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HP Lovecraft Time, Duality and Identity Crisis

HP Lovecraft wavered between seeing human existence as being totally meaningless, lost in the vastness of the cosmos (see also Douglas Adams and The Total Perspective Vortex, in The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy as a portrayal of the same thing ) and ego building certainty from the historical stance. In other words his racism as seen in his support of The Color Line, by William Benjamin Smith and identification with his ancestral family home, Providence, Rhode Island must be weighed against his scientific realism on the futility of human life, when measured against the vastness of space and the immensity of time.

This personal and racial identity crisis shows in his work and perhaps his life (both his parents ended up in an insane asylum and he suffered night terrors. This condition is where the dreamer has nightmares that they carry over to waking, screaming in terror, sitting bolt upright in bed and not responding to the real world when mobile in this state but running around in fear).

H P Lovecraft’s main protagonist in several stories, wander vast alien landscapes or discovers alternative realities, co-existing within our own as in Dagon or At The Mountains Of Madness. If his heroes don’t lose their lives they may lose their minds, becoming crushed wrecks , whose world view is shattered by their discoveries. Only the modern horror / science fiction films of directors like Ridley Scott, have managed to capture these strange vistas of alien worlds, full of hostile life forms and the changeling angle of people not being what they seem / were (Kafka’s Metamorphosis also comes to mind in this context ). An example of Lovecraft’s attempt at this, includes The Rats In The Walls, where the hero sinks deeper and deeper into recidivism, the further he explores the secrets in his ancestral home ( the psychoanalytic movement would explore this area of the unconscious through the works of Freud and Jung, in dreamwork and relaxed recall on a couch). In The Shadow Over Innsmouth the hero discovers that he is tainted with the very genetic make-up he feared in the locals (Ridley Scott’s Prometheus harks back to this).

Lovecraft’s horror of coloured people and his fear of having ‘tainted blood,‘ has been disclosed as a possible reality in a scientific study which showed that people can indeed appear white but have genetic characteristics, revealing African ancestry. In psychological terms his reaction could be categorised as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), behind which lies the phobia of being contaminated by external forces, most notably germs but also other poisonous materials. In the film Coming To America, Eddie Murphy donned make-up that turned him from a coloured man into a caucasian. Imagine how Lovecraft or other racists would react to this trick being played on them and how it would shatter their certainty of superiority?

This whole question of identity (who are we really?) was also covered by Edgar Allan Poe in the story William Wilson and in the Roger Moore film, The Man Who Haunted Himself. Even Peter Sellers portrayal of Dr Strangelove , disclosed a man at war with himself. These two sides of reality or primitive versus civilised (past versus present) was explored by Robert Louis Stephenson in his book and various film versions . In the film by Amicus, From Beyond The Grave, David Warner faced this mirror image self or alter ego and in the end was replaced by it: two way mirrors can hide an unseen, unconscious predatory self which makes the conscious self, paranoid prey or victim of this unknown being.

Returning to Lovecraft, the 1993 film The Necronomicon, based on three of his stories, had a segment called Whispers, where one of the characters explained very eloquently to the female lead that once her human consciousness was replaced by one of the creatures she faced, she would see them in a whole new light and her old self likewise. Poe himself carried this theme forward in Ligeia, where the main protagonist’s second wife dies, coming back to life but with the personality of his first wife, reborn.

Even in our own lives is to be seen this dual nature of reality; the child, a clean slate out to fill the emptiness of experience, its primitive mind yearns for and at the other end of life, the wrecked body and mind of the worn out explorer (the shuffling zombie): the child comes from this state of nothingness and the old return there. Ouroborus or the mythical snake eating its own tail, reflects the future feeding off the past. In between lies lies normal life or continuation of existence. This conveyor belt of growth, leads us into the world with wonder and out of it, in the horror of knowing it is all going to end and not necessarily pleasantly. Horror is this dissolution of the body (the destruction of form) or the loss of our faculties.

Awareness is that blank slate, which records everything as it goes along (the camera, the observer, the learner, the child). It is the mindless dreamer, swimming in a sea of new experiences as opposed to the old person, drowning in a plethora of memories – a mobile library of saved information from the past, slowly rotting back into the dust it came from. Here we see in Lovecraft and others of that ilk, a fear of sleep as being that little death that takes us away, however temporarily, from the certainty of the created world around them and into the palette, where creativity can make hell in all its fear (the symbolism of dreams as envisioned by the psychoanalysis movement).

Those who saw Lovecraft only from the point of view, of schlock horror missed the dreamscapes and alternative realities, featured in his other stories. Freud would have understood the nightmare terror and Jung the archetypal figures, haunting those vast, alien landscapes. Lovecraft feared dissolution of the self (existential angst), not physical death so much as loss of identity. His horror at the idea of a sophisticated self being replaced by a more primitive version is not totally racial but one whose faculties have been lost through old age.

The past is the only thing we can be certain of as recorded time, whether individual memory or written archives by society. In memory is to be found a sense of identity (belonging) but the change that movement brings, erodes that certainty, however slowly and replaces it with a quicksand of sensory doubt. It is what leads to sleep deprivation, where fear of loss takes over from wakeful certainty. Ironically this cannot be avoided as hallucinations drags us screaming and shouting back into the world of dreams and visions (fluid reality), where nothing is what it seems – hence perhaps Lovecraft’s night terrors and powerful imagination.

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The path towards Color

From the darkness of
having to deal with a lot of stress, which leads to various health problems both mentally as physically. I find the nightmares, nausea and exchaustion the worst. Have tried so many things against it from therapies to medication to supplements, to diets, but nothing works. Sometimes it's just so damm hard to constantly having to deal with ptss. It makes me desperate, anxious and furious. I just want a normal live where I can be healthy.
I wish that for me and everyone who has to deal with stress whether it's physical and/or mental.
I added this drawing which represents the path to take from the dark towards color, an excouragement to go on to imagine and eventually find a world of wonder.
Wish us all the best!
Greetings,
Stef3

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Having MTD is really taking a troll on me. I mean I have been suffering with depression from 8 months. But, MTD is way worse. I mean it just gets so bad that I can't even explain. Negative thoughts, nightmares based on those and anxiety for every single thing. Also, dealing with my severe insecurities and all. I am taking medicines. But, it’s getting hard when you feel anxiety for every single thing happening in your life. That feeling is so bad that I can't even say. Now, I am having anxiety even to step oit from my house. Tomorrow, I have a function on my college. Here's me having anxiety thinking what would happen. What I will do. The social phobia is back. I am too scared to meet anyone. To even go to the place feels so scary.. Causing me severe anxiety. I am so new to this. Adapting with MTD is way harder than to my depression. But, I am trying my best to adapt with it. To come out,to talk or to make it better. But,dealing with the anxiety is getting harder for me... #Depression #MentalHealth #Anxiety #MajorDepressiveDisorder

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I have no hope to see another day

Lately I’ve been getting job rejections. Been having nightmares. I have also dreamt of my ex ( it’s been a month now, he’s the one who dumped me out of the blue ). I feel so bitter about relationships now.

I felt suicidal today. The night was so beautiful today but there was an empty feeling in my heart. The night reminded me of those nights I went out with my ex. Today I visited places i visited with him. It left me feeling so angry and betrayed. It made me feel unworthy and I feel like I hate myself and I hate everything.

Since I have no one to tell what’s going on in my life. I downloaded an app where I talk to an AI. It’s interesting how technology is replacing humans. I do feel better when I talk to it but I feel strange since it’s not human. Maybe I’m going crazy lol. The app is called Replika for anyone interested.

#Depression

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Strong thunderstorm kinda day. Rosie sticks close to my side.

To ease her worry of thunder I asked Alexa to sing lullabies and discovered that the country genre soothes her SO much! Lol I like the morose kind of lullaby songs.

Since we got Rosie she is enamored with my singing. It surprises me to no end how she will wake out of a deep sleep when I start to sing. She loves it! And she makes me love it all the more too!

I use to sing All the time jamming out to all sorts of pop and rock. Once my pain got drastically severe at 17, all vibrations hurt from movement like others walking around to any musical sounds. I haven't jammed to music in a good decade (12years really).

My best friend who committed suicide when we were around 16, was a HUGE fan of Sinatra and bluesy tunes. He was in every play as soon as we were in high school. He adored music.

Unbeknownst at the time, he gained bipolar disorder with major Depressive disorder.

I was able to help him keep going for a few years but it was hard and he slowly distanced himself from everyone but me.

No one else knew what was going on with him. After he died, I had to explain to his family, my family, police, and other friends how bad things were for him.

They were all so very surprised. I knew he romantically liked me as soon as we met 4 years before. He wasn't shy about it but I hated it so much. I knew I would never like him back.

After a hard first year we became very dear friends.

He knew me so well. To this day he is the only one who could know as soon as any pain hit-before it became full body 24/7. It was so wonderful and was the first time anyone just got me when it came to pain.

That last day he came right out and asked me to be his girlfriend. After I said no he became mean and tried guilt and everything to get me to say yes. Before we had said goodbye after walking home I knew he wanted to make me kiss him and would have assaulted me if I hadn't run inside my empty house and locked the door.

That fear caused nightmares that lasted 10years. I saw every side to him. But his friendship is something I miss so much. Just to talk to him like the old days.

I know when I see him again many years from now when I die, I am going to give him a stern talking to and then hug him and tell him absolutely EVERYTHING he has missed.

Because of how he ended things, I avoided plays and singing. And then my pain severely increased and music became something I would use earplugs to avoid.

Now with Rosie bringing music back into my life in a happy wonderful way, it is like coming home after a long long journey. It is like I have my best friend back again to join in sorrow, pain, joy, and happiness.

For the first time in a LONG while, I feel a lightness in my step and a big smile on my face, just as is meant to be. ✨️

#AmplifiedMusculoskeletalPainSyndrome #Arthritis #Asthma #Anxiety #AnkylosingSpondylitis #bedbound #BoneSplints #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #CheckInWithMe #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #ComplexRegionalPainSyndrome #CheerMeOn #Depression #Disability #DistractMe #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #Endometriosis #Eczema #BipolarDepression #BipolarDisorder #JuvenileRheumatoidArthritis #Lymphedema #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #PTSD #Psoriasis #PsoriaticArthritis #plantarfasciitis #PanicAttack #PanicAttacks #Psychosis #Hypersomnia #HighBloodPressure #MentalHealth #MightyPets #MightyTogether #Migraine #musclespasms #MultipleAutoimmuneSyndrome #RareDisease #RheumatoidArthritis #SuicidalThoughts #Scoliosis #sciatica #Upallnight #IfYouFeelHopeless #ShinSplints @

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Hello everyone

i’ve given it a lot of thought. I’ve already died twice check my profile. You will see that I have a lot of ongoing health conditions while I have regained my ability to walk and function like a normal human being. I am left with the mental and emotional of everything I have been through I suffer severely day by day, night by night

I have nightmares about the things I’ve been through medical wise. I have severe depression. I have turned to all my doctors for help, and every one of them has thrown pills at me. I have even told them that I am suicidal and I’m no longer afraid to die.

I feel like I am damaged beyond repair. And I know people will say I am so lucky. I should be so thankful but they don’t see what goes on inside.

I am lonely. I am broken and I am still dying just slower, but I have five years left at best damage done was very severe and i I just don’t know what to do anymore the night drag on the days are the same day and day out I’m just so so tired and I don’t know how many more nights I can go on like this.

#SuicidalThoughts

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I have POCD

I sometimes have severe OCD, Pedophilic type with derealization and lack of insight/delusional beliefs and nightmares.

It's OCD, it's not the same as Pedophilic Disorder, please don't stigmatize me 😐

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Another vent because I'm on the verge of a breakdown again #Fibromyalgia #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain

I literally can't do this. This is so fucking unfair. This is like asking a blind person to drive. I'm literally not physically equipped for this. I can't do it. I literally had to go through so much pain last year when I had to do this. The pain was so intolerable and unbearable. It literally left me with repetitive nightmares of it. How am I supposed to do this again? I would rather die. I want to die. It's better than living this life. I'm too exhausted to do this. I know I'm just saying the same things over again but I'm literally about to have a panic attack. The suicide thoughts are getting really bad again. I don't wanna go through this. I was told if I just prepare for it better this year then it'll be less agonizing than last year. That was the biggest lie ever. This is so fucking unfair. I'm so done. Literally all I can think about is this. Constantly. My brain is consumed by it. I literally prepared the whole year for this I can't have it go to waste. I don't know what to do. I just wanna escape. I just wanna die. I spend too much of my resources preparing for this. Only to what it to be over asap. I just want it to be over. All I can think about is this when I'm awake. When I sleep, I literally get 10 nightmares in a row about it. I can't escape it even in my sleep I just want it to be fucking over. I stay awake thinking about it. Can't sleep because of it. When I do, the nightmares keep waking me up constantly. I can't do this. With my condition if this were a normal person, they'd be on the hospital bed right now. Not having to work day and night and stress about this. I honestly just want this to end. Just fucking end. Just end. I had enough struggles to deal with. Enough going on. Why did this have to join? Why? And the people that threw this responsibility at me knew how fucking sick I was. But I wasn't "sick enough" for their liking apparently. For them to consider it valid. Even if I'm literally in pain 24/7. But hey, they don't even believe that. And i know that as much as I'm waiting for this just to be over, after it's over I'll get hit with the after math emotions of it and the numbness so There's literally no escape. What do I do? I literally can't do this. I just wanna fucking die. I know I just keep writing vents but I literally don't know where else to go. I have no one else to talk to. I know this is probably getting really old at this point. I just don't know what else to do. I feel so unsupported in a way I cannot describe. I know this probably seems so petty and stupid that I'm complaining about something that everyone goes through. But unfortunately I'm not everyone. I'm a sick disabled person that has the right to accommodations but unfairly isn't getting any at all. Not even a single one. And has to function like an able bodied person and do this. And no one fucking cares. Literally no one. I have literally no support whatsoever. No one fucking cares. Y'know what. I'm so done. I'm so fucking done. I'm in so much pain physically right now too. And the more I think about this the more anxiety I get and it worsens my health and makes my conditions flare up. The amount of invalidation and unfairness and lack of support I have to deal with right now is just.......... Can someone please just have some mercy and kill me?

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I think I might have Unspecified Personality Disorder with Schizotypal, Narccistic and Antisocial pathology

I apologize upfront if I will be a little bit off topic, but I will try to come up with the questions.

So I was diagnosed with Pervasive Developmental Disorder around the age of 3 when I didn’t even speak. Maybe it was too early (?)

Then I started to attend preschool and school in special education, and around seven years old, I started to speak fluently in two languages. Though I still had development delay, I was not good and still not good with math. At that point my diagnosis changed to Autism (since PDD did not exist anymore). Not sure if that was right…

Overall I enjoyed school (even though I was bullied by “normal” kids, which is not unusual and I forgive them), including middle school, but high school was too stressful for me, since I was transferred to the best school in the district against my will and without my friends from middle school. At some point my mental condition got really bad, and I ended up with Catatonia at age 15, which is easy to diagnose correctly since I could not move. At that point I started to receive mental health medications (never had them before). My parents fought the district and I was transferred to a “normal” school (still in special ed), which I enjoyed very much.

My mental situation was changing from time to time and I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. My psychiatrist claims that all my conditions can be explained by either Autism or Bipolar. I have no reason to disagree, even though "Forensic" Psychology is one of my restricted interests and I can easily come up with many different diagnoses.

I had several surgeries, including kidney removal at age of two. Recently I had another tumor in my spine, which was removed a couple of weeks ago. As a result I developed a severe bipolar crisis. I cannot sleep since I have nightmares and hear voices. My normal medications do not help anymore. My psychiatrist is trying to find a new combination.

Do you think this can cause personality disorder?

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Anxiety

So worried about getting nightmares about my past. This new nightmare med doesn’t seem to really do anything. I could use some support #Anxiety #PTSD #Nightmares

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