victoriafskylar

@victoriafskylar
Community Voices

The Loud Destruction

Initally I didn't know what to call it it. But I remembered the first time I felt it. I hated the way it made me feel but still, I couldn't let people know that I had held it. It weakened me, but I refused to let people see the weak in me. I felt like it was eating me up from the inside out. And it made me want to tear the uneasiness from the insides out. Constantly having to deal with these monsters, where they seem to be winning this fight of destruction. Anxiety building with constant nightmares, with all around to stare. Laughter coming from the monsters, who just stand there, weighing me down without any care. All those lies bringing me down, where I can't seem to arise from what's above. Insecurities on display, where I can't seem to crush them down. This constant battle is all I've known for. Tearing me up inside, I feel constricted, where my veins are squeezing, my stomach is in knots, my nerves are out of whack, where does this end? My stomach is beating faster and faster, my brain is increasingly stimulating like crazy, but the monsters don't seem to care. All they seem to care is the constant lies that springs out of them, making me feel like I'm the victim of the destructed dooms. The dooms that cause loud kabooms inside my head.

The monsters tell me that they are my friend, that they'll be with me, around every bend. But all they speak out is the things that I have fears of. Claiming that if I fail, consequences will be severe. And when I hear those sounds of kabooms, that's what everything spins and the torture begins. The monsters wakes me up at night, making my chest feel bounded and tight, robbing my sleep, sharply interrupting things I wish to keep. The words they say, distressed and oppresses me, where the peace is ripped away and I'm replaced with the unrest. My confidence is erased and my breath is out of place. Everything that I hoped for, falls away. My dreams and desires, they rot and decay. The monsters make me feel sharply alert and painfully aware of every moment and memory of despair. They remind me that no one cares, that my body and mind is beyond repair. I'm robbed of rationality, driven by their brutality of their presence. They keep pleading me for their attention, yet I know of their reality of their invasion is constricted. Even though they try to get under my skin, they will never win, because they are the dooms of my destruction.

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Are You Okay?

I'm usually pretty good at putting on a mask. I mean, I do it all the time. And if anyone ever suspects that something is wrong, I brush them off with 'I'm fine', even when I'm not. But today I was really struggling and I couldn't force to put on another smile. It's exhausting to keep up with this persona- school, life, even the society where we live in denial. And I don't want to live in denial anymore.

But knowing that wasn't an option, I braced myself for another day. Feeling myself getting agitated, hoping it would just go away. Everything felt like it was going wrong. Like I did something wrong. And I could just feel that I was ready to burst. Emotions rushing to its surface, preparing myself for the worst.

But then I saw someone staring at me, like they can see right through me, sensing something was, they walked right to me and after a long pause they asked, "are you okay?". I've been asked that question many times before, but it was the way that they had asked it, that made me feel like they actually cared of what I had to say. Struggling to keep myself together, I could feel all my insecurities on display. My walls were crumbling down, and I had a lump in my throat, as my eyes started to tear up, as I clenched my fists together.

You see, my mask is my safety net, helping me get through each day with positivities and happiness. The only thing I can rely on to cover up all the hurt and pain. But now my safety net was gone. And I couldn't find the right words to say, because how do you tell someone you're hurting when you can't even remember the last time you were okay? I couldn't find myself to brush it off. I couldn't force to lie. I couldn't force myself to put on another smile, not this time. I couldn't make up a silly excuse because at this time, it didn't feel right. So I did the only thing I could, I broke down and cried.

They looked at me a way that no one ever looked at me before. They saw that my guard was down, the me that no one ever saw. They saw the tears that ran down my face, the redness on my cheeks, and even the humiliating and bruised pain I was feeling. But despite all of that, they accepted me by giving me a hug and wanted to know more.

The didn't to fix me but listened and gave me a choice. And I couldn't run from the hurt and pain, not this time. So I gave my problems a voice. I talked and talked while tears still running down my face, but they listened patiently and gave me a safe place. Not judgement, nor pretense, just love and support. And through communication and patience, we build up a rapport. I had no idea how it felt to feel free with everything off my chest that I was holding on for quite some time now. Months after letting it build inside of me, I finally felt at rest by releasing my emotions. And out of the all the ways of dealing with pain, who knew communication would be the best?

For the time in a long time, I finally felt okay to even smile and know that I am not alone but also that I can be happy even in the darkest of times. Like I was heard and validated to my feelings that were justified in some ways. That it wasn't my fault, so I had no reason to hide. If I just let anger all out, then eventually the pain would subside. The burden that overloaded me would feel a lot lighter. My perspective in life would change. And the world would become a brighter place.

See we didn't just talked, but connected and engaged, like they opened themselves up to me, and made me feel safe. So I'm extending the kindness further and hoping to do the same. I'd like to ask anyone who's out there in the world who's struggling right now, and ask the same question that they had asked me, are you okay?

5 people are talking about this
Community Voices

Are You Okay?

I'm usually pretty good at putting on a mask. I mean, I do it all the time. And if anyone ever suspects that something is wrong, I brush them off with 'I'm fine', even when I'm not. But today I was really struggling and I couldn't force to put on another smile. It's exhausting to keep up with this persona- school, life, even the society where we live in denial. And I don't want to live in denial anymore.

But knowing that wasn't an option, I braced myself for another day. Feeling myself getting agitated, hoping it would just go away. Everything felt like it was going wrong. Like I did something wrong. And I could just feel that I was ready to burst. Emotions rushing to its surface, preparing myself for the worst.

But then I saw someone staring at me, like they can see right through me, sensing something was, they walked right to me and after a long pause they asked, "are you okay?". I've been asked that question many times before, but it was the way that they had asked it, that made me feel like they actually cared of what I had to say. Struggling to keep myself together, I could feel all my insecurities on display. My walls were crumbling down, and I had a lump in my throat, as my eyes started to tear up, as I clenched my fists together.

You see, my mask is my safety net, helping me get through each day with positivities and happiness. The only thing I can rely on to cover up all the hurt and pain. But now my safety net was gone. And I couldn't find the right words to say, because how do you tell someone you're hurting when you can't even remember the last time you were okay? I couldn't find myself to brush it off. I couldn't force to lie. I couldn't force myself to put on another smile, not this time. I couldn't make up a silly excuse because at this time, it didn't feel right. So I did the only thing I could, I broke down and cried.

They looked at me a way that no one ever looked at me before. They saw that my guard was down, the me that no one ever saw. They saw the tears that ran down my face, the redness on my cheeks, and even the humiliating and bruised pain I was feeling. But despite all of that, they accepted me by giving me a hug and wanted to know more.

The didn't to fix me but listened and gave me a choice. And I couldn't run from the hurt and pain, not this time. So I gave my problems a voice. I talked and talked while tears still running down my face, but they listened patiently and gave me a safe place. Not judgement, nor pretense, just love and support. And through communication and patience, we build up a rapport. I had no idea how it felt to feel free with everything off my chest that I was holding on for quite some time now. Months after letting it build inside of me, I finally felt at rest by releasing my emotions. And out of the all the ways of dealing with pain, who knew communication would be the best?

For the time in a long time, I finally felt okay to even smile and know that I am not alone but also that I can be happy even in the darkest of times. Like I was heard and validated to my feelings that were justified in some ways. That it wasn't my fault, so I had no reason to hide. If I just let anger all out, then eventually the pain would subside. The burden that overloaded me would feel a lot lighter. My perspective in life would change. And the world would become a brighter place.

See we didn't just talked, but connected and engaged, like they opened themselves up to me, and made me feel safe. So I'm extending the kindness further and hoping to do the same. I'd like to ask anyone who's out there in the world who's struggling right now, and ask the same question that they had asked me, are you okay?

5 people are talking about this
Community Voices

Anxiety Attacks

For as long as I can remember, I've always had this void in my life. Making me have this empty feeling deep down inside of me. Pain in the pit of the stomach, shakiness in my body, tears running down my face- wondering where I went wrong. Like I did something wrong to have this feeling that I can't quite shake- no matter how hard I try. It's what consumes and eats away at me- making me feel empty and sad when I have these moments. I'll have great and happy moments- but when I think everything is fine- surprise! It keeps coming back- it's just a matter of time.

The constant frustration to fill this void- something to ease the pain. What's the cause? Nobody knows but yet I feel the same feelings every time it happens. It leaves me feeling so empty and down, like I'm missing something somehow. This missing key that's a big part of me and once I have it, I'll be happy and complete.

I've tried everything- friends, education, material stuff, but no matter how hard I tried, it never seems enough. It sucks! And I know that people will say- just think positive or that my problems is the solutions to self love. But its not simple as that, not when I get to the point where I just feel so numb.

I so badly want to fill my heart with so much positivities and happiness, that it takes all the sadness away. My childhood was so dark and angry- well at least inside my head it was, maybe not as much as I thought growing up but I always thought that once I hit adulthood, things would change. Somehow I would no longer feel the same- things aren't the same, it's not as intense anymore, but there's no denying it would come back again. Especially since it's not something that I can explain. I just wish it would go away.

I look at other people and they look so happy. I observe these people's lives either in person, on social media, tv- but it just seems like it comes naturally to them. And I know that all of that stuff can be misleading but when I feel so empty and down on the inside, I can't help but think, why can't that be me? I just so desperately want that- feel like I'm doing the right things. Like have fun with friends and family, having late night chats, dancing to silly music so in that moment I can feel happy again- or at least be in a happy place for a while. But that happiness doesn't always stay and it goes away, and the empty feelings kicks in again.

Do I sound crazy? God, I think I sound crazy

These thoughts tend to hit more at night- that's why I write, because sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with all the feelings that I just want to cry. But I don't know why. It just makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. It's so sad to admit that, it becomes so much easier to lie and act like everything is fine- even when it's not fine. Its not fine at all. But that's what I say- say that I'm fine. even when I'm not.

I mean, I'm not the only one who feels like this. Feeling like I lose more than I win. Like life is just an endless hill to climb. Like I've tried and tried but never seems to arise from what's happening. Events that happen in my past still will affect my life as an adult. When I lash out I feel like down out of no where- and I can't explain why?

It just seems so messed up in my head that sometimes there's no way to escape it- not when its all happening in my head like this. So, I just start to beat myself up til I feel so small- that even when I'm in a room full of people who are happy and smiling all the time, I still feel so alone. And I can put on an act to pretend that I'm tough, but deep down I never feel quite brave enough sometimes because I feel so small in this big, big world. I feel like all I have is my words to keep my sense of control.

These poems, they're like my therapy- a place where I can release and pour out my soul of emotions in hope that it'll make me feel better and somehow fill this empty hole. But one day, I'll be able to look back and it won't hurt me anymore. I'll be able to look back at this moment and not feel so sore because there's no cure. There's no way to fix it- it's just something that I'll have to learn to live with. But It'll get easier- if that I'm sure. I'm not the demons that are inside of my head. I'm not the hurt and pain I feel inside. I'm stronger than that- I can fight it! Understand that it's all temporary and that these things take time. So I just have to chin up, let myself breath and allow myself to feel everything there is to feel. I'm going to get through this, I just need to give it some time to let myself heal.

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