Tgowan83

@tgowan83
Community Voices

I just can't anymore

I have been married (luckily) for 14 years to the most wonderful woman on earth. That being said because of suffering with BPD/ADHD/bipolar 1/paranoia/severe anxiety I have completely broken this wonderful woman down again and again.
I have also had pornagraphy problem since I was about 13. She has caught me multiple times but I was too ashamed to fess up, due to fear and embarrassment. Our struggles have always been able to be worked through some what.

Well last night I tried something daring and extremely hard for me. I want to get better so I wanted to talk to my wife about everything I have done to her and finally truly deal with it. Long story short it all came out how much I was watching porn. All she saw was 14 years of her life wasted on me( a liar, monster, demon, worthless and will never change). All I want to do now is just die already and give this world and especially her a life that's better without me. I am in great need here, all my previous cuts and suicide attempts have been from rage or blackouts. This feeling is so overwhelming I just can't.
Also these 2 post I have put up have my anxiety through the roof. I want to get better and be the Godly husband she needs. But now it's just hopeless and I don't think I can do this suffering anymore. This is what I get for going outside my comfort zone

3 people are talking about this
Community Voices

HELP

I have been married (luckily) for 14 years to the most wonderful woman on earth. That being said because of suffering with BPD/ADHD/bipolar 1/paranoia/severe anxiety I have completely broken this wonderful woman down again and again.
I have also had pornagraphy problem since I was about 13. She has caught me multiple times but I was too ashamed to fess up, due to fear and embarrassment. Our struggles have always been able to be worked through some what.

Well last night I tried something daring and extremely hard for me. I want to get better so I wanted to talk to my wife about everything I have done to her and finally truly deal with it. Long story short it all came out how much I was watching porn. All she saw was 14 years of her life wasted on me( a liar, monster, demon, worthless and will never change). All I want to do now is just die already and give this world and especially her a life that's better without me. I am in great need here, all my previous cuts and suicide attempts have been from rage or blackouts. This feeling is so overwhelming I just can't.
Also these 2 post I have put up have my anxiety through the roof. I want to get better and be the Godly husband she needs. But now it's just hopeless and I don't think I can do this suffering anymore. This is what I get for going outside my comfort zone #hopeless #BPD

8 people are talking about this
Community Voices

HELP

I have been married (luckily) for 14 years to the most wonderful woman on earth. That being said because of suffering with BPD/ADHD/bipolar 1/paranoia/severe anxiety I have completely broken this wonderful woman down again and again.
I have also had pornagraphy problem since I was about 13. She has caught me multiple times but I was too ashamed to fess up, due to fear and embarrassment. Our struggles have always been able to be worked through some what.

Well last night I tried something daring and extremely hard for me. I want to get better so I wanted to talk to my wife about everything I have done to her and finally truly deal with it. Long story short it all came out how much I was watching porn. All she saw was 14 years of her life wasted on me( a liar, monster, demon, worthless and will never change). All I want to do now is just die already and give this world and especially her a life that's better without me. I am in great need here, all my previous cuts and suicide attempts have been from rage or blackouts. This feeling is so overwhelming I just can't.
Also these 2 post I have put up have my anxiety through the roof. I want to get better and be the Godly husband she needs. But now it's just hopeless and I don't think I can do this suffering anymore. This is what I get for going outside my comfort zone #hopeless #BPD

8 people are talking about this
Community Voices

A bit about me

For all my life I have dealt with mental issues. About 15 years ago the army diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) when i was discharged and placed in a mental hospital. About 3 years later I had a mental breakdown and was rediagnosed with B.P.D. I was put on some heavy medication that made me emotiinally empty. That caused me to almost lose the one person I truly love and that I feel has ever loved me. It took me 10 more years and an episode of trying to kill myself to accept that diagnosis. I sought some medical help which diagnosed me with B.P.D., Bipolar 1 (manic depressive) and sever anxiety disorder. I started taking a medication called lexapro that seemed to help for a while. I also participated in counseling for a while. Now I just don't know what all is wrong with me. Nothing really works anymore and i can't seem to control my actions. The only action I can somewhat control is physical anger. I never hit anyone I never wanted to. I do however destroy walls and other objects by hitting with my fist. I have also hurt myself by punching things. I never want to hurt anyone, physically or emotionally. That being said, all i seem to be able to do is destroy those closest to me emotiinally. I am so tired of all the pain I cause. I just don't want to cause pain anymore and I don't want to be in pain anymore. I just don't feel like meds and counseling are working. I just want all the pain and emptiness I feel to stop. I want all the pain I cause people around me to stop. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what all is wrong with me. I am going to seek psychiatric and psychological help, I just don't want to be put in a mental hospital again. I am so tired of feeling something inside and cannot actually show it and end up neglecting everything and everyone around me. All I want is to be normal and be able to show in my actions how I really feel. I feel so trapped in my own mind and hate feeling like everyone around me is against me somehow. I am constantly on guard and ready to fight or try to impress all those around me that I am not sure how they feel about me. Why do I fight and neglect those that I know love me. Why do I try and impress everyone else. I am so tired of being like this. What is wrong with me and why can't I fix it? Why does God allow this to be? Why can't I be good enough for God to love me and those close to me? Why does everyone around me suffer?

My Prayer to God:
Please God help me from being trapped in myself. Why have you not rescued me from myself yet? Why must I suffer daily? Why do I deserve this? Why do you allow the people around me suffer at my hands? Why does everyone around me not see the danger emitting from me? Why do you allow those close to me to suffer? Forget about me and my suffering, just rescue all those around me from being hurt by me anymore. They do not deserve what pain I cause them. Maybe I deserve what I go through but no one else around me does. I am tired of watching all those I do care about get hurt my me and you just sit back and do nothing. What kind of father are you that you allow you children to be destroyed by a monster like me? What kind of all powerful God are you if you allow your children to suffer because of me for so many years? If I'm being honest with myself, I don't believe you truly care about me. That everyone in my life you turn away from and allow suffering to happen. I know you are a powerful God, but I don't feel like you love me anymore. Even if that is so do not punish those who do love me. Don't allow them to suffer because of me, let me suffer for them and let them be happy.

Me and my wife became a couple at 18yrs old. Four months later we were married. No one believed we could make it. We have now been together for 13yrs and going.
Even though we have made it this long, it has been a great struggle. My wife went through three miscarriages in our first year. Sadly to say, I did not support her through them. In fact I made it harder for her.
Suffering with my mental disorders, she was mentally and emotionally abused by me. I did everything to control her and be dominant. I have put her down constantly and not even knowing I was. I have taken all her weaknesses and used them against her in anger. I hate myself for doing all that I have done to the one person in this world that has shown me nothing but love. I know in my heart that I love this woman, I wish that I was able to overcome my issues and truly show her how much I adore her.
As much as I have done to my wife she is not the only one who suffers. In some way or another everyone that gets close to me or show me love, gets hurt eventually. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with grief and anger I just want to end it all and end the suffering. I am seeking professional help but for now I'm glad I found this place.

3 people are talking about this
Community Voices

I need to get this out

CW/TW
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I am so sorry for being so annoying with my posts. I have no one to vent to and I'm getting scared. I have lived with this for 28 years only being treated the last year and a month in the army. Please don't think bad of me for what you are about to read. I know I need help.

For a week now I feel like I'm going or about to go through another mental snap.
I have been trying to get professional help for my issues but have had no luck yet. So I started to try and do it myself. Two nights ago I went way way out of my norm and completely opened up to my wife about all the not full truths in our marriage. Since her initial severe reaction I have completely lost myself. I am missing spans of time in the days, my chest feels like it's going to explode, I have not had a single bite of food in 3 days( I am just not hungry and if I try I feel like I'm gonna hurl).
I have been awake for over 60hrs now and I don't see an end in site.
My wife still hates me. No doctors will answer any of my attempts for help. I have just lost all emotion and energy. I just want to end it all. I have tried already yesterday but apparently I didn't take enough adderall and lexapro and ibuprofen. What ever I am so hopeless death don't want me. I'm just done eventually no sleep or food will do the job.

2 people are talking about this
Community Voices

I need to get this out

CW/TW
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
I am so sorry for being so annoying with my posts. I have no one to vent to and I'm getting scared. I have lived with this for 28 years only being treated the last year and a month in the army. Please don't think bad of me for what you are about to read. I know I need help.

For a week now I feel like I'm going or about to go through another mental snap.
I have been trying to get professional help for my issues but have had no luck yet. So I started to try and do it myself. Two nights ago I went way way out of my norm and completely opened up to my wife about all the not full truths in our marriage. Since her initial severe reaction I have completely lost myself. I am missing spans of time in the days, my chest feels like it's going to explode, I have not had a single bite of food in 3 days( I am just not hungry and if I try I feel like I'm gonna hurl).
I have been awake for over 60hrs now and I don't see an end in site.
My wife still hates me. No doctors will answer any of my attempts for help. I have just lost all emotion and energy. I just want to end it all. I have tried already yesterday but apparently I didn't take enough adderall and lexapro and ibuprofen. What ever I am so hopeless death don't want me. I'm just done eventually no sleep or food will do the job.

2 people are talking about this
Community Voices

Marriage

I have been married (luckily) for 14 years to the most wonderful woman on earth. That being said because of suffering with BPD/ADHD/bipolar 1/paranoia/severe anxiety I have completely broken this wonderful woman down again and again.
I have also had pornagraphy problem since I was about 13. She has caught me multiple times but I was too ashamed to fess up, due to fear and embarrassment. Our struggles have always been able to be worked through some what.

Well last night I tried something daring and extremely hard for me. I want to get better so I wanted to talk to my wife about everything I have done to her and finally truly deal with it. Long story short it all came out how much I was watching porn. All she saw was 14 years of her life wasted on me( a liar, monster, demon, worthless and will never change). All I want to do now is just die already and give this world and especially her a life that's better without me. I am in great need here, all my previous cuts and suicide attempts have been from rage or blackouts. This feeling is so overwhelming I just can't.
Also these 2 post I have put up have my anxiety through the roof. I want to get better and be the Godly husband she needs. But now it's just hopeless and I don't think I can do this suffering anymore. This is what I get for going outside my comfort zone

9 people are talking about this
Community Voices

Marriage

I have been married (luckily) for 14 years to the most wonderful woman on earth. That being said because of suffering with BPD/ADHD/bipolar 1/paranoia/severe anxiety I have completely broken this wonderful woman down again and again.
I have also had pornagraphy problem since I was about 13. She has caught me multiple times but I was too ashamed to fess up, due to fear and embarrassment. Our struggles have always been able to be worked through some what.

Well last night I tried something daring and extremely hard for me. I want to get better so I wanted to talk to my wife about everything I have done to her and finally truly deal with it. Long story short it all came out how much I was watching porn. All she saw was 14 years of her life wasted on me( a liar, monster, demon, worthless and will never change). All I want to do now is just die already and give this world and especially her a life that's better without me. I am in great need here, all my previous cuts and suicide attempts have been from rage or blackouts. This feeling is so overwhelming I just can't.
Also these 2 post I have put up have my anxiety through the roof. I want to get better and be the Godly husband she needs. But now it's just hopeless and I don't think I can do this suffering anymore. This is what I get for going outside my comfort zone

9 people are talking about this
Community Voices

Marriage

I have been married (luckily) for 14 years to the most wonderful woman on earth. That being said because of suffering with BPD/ADHD/bipolar 1/paranoia/severe anxiety I have completely broken this wonderful woman down again and again.
I have also had pornagraphy problem since I was about 13. She has caught me multiple times but I was too ashamed to fess up, due to fear and embarrassment. Our struggles have always been able to be worked through some what.

Well last night I tried something daring and extremely hard for me. I want to get better so I wanted to talk to my wife about everything I have done to her and finally truly deal with it. Long story short it all came out how much I was watching porn. All she saw was 14 years of her life wasted on me( a liar, monster, demon, worthless and will never change). All I want to do now is just die already and give this world and especially her a life that's better without me. I am in great need here, all my previous cuts and suicide attempts have been from rage or blackouts. This feeling is so overwhelming I just can't.
Also these 2 post I have put up have my anxiety through the roof. I want to get better and be the Godly husband she needs. But now it's just hopeless and I don't think I can do this suffering anymore. This is what I get for going outside my comfort zone

9 people are talking about this