Nightmares

Hi, I'm new to the mighty, just thought it'd be cool to talk some things out online. I've kind of always pushed this out of my mind, but more recently I've been trying to work through it. So, when I was like six, I was raped by a woman. (I'm female). A lot of people are going to think this is not possible, but yes, according to my state's laws, it was rape. It was a horrible experience, don't want to go into it too much, but flash forward a few years I was molested. This time it was someone who was only a few years older than me, so again this also feels really invalid. ANYWAY, no one, I mean NO ONE knows about this, I don't plan on telling anyone. But I've been having issues that are related to the experiences. I've been dissociating since I was around twelve, it always has really scared me, you know the drill. I have flashbacks to both experiences on a regular basis, I feel like I'm being held down and raped in real time. I'm a really internalized person, so I don't think it's really visible to other people when I'm in the past, but it's pretty bad. This week I had a flashback at work in front of a co-worker, and I almost started crying and he noticed I was upset. It was embarrassing but he was really sweet and made sure I was ok. I also have nightmares, not about exactly what happened, but like it's people I trust who are doing bad things to me like what happened when I was a kid. I have these huge emotion attacks (idk if that's a thing), when the air smells like it did in that situation, or like I see something that reminds me of it. I get really sad and upset and feel REALLY physically bad. I've also never been physically attracted to anyone, not even a little crush. And, I wouldn't say I have low self-esteem, because I usually don't mind my own company, but I'm just resigned to the fact that no one is going to ever really like me because I'm annoying and weird. I've never really had female friends that I trusted at all, they scare me, so I only hang out with guys at this point. I dress down and try not to look pretty or wear makeup, and I can't bring myself to wear feminine clothes, even though I sometimes want to. All this to say, I never considered that I might have something along the lines of PTSD, but a good friend of mine has it and she has a lot of the same traits as me and idk, but my research has led me to the conclusion that it could be a possibility. Just thought I'd ask people with PTSD about their opinion.

> I had a really good childhood other than those things, so I feel like I'm overreacting about this stuff, but it really is painful and scary, and it's been too many years for this to still be affecting me.

>When I think about it too much it feels almost ok and normal and "not that bad", but I don't want it to feel like that because I don't want to be in a bad situation in the future.

>I'm sorry if this sounds like trauma bragging or something like that, I don't mean to be one of those poor traumatized girls who whines about all my problems, I just wanted to know if this could be something like PTSD.

>I can't go to therapy, due to finances and circumstances, so it isn't really an option. I'm hoping that in a few years it'll be possible, but whatever.

>I'm really really sorry for going on like that, if you read the whole thing I have deep respect for you.

>Thanks

Fingernails scraping at coffin walls

Clawing

Breathless

Trying to tell someone I’m still down here

Liquor burning my throat

Numbing the body for the morgue

For when they tear me apart

Tears of blood spill

When I’m worrying alone

A thin string in the dark

I follow it

It leads me off a cliff

Choices that feel holy

Turn out to be the Devil’s whispers

I say I’m okay

But I don’t know what okay means

Smiling while everything feels wrong

Crying when everything is fine

Feeding on chaos

Wondering why it’s always taken away

Life in my hands

Mind floating somewhere above the clouds

Lullabies drift through the air

But they’re sirens by the pond

Pleasant dreams fracture into nightmares

The succubus touches me

The sun disappears

Night cascades over

And my home is revealed

I see the future

My carcass rotting

Vultures tearing at it

Drowning in regret

Wishing to vanish

But death won’t take me

They always send me back

Hi, my name is RustyHam. I [M24] have had a past memory that has come back up of my older brother [M27], SAing me. At the time of the memory I was roughly 5-7 years old, but it is difficult for me to find an exact time frame, all I know is that I was too young to understand what was happening. All I recall is that I was coerced into giving him oral. I do not remember what happened before or after, all I recall is that we were in our shared bathroom, with one of us getting ready to shower.
This memory has popped up in my mind throughout the years, but I never really thought about it and assumed it was just a disturbing dream or something I had made up. Recently, I also realized that I had been SA'd in one of my past relationships, which inevitably caused me to fixate on this memory that is now haunting me. I haven't told anyone about this memory and I feel like I am losing my mind. I can't tell if it was some messed up dream or a traumatic experience that my body is trying to reject or disassociate from. For over 10 years I have had vivid, reoccurring nightmares and constantly have intense sleep sweats that drench my bed. Is this my body trying to tell me something about this experience?
My brother is also getting married at the end of this year and asked me to be a groomsman. I do love my brother and want to be apart of this special occasion, but I this memory has made me reluctant to even be apart of it. I do not plan on telling anyone in my family soon as I fear that no one would believe me or that I may be seen as crazy. Seeing pictures of him or even thinking about the memory has brought anxiety attacks and caused me to break down crying.
I am not sure how to digest this memory and how to approach it further without damaging any relationships. This memory heavily affects me but I oftentimes tell myself that I am lying, made it up, or dreamt of it. I feel like I am losing it and I fear that this may affect me in the long run. How do I begin to heal from this even though I am not sure if it happened or not?

#MightyTogether #Anxiety #Depression #Trauma

Have been taking prazosin because not able to stay asleep, nightmares, and flashbacks. The panic and wake ups decreases but I still waking up early morning feeling very awake for couple hours before waking time. Does anyone have experiences of taking prazosin?

#Prazosin #Nightmares #PTSD #Insomnia

I will also keep posting on here, doing free online courses in mental health and psychology and exercising from home while I figure out the new caregiver plan. Oh and watching my youngest brother play sports in the backyard and do legos. Just wish we didn’t have to fight epic food and chore battles with him and my 14 year old sister because they have always been like that, but mom doesn’t want to put them in thepay because she has had nightmares about taking me to all of them when I was growing up because I was a very smart little girl in a wheelchair and a walker but they ignored my emotional outbursts and frequent complaints that my body was burning up with anxiety and unwanted thoughts. I really wished they would have listened because maybe I would have been able to function better. That’s why I wasn’t diagnosed with Autism and ADHD until I was 24 even though everyone knew that I had suffered massive brain bleeds when I was born because of a lack of oxygen to my brain and diagnosed with cerebral palsy shortly after birth.

I am feeling uncomfortable and unsafe this morning. While I was trying to go to sleep last night, I felt extremely uncomfortable in my own skin. My body didn’t feel like it belonged to me anymore. I felt someone else’s hands on me. I felt like I was in my 4 year old body again, and I felt disgusting. My weighted blanket didn’t help, my stuffed animals didn’t help, and my music playlist didn’t help. I eventually fell asleep, and I had night terrors all night. I woke up sweating, crying, screaming and I wet the bed also. This happens periodically through my life. I am currently 24, and the nightmares followed with bed wetting started when I was about 6 years old. It’s not near as often, but it does still happen. I would say it happens probably once every few months since I was 6

At night, the world changed.

The sun would set, and with it, any sense of safety I had managed to gather during the day would fade. I remember the way the darkness seemed to settle in my chest before it filled the room. I knew what was coming. I always knew.

I was just a child, but I learned how to lie with my face. I smiled at breakfast. I made my bed. I got good grades. I played the part. But my body held the truth. It remembered the silence, the weight, the fear that crept in after everyone else had gone to sleep.

No one noticed. Or maybe they did and chose not to ask. I became very good at disappearing while standing right in front of people.

I tried to pray it away. I thought if I were good enough, faithful enough, obedient enough, it would stop. I read scriptures under my blanket. I begged God to make it end. But the nights kept coming.

And then one day, they didn’t.

Eventually, life changed. I grew older, moved away, and tried to forget. I built walls so high I couldn’t hear myself think. For a while, I believed I was fine. Strong, even. But the body doesn’t forget. It speaks in panic attacks, nightmares, sudden tears, numbness. I didn’t understand at first. I only knew I was tired in a way sleep couldn’t fix.

It took years before I could even begin to say it aloud—to name what happened without shrinking under the weight of shame. In therapy, I learned to sit with the girl I used to be. I told her I believed her. That it wasn’t her fault. That she didn’t do anything wrong.

The truth didn’t break me. Hiding it did.

Now, when the lights go out, I am no longer afraid of the dark. It’s taken time, and work, and softness I never thought I deserved. But I am healing. I am here. And every day I reclaim a little more of the peace that was stolen.

I don’t need to whisper anymore.

What happened to me matters.

And I am finally learning that I do too.