Survivingfox

@survivingfox
Recently diagnosed with bipolar 1. I also live with generalized anxiety disorder.
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Tired

#I just came off a manic episode after going off my meds for 3 days. I actually enjoyed it because I felt so upbeat and energetic. Somewhere in the midst of the episode I started to feel paranoid and physically drained from not sleeping so I started taking my meds since yesterday. I am so tired of the ups and downs and anxiety and feeling psychotic/feeling like no one understands me. Lately I've been thinking about ending everything but I can't come up with a method so I guess that's good. I'm angry that I don't have it in me. I wish I never had this f#"*&$+ disease, angry at the universe/ God, angry, just angry I have to live like this.#

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Is anyone to the point where they always have anxiety? I am having physical symptoms of shortness of breath and trembling as well as paranoia.

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How stable do you feel in managing your bipolar?

<p>How stable do you feel in managing your <a href="https://themighty.com/topic/bipolar-disorder/?label=bipolar" class="tm-embed-link  tm-autolink health-map" data-id="5b23ce6600553f33fe98e465" data-name="bipolar" title="bipolar" target="_blank">bipolar</a>?</p>
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Down the rabbit hole?

#today I was scheduled to see my psychiatrist at 3:40pm but I showed up at 4:30pm, 30 minutes before the clinic closed. I was disoriented, embarrassed, angry, and frustrated. I have been diagnosed as bipolar with psychotic features and for the last week or so I've been feeling disconnected with the world. I've experienced full blown psychosis about two years ago and now it seems that the spiral is beginning again. I feel so lost right now. I'm forgetting things and my concentration is off. My anxiety is at its peak because I have to wait until tomorrow to reschedule an appointment and talk to my therapist. my mom called to check how my appointment went. I told her what happened and she seemed like she didn't sympathize with me by saying she didn't understand since I'm taking my meds and talking to a therapist and all. She said that she knows of other people/celebrities who manage their bipolar symptoms well and that my struggles confuse her. Right when she said that I wanted to tear into her but I cut the conversation short stating I'm going to do the only thing I can which is get another appointment and talk with my therapist. I'm glad I cut the Convo short because I had so much anger and frustration and may have said something I would regret. Times like this I wish I didn't have this condition and everything seems to suck all around me.
#

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Feeling unstable

I'm scheduled to see my psychiatrist tomorrow and For some reason I've been thinking that If I tell her that I consumed a little marijuana on Father's day that she will send me to the hospital. I was feeling very anxious due to the fact that my daughter ghosted me about a year and a half ago due to an argument we had. At the time of the argument I wasn't taking care of myself and was off my medication. I said some horrible things out of anger. Any way, I partook to lessen the ruminating tension I was feeling which is something I'm supposed to avoid, and had a manic episode. I'm planning to talk with my therapist tomorrow as well to prepare for my psychiatric appointment. I've been off my game since about a week ago. I hope I get back on track.

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I've been out of work since not returning to work after taking a leave of absence. I have applied for renters assistance twice. The first application was denied because Supposedly I didn't make the deadline and now the second application was denied due to limited funding and so many people applying. I feel so defeated because I have done everything to get all the criteria done only to be back at square one. I have my therapist helping me and I'm waiting to speak with a case manager tomorrow but the anxiety is coming down on me hard. I am thinking about seeking disability for the first time in my life because I'm so stressed out and feel like an episode is just waiting to pounce on me. I'm feeling like I'm in psychosis here and there and that I'm losing it. Just had to vent.

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A Bit Of Comedy

<p>A Bit Of Comedy</p>
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It makes sense!

<p>It makes sense!</p>
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So is it okay?

To vent, rant, rave, cry, smile, and laugh here and fully feel safe? Safe from the rest of the world who just doesn’t understand. I am so full of; completely riddled with; lack of self esteem, self love, and especially am super insecure.

I am so afraid and scared to journal with a pen and paper (my ex read them and you know the rest of how that story goes) so I quit pen to paper and went digital but now am so conflicted bc now I am even scared of that.

Am I doing something wrong in life to feel this way? Is there anyone out there who is scared and lonely but yet not. Is this what Bipolar is about?

I’ve been diagnosed with Bipolar 1 for 15+ years and it’s not been fun nor an easy ride. Y’all know that too well.

I am just don’t know who I am anymore and am struggling with self identity. I feel lost and confused. Like I want to hide inside my house for the rest of my life and pretend

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