For Those Who Don't Know They Are Depressed

You feel something is wrong deep within you, but can’t seem to put your finger on it.

You’re brought down to a whole new level of low, surrounded by feelings of insecurity and unworthiness. It surrounds you with darkness and throws you in a bottomless pit which sucks the energy and life out of you.

It feels like you’ve been robbed of everything you have to offer. It destroys everything good that comes your way. 

This feeling is something others don’t understand. They gradually just think you’re difficult to deal with and it’s impossible to get through to you. Over time, you convince yourself it’s also impossible for you to get through to them. 

All day long you are surrounded with unanswered questions of endless self-doubts. You try to go to sleep, sometimes forcing yourself to sleep, hoping tomorrow will be better. 

Tomorrow comes, and you can’t seem to find the motivation and energy to get out of bed. What you felt yesterday is back to haunt you again, and the moment you wake and you feel hopeless. 

Today you tell yourself, I’m going to try to get out of this pit, because you don’t wanna feel worse than you already did. You know you want to get out, but you can’t seem to find a way. You try to climb whatever step, stone or rock you can find in this pit, but you just can’t seem to climb out. You slip almost every step you take. 

These people just want to know themselves, they just want to find themselves again. Just like everyone who loves them and cares enough to find out what’s wrong with them, they themselves are desperately trying to find out what’s wrong with them. They have a lot of questions on their mind each day as they try to tackle and eliminate the possibility of each factor. It’s not science — they are desperately trying to make themselves happy. More often than not, to the point of exhausting themselves.

These people, who were maybe once positive and confident people, now find themselves lost, and it’s hard for them to accept it. Lost souls, that’s what they eventually become. They may have lost some self-awareness. They lost the confidence that once empowered them, and they blame themselves for becoming weak. 

Their world is surrounded by darkness, negativity and doubts. While they’re trying so hard to find out what’s going on with them, they try to put up a facade that they are OK.

They are not OK. They are not. But they do not know they are not OK. They try to be strong for themselves and for everyone around them. They try to push themselves to do normal activities when they don’t have the energy to. They try not to make everyone around them suffer. They try to make everyone around them happy instead. They try hard to conceal their pain. They try not to let everyone else worry about them. 

They are those who do not know they have become a victim of depression. They are those who suffered some form of trauma when they were young and thought they have healed in the process of growing up. They are those who may have suffered some form of anxiety. They are those who may have suffered heart palpitations, sweaty palms and body aches, but didn’t know what these symptoms meant. They are those who hide in a corner in a room and cry. They are those who cry into pillows afraid others will hear. They are those who blast their music up high no one can hear them cry. They are those who are afraid to tell someone they think they have a problem. They are also those who didn’t think to tell someone because they didn’t know they had a problem to begin with. They are those who have a problem with communicating their feelings. They are those who look up into the sky to find an answer. They are those who gave up their daily activities, the hobbies they used to love. They are those who feel life is not worth living. They are those who think they do not have much to offer to the world. They are those who try to protect everyone they love except themselves. They are those who can’t seem to smile even though they try. They are those who lost the desire to smile as they try desperately to cure themselves.

If only they knew they had depression, so they could find an avenue to healing. If only they knew they need to accept help to help themselves. They are those who really try the hardest. Without ever knowing it, they are heroes themselves. And the day they come out from their shells, the day they seek help, they are survivors.

No one will ever know and understand how much effort and pain they inflict on themselves just to find themselves. They pray for a guiding light each passing day. They pray they’ll find out what’s going on within themselves. They pray others will not see they are in pain. They pray for some kind of support. They pray their silent pleas will reach someone who understands. They pray for someone who can just reach into their heart and know exactly how they feel. They pray all the misery and pain will go away. They pray their questions and doubts can be answered.

Most importantly, they pray they find themselves again.

Follow this journey on The Underdog Web.

The Mighty is asking the following: What is a part of your or a loved one’s disease, disability or mental illness that no one is aware of? Why is it time to start talking about it? Check out our Submit a Story page for more about our submission guidelines.