stitched2gether

@stitched2gether
Community Voices

I'm New Here today is the first day I've really explored this site in detail. I wish they had this when I was a child my life may have been better.

I have multiple mental disorders as welll as several in curable health conditions. I have suffered from Bipolar Disorder with severe major depression schizophrenia antisocial borderline personality and crippling anxiety disorders my whole life and the last 3 years Agoraphobia. As far back as I can remeber I have always felt this way the first time I attempted to take my own life I was about 8 years old cutting for the first time as well and I’m now 44 this has been a life long war between me and my own thoughts, emotions the wispering telling me I don't want to live I just want to end the hurt that I'm no good to anyone and I am my own worst enemy. I can’t say as I have ever known what happiness is I have never desired to be alive even now the only reason I’m still here is the very few people that do love me. I lost my mother 3 years ago she was my everything my biggest fan she never tried to change me and accepted me for what I am. Back then they didn't even acknowledge mental illnesses in children and had no idea how to help me you didn't speak of such things it was a ugly secret and she never made me feel anything less than anyone else. She always told me that I was just different that I felt other peoples pain and took it on as if it were my own I fell everything so intensely and always have. I had a heart attack in 2016 due to broken heart syndrome a few months after finding out her cancer was now in stage 4 it damaged 55% of the muscles in my heart where I constantly worried and started preparing myself to come home from work or whatever to find her dead. I was her sole caregiver through 7 years of her fighting Mastetic breast cancer that spread throughout her whole body when I watched her take her last breath it did something to me I haven’t been able to hardly go outside let alone anywhere else I have a very serious genetic blood mutation that causes my blood to make hundreds of clots that I'm supposed to be monitored and on medications to try to keep it from clotting and I can’t even make myself go to my doctors appointments and just even the thought of having to leave my room causes severe anxiety attacks along with urges to self harm I can't leave the house because of it. I can have numerous mood swings in a day. I have so much rage inside and I can’t be around anybody but just a very few people because I react to the things they may say or do or that my mind tells me they did before I realize what I’m doing and I get violent to the point I scare myself. I don’t interact with family I have cut just about everyone including my family my children and grandchildren out of my life. I have been a prisioner in this room for the last 3 years. I hate myself for being this way I can’t fix it I try but no matter how hard I do try my mind will not let me out. My quality of life is nonexistant at this point I still fight everyday to make it one more day not for myself but for my children and the few people in my life that love me even though I can't love myself. I miss what little bit of happiness I did know I miss being able to even go to the mailbox I would give anything to get my life back. Thats why I'm here today.

#MightyTogether

5 people are talking about this
Community Voices

I destroyed

<p>I destroyed</p>
Community Voices

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Community Voices

What is your least favourite question to be asked? #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #CPTSD

I'm curious, what is your least favourite question to be asked? Mine is "what do you do in your spare time?" because honestly the answer is "survive, cry, numb, binge eat" etc and that isn't a particularly socially acceptable answer. I tend to just answer with random hobbies that I do infrequently and don't even enjoy that much, just to fill the dead space. Your question can be anything! It doesn't have to be directly addressing mental health.

53 people are talking about this
Community Voices

My mind races all the time. I worry about everything and if I don't have anything to worry about, I am waiting for something bad to happen.

<p>My mind races all the time. I worry about everything and if I don't have anything to worry about, I am waiting for something bad to happen.</p>
4 people are talking about this
Community Voices

<p></p>
1 person is talking about this
Community Voices

My mind races all the time. I worry about everything and if I don't have anything to worry about, I am waiting for something bad to happen.

<p>My mind races all the time. I worry about everything and if I don't have anything to worry about, I am waiting for something bad to happen.</p>
4 people are talking about this
Community Voices

My mind races all the time. I worry about everything and if I don't have anything to worry about, I am waiting for something bad to happen.

<p>My mind races all the time. I worry about everything and if I don't have anything to worry about, I am waiting for something bad to happen.</p>
4 people are talking about this
Community Voices

I'm New Here today is the first day I've really explored this site in detail. I wish they had this when I was a child my life may have been better.

I have multiple mental disorders as welll as several in curable health conditions. I have suffered from Bipolar Disorder with severe major depression schizophrenia antisocial borderline personality and crippling anxiety disorders my whole life and the last 3 years Agoraphobia. As far back as I can remeber I have always felt this way the first time I attempted to take my own life I was about 8 years old cutting for the first time as well and I’m now 44 this has been a life long war between me and my own thoughts, emotions the wispering telling me I don't want to live I just want to end the hurt that I'm no good to anyone and I am my own worst enemy. I can’t say as I have ever known what happiness is I have never desired to be alive even now the only reason I’m still here is the very few people that do love me. I lost my mother 3 years ago she was my everything my biggest fan she never tried to change me and accepted me for what I am. Back then they didn't even acknowledge mental illnesses in children and had no idea how to help me you didn't speak of such things it was a ugly secret and she never made me feel anything less than anyone else. She always told me that I was just different that I felt other peoples pain and took it on as if it were my own I fell everything so intensely and always have. I had a heart attack in 2016 due to broken heart syndrome a few months after finding out her cancer was now in stage 4 it damaged 55% of the muscles in my heart where I constantly worried and started preparing myself to come home from work or whatever to find her dead. I was her sole caregiver through 7 years of her fighting Mastetic breast cancer that spread throughout her whole body when I watched her take her last breath it did something to me I haven’t been able to hardly go outside let alone anywhere else I have a very serious genetic blood mutation that causes my blood to make hundreds of clots that I'm supposed to be monitored and on medications to try to keep it from clotting and I can’t even make myself go to my doctors appointments and just even the thought of having to leave my room causes severe anxiety attacks along with urges to self harm I can't leave the house because of it. I can have numerous mood swings in a day. I have so much rage inside and I can’t be around anybody but just a very few people because I react to the things they may say or do or that my mind tells me they did before I realize what I’m doing and I get violent to the point I scare myself. I don’t interact with family I have cut just about everyone including my family my children and grandchildren out of my life. I have been a prisioner in this room for the last 3 years. I hate myself for being this way I can’t fix it I try but no matter how hard I do try my mind will not let me out. My quality of life is nonexistant at this point I still fight everyday to make it one more day not for myself but for my children and the few people in my life that love me even though I can't love myself. I miss what little bit of happiness I did know I miss being able to even go to the mailbox I would give anything to get my life back. Thats why I'm here today.

#MightyTogether

5 people are talking about this
Community Voices

I'm New Here today is the first day I've really explored this site in detail. I wish they had this when I was a child my life may have been better.

I have multiple mental disorders as welll as several in curable health conditions. I have suffered from Bipolar Disorder with severe major depression schizophrenia antisocial borderline personality and crippling anxiety disorders my whole life and the last 3 years Agoraphobia. As far back as I can remeber I have always felt this way the first time I attempted to take my own life I was about 8 years old cutting for the first time as well and I’m now 44 this has been a life long war between me and my own thoughts, emotions the wispering telling me I don't want to live I just want to end the hurt that I'm no good to anyone and I am my own worst enemy. I can’t say as I have ever known what happiness is I have never desired to be alive even now the only reason I’m still here is the very few people that do love me. I lost my mother 3 years ago she was my everything my biggest fan she never tried to change me and accepted me for what I am. Back then they didn't even acknowledge mental illnesses in children and had no idea how to help me you didn't speak of such things it was a ugly secret and she never made me feel anything less than anyone else. She always told me that I was just different that I felt other peoples pain and took it on as if it were my own I fell everything so intensely and always have. I had a heart attack in 2016 due to broken heart syndrome a few months after finding out her cancer was now in stage 4 it damaged 55% of the muscles in my heart where I constantly worried and started preparing myself to come home from work or whatever to find her dead. I was her sole caregiver through 7 years of her fighting Mastetic breast cancer that spread throughout her whole body when I watched her take her last breath it did something to me I haven’t been able to hardly go outside let alone anywhere else I have a very serious genetic blood mutation that causes my blood to make hundreds of clots that I'm supposed to be monitored and on medications to try to keep it from clotting and I can’t even make myself go to my doctors appointments and just even the thought of having to leave my room causes severe anxiety attacks along with urges to self harm I can't leave the house because of it. I can have numerous mood swings in a day. I have so much rage inside and I can’t be around anybody but just a very few people because I react to the things they may say or do or that my mind tells me they did before I realize what I’m doing and I get violent to the point I scare myself. I don’t interact with family I have cut just about everyone including my family my children and grandchildren out of my life. I have been a prisioner in this room for the last 3 years. I hate myself for being this way I can’t fix it I try but no matter how hard I do try my mind will not let me out. My quality of life is nonexistant at this point I still fight everyday to make it one more day not for myself but for my children and the few people in my life that love me even though I can't love myself. I miss what little bit of happiness I did know I miss being able to even go to the mailbox I would give anything to get my life back. Thats why I'm here today.

#MightyTogether

5 people are talking about this