The abuse survivor didn't do anything wrong - the abuser did
Holidays...3 months of that other face
That uncomfortable smile
Grateful for people a life's journey make
Grateful for those who chose to stop awhile
A lifetime of Anniversaries
Lessons of lost
Listen to the wind
Just wanted to give the heads up.. might be triggering. snatch of the streets off the street in the afternoon ; drugged to be part a pornography movie
Last night my body was in alot of pain . I do take pain meds/spine disease. Lately my somatic memories has pitch its tent. With these memories come ...I haven't been able to find a workable sequence...When they arrive.... immediate seclusion..no phones,.tv...
Just my air conditioner... It's weird whatever the somatic memories for me only cold air lessens the pain. I end up with my favorite blanket.. curled up in the fetal position. I refuse to seek medical help for it...they want to switch meds or I am attention seeking. There are times...I can barely crawl of my bed without falling.. not strong enough to roll over... I have know ideas on what will make it better. There's a total mistrust of the medical community. What is so bad in saying I don't know. Of course I am crazy.. I don't have your framed degree's on the wall.. for me.. just referring to my clinician team. They don't lessons so you can't have a psych history an actually be I'll (what a concept; imagine that)
Growing up I took a lot mass transit but walking through the neighborhood I spent some of my formative years. Generally know on would show up until you mentioned a gun. There was absolutely nothing for battered women..so to find something in beyond poor in the hood was.. To the many women in my hood..that mark was more like a badge of honor. A generation of kids were thrown away question why and adult would do that. It was seen as disrespectful. I realized I am all over with this post. Sorry; I am in the middle of somatic when I started...I will close out this soon. When I was 14.. I developed faster than the typical 14yr old... which came with unwanted attention. Coming home from school there were a great deal of abandoned building and fields. Building that were demolished and the city let grow high..It was a short cut for myself and classmates. One day coming home not really noticing anything https://imparticular.I had walk down these streets ..I was listening to music. I was grabbed by these two men place in a van..the women in the van gave me some white pills to swallow. My next memory is them taking off my clothes.. and there was this naked..they made me do some sexual stuff and they give me another pill. I kept going and out. They drop me off near they pick me up . Just I was about to walk up stairs. I remember brother who was about 3.. and it was 5. I got out my https://key.Yelling and screaming that I made her miss a days pay...I https://got.a speech about responsibility. Her voice kept going and out. I would hear every second or third word. So I sat on my bed but I wanted to sleep. She was asking if I was with these guys in on corner.. I was trying answer the question but I couldn't put words that made sense. She told not to lay on the bed with dirty clothes. After I took a shower change my https://clothes.My mother kept asking where I was. Silence in itself
disrespectful. The tool used so the children remember. A wire hanger straight as possible. Despite the sting..there was nothing to tell. #lost
Today was a tough one. I felt like I was finally starting to come out of a depressive episode but after today it feels more like I was caught in a wave, just came up for air, and now I’m being pulled back under.
I’ve decided not to see my family for Christmas as it would involve having to see my abuser for the first time in almost a year and have been thinking of how to break the news to my parents who don’t know about my trauma. I’m lucky enough that I was able to work through this in therapy and come up with a plan I’m happy with but then something else came up as we were discussing this.
When deciding if I would tell both my parents or just my mom I thought I only wanted to share with my mom because of the awkwardness of the subject surrounding sex and trauma. I brought up a story of when I used to be really close with my mom and came home after having sex for the first time with my boyfriend all excited and telling her about it and just having that girl talk and how special that was. Suddenly, a thought popped into my head that this experience was not in fact when I lost my virginity (and in hindsight wasn’t even good because of so many external factors) but rather my abuser took that experience from me.
I completely understand that virginity is something that society has made up and that it shouldn’t really be that big of a deal but for some reason this has completely shaken me. Realizing there’s now another thing that’s been taken away from me that I can never get back or repair because of the abuse knocked me back down and it felt like the wind got knocked out of me while simultaneously feeling regret and despair and anxiety and a general lack of control.
So now I’m back in the dark place, feeling like I’m drowning and my head is a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions.
What’s a boundary you’ve set recently?
Taking Big Steps Today
Trigger Warning: Suicidal thoughts and means mentioned.
Something big happened today. I reached out for help and someone answered. My morning was filled with suicidal thoughts and lots of intense crying. I messaged my oldest brother (after messaging 3 other people prior) and 17min later he actually replied.
So I spent the day with my brother and his family. When I was packing my stuff for a possible overnight I decided I'd pack my melatonin gummies with me because I knew them being here wouldn't serve any good. Especially since I've been struggling with Suicidal thoughts lately that revolve partially around the sleeping gummies..
I had him bring me home tonight so that I can be picked up for church tomorrow at my place. But upon doing so I took a Big Step in the right direction. By doing something good for me. I gave him my melatonin gummies. Asked him to hold onto them for me. When I was thinking about bringing them to his house I didn't like the idea of not having them because I feel like they've become like a "safety net". Like how when your addicted to something you feel like you need it. Except for me it's when I'm Suicidal I feel like I need it. For the "just in case". If you know what I mean. Just in case I ever decide or want to follow through.
I'm sort of proud of myself for taking that step. For removing a potential danger from my apartment and giving it to my brother. I don't know what the future holds, but I'm hoping its a lot brighter than now because I don't know how many times I can feel Suicidal and still live at the end of it. If you know what I mean.
I just want me back. And this isn't me. I really hate how depression changes you. I hope to one day get back to the me I used to be, but I have to wait n see.
Thats all for tonight I guess. Goodnight. N I hope you all sleep well.
POEM-“It’s in the Silence”
I write when sleep doesn’t come. Here’s a love poem from the heart.
When ships pass in the night, when routine is followed, when appearances are kept-these never apply. It isn’t forced, coerced, or expected. It’s not mundane, repetitive, or simply kind.
He doesn’t love her this way.
He loves her as a gentle touch of phosphorus waters create a galaxy of fairy dust. Dancing like magic within a dream. Like the sprinkle of salt required to make a sweet pastry perfect that many disregard. Like pawning his watch for gas money only to see her.
He doesn’t love her overtly. Or commonly. Or basically.
His love is a part of anything he touches. Every fleeting reminder through his day, each causing the corner of his mouth to upturn just short of a full smile.
He loves her like a sudden rainstorm or a cooling gust of wind when his skin is scorched in the sun. He loves her like chaos contained within a fortune teller’s globe. Like a mermaid swimming in a snowstorm, casting a spell upon him with each flip of her tail.
He loves her like a heartbeat, both hard and soft, like contrasting forces in a painting.
His love is a hand around a warm Christmas cocoa.
He does not love her like an 8 am morning. He loves her like a sudden jolt awake at 4:44 when he senses her restless thoughts.
He loves her like a dance card, ink filling his name over, and over, always.
He doesn’t love her day to day, or morning until night. He loves her like eternity, where days, and nights, and moments dance synchronized as one.
He loves her, as she needs to be loved. By him.
Control ; Fear
I really thought..I was strong.. enough to stand my ground .. with all the abuse I somehow managed to exist through. He got deeper than anyone else have.. miniscule as it was..I have been great at the fight or flight act ; me taking the latter. The majority of emotional and physical abuse came at the hand of the woman who gave birth to me... behind her footprint would me a legacy abusers..she placed me with them as she continued to live.. sometimes weeks later..she would pop in for a couple days ; remembering in those unscheduled moments. She had a girl child...who was never allowed to disagree/taking the words of my perpetrators at face value.. Although a great deal of the marks made by un straighten wire hangers now are covered ..When I take a shower..It apparent to this unknown part of me ....It still stings..as I still fear being hit today..my reality few understand why I stop fighting back..Use to it...Use to wanting to run...The seclusion where there's no expectation...I wonder sometime wether or not they think about me. The black sheep the disappointment...I wish they knew how long it took..be thrown away..
What is something you’re looking forward to this month?