Part 1 of 2 It’s been 24 long challenging months. I’ve grown and declined at the same time. I’ve grown because I’ve learned never to take a minute form granted. I learned how fast just 1 minute can really change your life. I’ve cut people out of my life who don’t deserve my care and love. I’ve opened my heart more to those that cherish the care and love I have with them. I’ve learned to not always let things get to me. I learned to love myself a touch more and to take care of myself more than I have ever in 28 years. I even learned how to talk about my feelings and my mental health. I rarely but occasionally will ask for help to make it through the day.
I’ve declined because I’ve gone down a dark hole. I’ve lost myself more times then I can count. I’ve cried and wished I was with you. I’ve said things to the people I care about most out of anger. I’ve been “feisty” as my coworkers say when I’m depressed and think about you. I stopped caring about myself, my physical and mental health because I figured what’s the point. I let my mental health take a toll and the anxiety and depression break me down to nothing. I still haven’t picked up all the broken pieces of my heart that shattered the day you went away. I deny the comfort I some days need because it’s just to hard to get through the day. I still blame myself and play the “what if” games in my head if you didn’t fall and decline. I can’t change it now but that breaks me every time I start playing that game.
There are so many emotions. During certain times of the year I miss you more than you know. The holidays, your birthday, my birthday and the hardest of all is the day you were called to heaven. There are days where I think and think without stopping and wondering what you’d saying to me. Your advice, compliments, knowledge and just your voice would comfort me. Every time I get a migraine I can picture you saying, “Amanda get some rest and feel better.” I think back to the days when they first started and you’d always get me a cold wash-clothe then rub my head until I fell asleep.
730 days have gone by dad and every single one of those days I’ve thought about you, wether a lot or just picturing your smile, your always on my mind. All the days I could have used your advice and guidance to help me continue in the right direction. I’d do anything just to hear your input on everything.
I don’t know how the rest of my life will be without you by my side. I know deep down that you’re always around but not physically seeing or hearing you eats me alive. The saying goes that time heals all wounds but this one will never heal. It’s the greatest loss I’ve ever endured and I wish I didn’t have to. I look at your writing that says “love you” every day on my arm and I could see and hear you saying it. I hear your voice clear as day. I prayed and cried for weeks after you left to wake up from the nightmare of not having you here. I had nightmares of your last moments which I wish you never ever had to endure, from the pain and everything else, I still sit here and wish I could have changed how it all went for you. I still cry and I know you’d be telling me that everything will be alright, but the fact of the matter is, it will never be alright. There will always be a hole in my heart for you and pieces that shattered that will never be put back together.
The rest of my life has changed and I don’t know how to handle it. We were both supposed to have so many more memories, laughs, hugs and time together. You were supposed to be a grandparent eventually, you were supposed to have more birthday gifts, more Christmas decorating which you loved and just so much more. You left me way too soon. I know neither of us were ready to part our ways. I don’t take it for granted though that I got 13 extra months with you. From the moment you were told you had 6 months with chemotherapy, you fought like hell and made it 13 months. Every day we spent together was fun, as we always had, but I wish it was longer.
Some days I envy the way people don’t appreciate their dads because I’d do anything in this world to have you. Some people don’t care about them and others don’t talk to them and some even take them for granted. I hate it! I’m jealous of them for being able to still have time with their dads and I don’t have that time anymore. It’s not fair. Why do I have to suffer like this when there are others who don’t even care? It gets to me every time.
I will always think of you every day wether it’s a big or small thought, a smile that comes across my face, a flash back to a memory or just hearing your name. You mean more than the world to me still and that will never change. I will have my good and bad days but try to have more good than bad for you. I promise to do better on taking care of myself both physically and mentally for you because you’d want me to do tha