i choose recovery.
i choose recovery.
Lovin’ simple makeup!!
My best friend , a cancer survivor recently , is navigating this new health situation about 9 months behind my fiancés diagnosis . I have shared a lot with this person and I feel it was a help to both of us as I too was feeling like a failure due to my fiancés illness being terminal . So yesterday I was told that the negativity I bring by using the language of “if you’re lucky enough to live to 85” might be causing a return of her surgically removed tumor . My negativity might be injurious to her prognosis . Also told she doesn’t want to hear that again . The process of her diagnosis and prognosis is still not settled . I was generalizing that statement of “85” because anyone on the planet would be lucky if they reached that milestone . I was not directing to just her . This is not the first time I’ve had to defend my stance on real thinking . I think of cancer and people experiencing it as survivors and taught her the attitudes and language that is appropriate. I can’t believe that she feels I’m a detriment to her positive thoughts . I can’t believe in her magical thinking that this is a real tool that will defend her from recurrence. She has a history of ignoring what is too hard to face . Her family is the same . I felt like I could not defend myself due to her shut it down right now state of mind . I know sometimes it’s best to retreat to your private cave and luck your wounds alone . I wish her the best and fear that her level of denial will lead her to avoid treatment . She is convinced she will live well into her 90s and be faced with radiation based cancer at that time . She is postponing radiation in order to find as many “natural” preventive measures as she can . I want her to be happy and free of fear of it’s return so whatever she wants is fine . I have studied Cancer full time for 9 months now . I can truly say without a lot of money in your pocket for treatment , you are going to be at the mercy of your insurance co. There are both good and bad reasons for that . The process of FDA approval is worth the length of time it takes . Each day there is more good news for patients and it makes me happy that not everyone will experience the bad outcome that lays ahead for me and my fiancé . I guess I was surprised to experience the amount of restraint it took to let this go and let her learn her own way .I keep trying to grow in a way that is an elevation of mindfulness . It took at least 24 hrs to get accustomed to how uncomfortable that level of introspection felt . I have not been in touch with her today . She is on her way to the doctors now . I’m not sure if I want to hear how it went . In the past the story of the visit had a lot left out and barely makes sense . She has ADD and struggles with preparedness for such a meeting . She should ask for a patient advocate but won’t because she feed inept . Lots of dynamics with her . I don’t want to abandon her but it kinda feels like she isn’t good for me either . Maybe just a natural break in our time line will magically appear ? Positive thoughts only ! Let’s see if I can get that to work for once. I hope anyone reading this can see how we are all on a two way street in this journey . I just could believe after 36 yrs of friendship I’m thinking this isn’t healthy . I have never given one tinkers damm in the past about my own vulnerability . The last few years I’ve seen the value of counting myself as important too .It feels good but sometimes in a way you didn’t expect . It does ferl good to see myself as stable and able to work it out in my head do I don’t have to hurt anyone again . I don’t need to be right but I do need to be me . My answer to her request of “ I don’t need that kinda talk again “ was” I understand “. Thanks for listening to me
I’ve been drawing mostly graffiti for 15 years, And these last few years have been hard for me because as my mental health got worse I lost my inspiration and now that I’m learning how to live with these demons I completely lost my ability to create. I hate it because that used to be a part of me and now I feel like I don’t have anything. Im struggling mentally and emotionally and i dont have an outlet anymore. I feel like crying out of anger and frustration I feel like screaming and like always I’m holding everything in because thats all I know
× " For The Past Year I Have Felt Soo Alone... And Lost Sometime's I Feel Like The Event's Of My Life Were Never Supposed To Happen... But They Did Starting With My # Molestation At 14 Then #raped At 16... I Left Family At 18 And Got Married At 19 I Had A Baby And Lost Him.. To " Sudden Infant Death Syndrome " And Then The Losse's Of My Mother And Brother And Lastly The End Of My 17 Year's Of Marriage... I Truly Tryed My Best To Be The Best Wife To My Ex-Husband... But I Was Never Enough... And Not Up To The Standards Of His Sibling's... I Loved My Father In Law... My Mother In Law And I Budded Head's Constantly... Over My Ex... Now That I Didn't Understand I Have Alway's Felt Like A Was 3 In Our Realtionship... But Again I Don't Understand Men At All Anymore... My Marriage Felt Like A Chore.. TBH And Now I'm Deadset On Never Getting Re-Married Ever Again... I Tryed To Set Boundries And My Ex Didn't Listen To Me So I Needed To Walk Away... Thing's Were Never Going To Change With Him... His Priority Were His Mother...Brother And Women Co-worker's.. Which Is Messed Up... But I'm Glad I Walked Away From The Constant Being Ignored Like I Didn't Exist.. Now I Can't Even View Men In A Diffrent Way... Because I Feel Like I'm Going To Get Hurt Again... Used For My $ And My Kindness... " I'm Not Bashing Any Men Ok... These Are Just Feeling's And Thought's.. Not All Men Are Jerk's.. Yes I Get Hit On At Work And It Get's Boring Quickly Especially If It Older Men... Idk Why I Attract Those Type's.. And It Litterly Make's Me Want To Be Single For The Rest Of My Life.. Is There Something Worng With Me... Idk " × # Thought's#trustissue 's ☆S.K.☆
Not Gay Enough?
Today I participated in an online trivia game hosted by the honour society I'm a member of at my college. Being the progressive organization that we are, the theme was PRIDE Jeopardy. Several members identify as LGBTQ-PA . Also, many, actually all of them, are younger than me. As these trivia questions came rolling out, and the younger generation of forward thinking leaders answered quickly and accurately, I realized that there is a lot about the community that I've been a member of since 1999, that I don't know. With each wrong answer I submitted, I could feel the eyes of my fellow students roll with disappointment. I feel like a sham, a fake, a wolf in sheep's clothing, all because I don't know the current colours of each flag, or the proper terminology, or pronoun, or any of the myriad of important issues that relate to this community. And it's not that it doesn't matter to me. It does! It's not that I don't care. I do! But I just feel so out of the loop, behind the times, and honestly, a bit ostracised. I don't feel like I belong anymore...I fought so hard to find a community where I felt safe to be myself, to love whomever my heart chose, heck to love myself for once. But now I feel like an outsider, both looking in and looking out of the perverbial closet with no sense of support or communion from either side. I just want to be loved and accepted for who I am, not rejected for what I'm not. Isn't that what we all want? A place to belong? A place to feel safe? A place where we don't have to pretend anymore? And yet, here I am, feeling rejected like a traitor by the only community I've ever been able to identify with because I'm certainly not straight, but suddenly I'm not gay enough either. Where do I go now? Standing in the closet doorway - unwelcomed and uninvited....
Canadian here. I really don't know what to say other then I am so lonely for friendship. I haven't had a friend for 9 years. I also moved to a new city 9 years ago. I'm shy and I have mental health issues. Thankfully mental health is something we can talk about on here. I'd you'd like to talk with me, I would be happy to keep the conversation going.