My insurance doesn’t cover it. Yeah —- there’s help out there, it’s just not available TO ME.

7 people are talking about this
Community Voices

I will not burden people anymore

No point in remaining alive if I just frustrate people who try to help me

Thanks to severe childhood trauma and constant other trauma's/abuse and likely genetic component (I got the worst life) I am incapable of saying how I feel and lashing out in a desperate state of protection

I am tired of this pain. I am tired I don't have the power to help myself and I see the frustration on everyone around me

If I am dead I am doing them a favor. They won't have to worry about me anymore. They won't have to be frustrated and exhausted. If I am dead, they can move on knowing they don't have to worry about me anymore

Me dying will be a good thing. I've already hurt people and has, unfortunately, continued the cycle of abuse in many ways. Ruined many relationships.

Some people deserve to die because being alive already makes people suffer. My death will be an act of altruism, Everyone will understand

#Suicide

20 people are talking about this
Community Voices
Community Voices

I will not burden people anymore

No point in remaining alive if I just frustrate people who try to help me

Thanks to severe childhood trauma and constant other trauma's/abuse and likely genetic component (I got the worst life) I am incapable of saying how I feel and lashing out in a desperate state of protection

I am tired of this pain. I am tired I don't have the power to help myself and I see the frustration on everyone around me

If I am dead I am doing them a favor. They won't have to worry about me anymore. They won't have to be frustrated and exhausted. If I am dead, they can move on knowing they don't have to worry about me anymore

Me dying will be a good thing. I've already hurt people and has, unfortunately, continued the cycle of abuse in many ways. Ruined many relationships.

Some people deserve to die because being alive already makes people suffer. My death will be an act of altruism, Everyone will understand

#Suicide

20 people are talking about this
Community Voices

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8 people are talking about this
Community Voices

Im tired of being alone

Im desperate for real human connection.
On the weekend I don’t have any meaningfull face to face connection with anyone .
My mental health is just declining …
Im tired to be the one who organize stuff and then ppl just cancel last minute …
Im tired of putting myself there and face rejection .
Im tired of not being important to anyone .
I need people but nobody needs me …
They all have their life , theirs kids , their spouse , their friend and I’m just on the side .
My psy says I do everything right and it’s just a rough patch and I have to hang on … but I’m fed up .
This year I tried everything . I tried being open , I tried to invite ppl over , they come one or 2 times but after that they just stop responding or say they are too busy …
I tried doing new activities
I tried being positive , listen to others
And nothing really worked .
I feel the problem is me . I use to have some friends , was never super popular but I had some friends … but they all got their life , kid , spouse and I’m on the side …
Im in pain 24/7 because of my loneliness
I have acquaintance , I don’t think I’m a bad person but I feel like I just got unlucky … and now that I’m more and more lonely I’m pretty sure it shows and people don’t want someone who is desperate … so they just gently let me down … but I still have the need to connect.
I don’t see any issue right now . I’m tired . Why did I do wrong ? Why is this happening ? How am I supposed to be alive when my basic needs are not met ? I know it’s not their job to lift me up but … I just want someone to talk to , to share my joy , to do stuff with me . I feel like I’m just a monster and this is what I deserve .

17 people are talking about this