MyAutismIsNotADisability

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I’m still alive. I mentioned how I was considering suicide without a plan to my therapist and she called the crisis team and ended up staying at a hospital for 3-4 days (which I really didn’t like). No one, including my therapist, saw coming about having to stay as the crisis team told me that if I didn’t like it there, I could leave.

That was a lie by the crisis team, intentionally or not intentionally so. However, my Dad explained to me why they say that anyway - they don’t know the individuals they are helping and want to help them incase they don’t go, they might end up hurting themselves more instead of getting the help that they need. Even my dad agreed that it helps most individuals, and that’s awesome, but there’s always that small percentage that will not work for them, and that includes me.

I, including my dad, all of my partners, and very likely my therapist as well, was so pissed that I had to stay there since Tuesday, and I left yesterday afternoon. All I got out of staying there was more anxiety, being more triggered, and medication (which I do hope does something, at least). I’m so glad that I moved up to another unit the day before I was discharged because I kept getting triggered by other patients’ outbursts that were happening everyday.

I was already done with suicidal thoughts a few hours after I got there the first day. I even scratched myself the second day (not in a suicidal way) because of how pissed off I was for not getting to leave that day me and my Dad wanted to (not in front of anyone or any camera, luckily, because I would hate to have to stay there even longer). I was grieving the life I had and felt like everything’s been stripped away from me. I wanted to see my dad again. I wanted my clothes back. I wanted my phone back. I wanted my polyamorous wedding ring back.

My dad knows everything that goes on with me. He knows what specific treatment I should be getting when it comes to therapy, and I always like talking to him about whatever is going on with me. He is very caring and understanding.

That hospital had good intentions, though. I understand that they couldn’t really do much about it because of laws (besides the doctor I had there making me leave early instead of 5-7 days, thank goodness for that), so I don’t blame them. But never again. I’m so happy I’m back home, and I’m so happy to see my dad again!! 🫂

#MentalHealth #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #SuicidalIdeation #Selfharm #Hospital #feelingbetter

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My laptop won’t turn on anymore. Everything starts up okay except that the screen is black. I REALLY hope that it’s just the battery…
JUST FUCKING WHY?! It was working JUST FUCKING FINE yesterday!!! I JUST HAD A GREAT DAY YESTERDAY, WHY DOES LIFE WANT TO HATE ON ME SO FUCKING MUCH?! GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!

I FEEL LIKE LIFE JUST WANTS ME FUCKING DEAD. I don’t know how FUCKING LONG I can take this pain. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t fucking know!

JUST LET ME HAVE A FUCKING GOOD DAY WITHOUT IT BEING HORRIBLE THE NEXT DAY, GOD DAMN IT! If that can’t happen, I should’ve ended my life sooner. I hate this fucking life. I hate everything (/not literally). Fuck everything!!

Maybe I should just fucking end my life already. I HAD IT!!

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #SuicidalIdeation #Grief #SuicidalThoughts #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #emotionaltrauma #Suicide

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Sometimes, I feel like I’m always in the same damn fate. How long can I tell myself that things will be okay? I don’t do it very often at all because of how much I don’t think it’ll be okay, but in this situation I’m in right now from the last post… how do I even believe that anymore?

Sometimes recently I have wondered if killing myself would be better for me so that I don’t have to deal with overstimulation, emotional trauma flashbacks, anxiety, or dysphoria any longer. I’m so sick of it, and I’m so done with it. Now, I’m wondering that again, but I’m not planning to. Just a thought.

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #Selfharm #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Trauma

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So I’ve finally moved in with my dad to get away from the traumatic experiences from living with my mom, and my sister and my sister’s kids who have moved out already.

One of the reasons I wanted to move out is to get away from the noise my nephews (especially the youngest one) were making which drove me crazy and get very overstimulated often… but here, we live on the first floor and for a while we’ve noticed that our walls suck. And guess what, a kid’s up there, too. Our neighbors upstairs noise is super noticeable, we can hear their footsteps good enough, even in the mornings. It doesn’t matter where we are in the apartment, we can still hear everything pretty well. And it’s annoying, especially when I’m still trying to sleep or even when going to sleep at times. And in the mornings, they’re one of the causes for negative thoughts, whether that’s in general or about my past, and I’m already ticked off for the morning.

I know that this is only temporary and are planning to move into a house next year, but this sucks. We never asked for this. I can’t go back to where I used to be and I refuse, I’m done with dealing with my mom’s overcompensation and just remembering that was where the continuation of emotional and some verbal trauma took place since 2014. I’m also terrified of hotels now because I had a misunderstanding on when to leave and a security guard threatened to call the police on me if I didn’t make it out in time, leaving me in tears and so much anger and felt like this city hated neurodivergent individuals or something!!

I tried noise canceling headphones, I’m trying earplugs (even really good ones!), I tried my white machine, but I’m still too sensitive to the noise and it still leaves me with negative thoughts in the mornings sometimes. And I was hoping to move into a place where I didn’t had to do that anymore!!

My dad said that he’ll try talking to the neighbors upstairs again, but I honestly don’t think there’s much that can be done, and I feel like I’m always talking to him about this every weekend. What if the neighbors upstairs just don’t care? And especially since summer break will be coming up for them, I’m scared… not to mention that I hate summer because of the freaking bugs that tend to overstimulate me as well if I’m outside for too long.

Is asking for peace and quiet so much to ask for?? It’s bringing me in tears.. /rhetorical question

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Trauma #emotionaltrauma #overstimulation #overstimulated #apartment #moving #OSTD