As an adult I suspected myself being autistic for a long time. Since I haven't been tested I couldn't officially say that I have autism. I was exploring myself and looking at my behaviour. Later I recognised several things which were obvious from my childhood - some by myself and some with my psychotherapist.
There was a moment last year when I decided I will pay testing, all protocol etc. When I mentioned all of that to my ex-psychiatrist the torture began. She often made me feel guilty, she would say "Your parents would notice if something was wrong" -well they wouldn't as they abused me whole my life and that's just stupid conclusion to be light in description... and "Poor kids, they must wait to be tested while you pay it and get tested. It's modern to have an autism nowadays." She also once talked about me, before me, with only me and her in her office like "some people cannot accept they have a personality disorder so they try to find other diagnosis".
She was repeatedly talking like that to me that every next appointment felt like an end of the world. I felt awful, guilty and ashamed. I was afraid and anxious of what is next that she is gonna tell me. I was and I am powerless when she is involved in my "healing" but I changed psychiatrist for differential diagnosis and she didn't want to even read my several pages result of autism tests, she was implying that I bought a diagnosis. How dare she?
Only thing that relieved me was that by the law I can't have two psychiatrists and I was freed from her. Even though time passed since she abused me for months and later for several weeks on psych ward I still have her in my nightmares, I developed medical trauma.
I don't trust doctors who never abused me or guilt tripped me anymore. I always expect the same treatment like hers. Words hurt more that being physically beaten and leave marks on mental and emotional health.
In Croatia only children up to 18yo can have free testing for autism. Adults need to pay. My intention was to get answers not benefits because my life with autism is everything except being trendy cool disorder as psychiatrist implied. I payed testing from my money from my then job. She asked so many questions and yes I had answers. Yes I advised with one person about testing from Faculty of Education and Rehabilitation Sciences. I did their screening test and other more detailed screening test from psychologist who has many years of experience and who did tests.
But in the end that wasn't important. That psychiatrist helped me with her behaving and abuse to develop medical trauma. Besides that I was abused in every official possible form though my life and she was like a cherry on top of my trauma 9 layer cake.
When she asked me about genetical testing I said I did it in public hospital because it was totally valid by my pharmacologist and that isn't valid test for her. She questioned my other genetical testing which payed Croatin Health Insurance Fund based on conclusion of genetics and metabolics diseases doctor commission. But yet that was also something she didn't get.
In many ways she abused patients on psych ward which I witnessed and other told me some things. I was retraumatised from domestic violence so my cPTSD and anorexia went out of control for zillionth time so I ended up on psych ward and again she was treating me. It's like a curse because she will always treat you in mental hospital on closed ward if she was your doctor at first admission. She would scream at patients to stop thinking about traumatic memories immediately after she activated their traumatic memories by direct and intentional questions, she would scream at girl because she was having panic attack and more she screamed the girl cried more. That doctor would scream at me, threaten me and in my 40 day hospital stay she only once speak to me like a human, let's say it wasn't screaming and threatening involved.
She never ever took my valid autism diagnosis confirmed by my current psychiatrist in list of my diagnoses, nurses would push me to dining hall to eat but I couldn't, they tortured me in one way that I felt so ashamed. I hated every day spent in that hospital. Once in morning visit after psychiatrist had one of her anger episodes towards me I then yelled at her "do you know what is it to have anorexia for 20 years?" while she was leaving my room being so ignorant and egoistic. I hated sound of her walk through the ward. I would panic every time or dissociate.
Whenever she felt powerless she would scream and threaten, her humanity doesn't exist. She would show her egoisitc manners towards most of her patients. We couldn't make a report about her because she would be the first one who would read it and probably punish us all patients who made valid complaints.
I remember every morning in her visitations that I would tremble, I would be on edge of panic attack, she thought that she is punishing me with NG tube and said "have you ever had a tube? Was it nice?" Like... She felt so powerless when she couldn't force someone to something and then punishment goes often by words, prohibiting things, insulting etc.
No matter which degree you have you can be a doctor or whatever but if you're narcissistic and abusive and in addition when you can't force psych patient to change or force others to do what you want then your place isn't to work with people. You should be moved to job where you can't hurt anyone and abuse them. In the end that is breaking the law. I have angriness towards her and what she did to me and how her "treatment" caused medical trauma in my life.
She can't stand others having different opinion than her. She will brush off diagnoses if that's not what she thinks even if it is confirmed by psychiatrist and totally valid. She lied in my medical paper when I was leaving hospital that in last appointment I was okay. That's not true because I was talking about terror of being again back to my parents due my arm injury and eventual loss of job and apartment. I was getting more panic with them because I grew up in domestic violence which never ended and my cPTSD was worse. In that previous record she wrote some things that I'm doing worse... but now I have her lies on paper, black on white. Those who lie make mistakes because they can't remember everything they lied so yeah you betray your fake mess.
I was completely sure she will give me a diagnosis of personality disorder which showed true but she crossed several things in law about persons with mental illnesses. She gave me diagnosis of emotionally unstable personality which I most surely don't have based on my current psychiatrist and she did it without continuous monitoring me through months without any valid reason. I even asked her for re-evaluation but she didn't want that. She isn't educaded about newest scientific proofs and findings in medicine because she is the smartest and she knows everything, she can't be wrong. I was treated for depression but I came for my cPTSD. She conditioned me that we can talk if I start eating. Even though I did start eating she never talked with me properly and never worked on my problems of PTSD.
She betrayed her role as medical doctor and psychiatrist firstly and betrayed her patients which majority of them went through abuse and don't need abuse from someone who's supposed to help them and be gentle. Hospitals should be safe places but this is nightmare. In the end I forced myself to behave exactly as she wants just to let me go because I couldn't stand that "treatment". Mentally I was buried and I came already dead-that's simmilar to what I said one of the nurses on ward. She looked at me like and said nothing. Nurses are another story of not helping and showing humanity, most of them working on that ward. You can die and they wouldn't know because they mostly just sit in their room, smoke and laugh and drink coffee. For most of them accountability is non identified subject. #psychabuse
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