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February 21th, 2024 Review

I honestly don’t remember much of what happened today, but I unfortunately keep having nightmares and some minor flashbacks of traumatic events.
I’m wondering if anyone has any tips on dealing with them?
Falling asleep is usually not the issue recently but it’s about what happens in my sleep, what I dream about is the issue. It could be unresolved trauma but this trauma doesn’t seem resolvable.
At least not in the since it will leave me, I’m not sure how to heal from it when it makes it really hard to open up to others about it.
#MentalHealth #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder

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#anyoneup ?

Hi Friends, it's 2:00a.m. (mst) in Canada, I am 565 days sober and I have these horrible vivid dreams, nightmares even about using or that I've used. They are so realistic, they disturb me to me my core. I wake up in a sweat and check everything out making sure I'm ok. Can addiction leave in life in such a state? Anyone else having a tough time sleeping tonight? Thinking of you. I'll roll over...and try try again ....take care ❤️

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What did I do?

Another night of nightmares. motional flashbacks. Panic attacks in my sleep. Just spent another hour walking the house in circles in the dark.

Sadly, the question that kept coming up while exfoliating my mind in my panic/meditation walk was 'what did I do?'.

We all have asked that question over and over again. Why did this happen to me? Tonight I found myself asking this question again. Not in anger. Not in rage. Not with my entire insides threatening to fall out. This time it's much more calm. It's knowing the answer but still having to ask the question. Nothing. I did nothing that caused me to have a lifetime of nightmares and living nightmares. I wasn't born under an unlucky star. I'm not paying for sins of another or my own in another lifetime. I came to be in a family of two mentally ill parents. Who passed their sickness onto their children. Who all passed their sickness onto me unrelenting day after day after day. I've paid for that unrelentingly my entire life.

I guess my point here is to figure, once more, that it is important to ask 'what did I do' over and over again. As many times as it takes to understand that we did nothing to deserve this. Not the horrors of the trauma, abuse and neglect and not the years and decades of what these things did to us.

I feel so bad so often about my failure to connect to others. The fear, the loathing of the fear, the looking at other people's eyes and seeing the distaste, the listening to the words and their distaste. I know at least some of its my BPD. I have always lacked social skills. It's the affect of the trauma, abuse and neglect.

The answer to that question includes that it wasn't my fault. I have 58 years trauma, abuse and neglect. 58 years of pain, suffering, nightmares, panic attacks, flashbacks, triggers, etc... that I struggled heroically against trying to make a semblance of my life. I think that I just don't deserve respect for being survivor. I deserve to be me. With all my flaws that aren't my fault. I did nothing to deserve my nightmare of a childhood. Or the life that came from it. I have struggled at my utmost capacity just trying to pretend a semblance of normalcy. It wasn't my fault. I didn't deserve it or any of this.

Once more, going through this process.


10 reactions 6 comments

Despair has come again

Despite being very close to graduating from an IOP again, my depression has come back and worse it’s come back with despair. I’m dealing with an addiction and I went to my first recovery meeting this week and on top of that I have a physical health condition that’s making everything worse (I will be going to the doctor soon for it though). It started with the physical condition but then as I gathered up the courage to go to this recovery meeting, I became inundated with shame. Shame about how far I’ve spiraled… shame about the things I have done. On top of that is anger, anger because I was taught this addiction growing up. By taught I mean, I was openly exposed to it and it changed me. Despite my first recovery meeting this year being successful and my desire to continue to go being present, I feel alone. I can’t talk to anyone at home about it. My depression tells me that I’m “worthless, unlovable, a loser,” you get the idea. I want to cry everyday and my severe PTSD nightmares have come back.. again. All of this has been caused by trauma, so I need to deal with it. But I don’t think I’ll be able to get through it without crying every single day. I guess I’m gonna have to do that then. Thank you for reading this. Just writing this out makes me feel better. #PTSD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDepression

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Is it normal to have flashbacks from the past.. I don’t know sometimes i keep getting it.. Yeah.. It’s from the time when i was struggling with this and the painful thing is that i was new to this and that time i had a terrible urge to harm myself.. Times when i used to hate and blame myself.. It was the beginning phase of my depression and it was the worst.. Believe me i had no idea how to deal with this or how to reach out for help.. I was broken completely.. But,the cruelty i had to face that time i can't even describe.. From everyone around me.. The most painful thing is that my own family made me suffer so much that time.. They didn’t come for help.. They gave me so much pain that i can't forget.. Even those give me nightmares.. Believe i don’t remember what others told me but i clearly remember every words my family told me.. They just keep stabbing my heart so badly.. I cannot just forget it.. Today while scrolling Instagram i saw a post that what's the most painful thing someone ever told you.. And the first thing i remembered the words my family told me during my struggling time.. I feel so suffocated right now.. I can't bear the pain from the things they told me.. It’s worse than my depression.. It’s because i love them so much and never in my dream i could imagine that they would say something like this... If you ask me what's the most painful one.. Well, it’s from my father.. Yeah.. I was at home and i didn’t wanna come.. I was crying badly.. And he said what sins i have committed to have a child like you.... Believe me when he said that i felt like i died.. My heart started to bleed.. I was lost... I was like how Could he say that... I was shocked.. I was dead at that moment.. Like all the purposes of like just vanished.. Till then i am bearing the pain of these and believe me it’s just too heavy for me to carry... It triggers me always.. One day at night i suddenly remembered and called my mother crying how could he tell me these... Why why... I was wondering where did i fail him as a child.. Believe i had good grades and everything you could ask for someone in my age.. I never did something to embarrass him.. I never did.. Always tried to make him proud and i did that.. Was it my fault that i was sick.. Was it... Thia one line is just gonna haunt me forever... It’s so painful.. Also when i was sick, it was my exam.. And i was so emotionally vulnerable that time that i called my sister hoping she would comfort me.. You know what happened.. She told me if you are goona be like this, i will hesitate to introduce you as my sister.. And remember i am not gonna look after you in the future.. I didn’t ask her to do it.. No, i am an independent person.. But, she told me like that.. I was so shocked.. I didn’t atleast expect that from her.. You know the irony after that she came to me asking for comfort.. And i didn’t hurt her.. I tried to be there for her.. I know it’s a long story.. Just wanted to share it cause it’s very painful for me... #Depression #MentalHealth #Anxiety

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These numbers in this order (in the US) seRvinti your skin like a brand. They’re in par with a Felony - forever following you around like a malevolent shadow. 5150’s taint tie character. They put you on an off ‘ do not fly lists’ they are available to employers through freedom of information and employee protection acts.
I 550’d myself, because I was scared, if I’d inky know. HMO’s shuttle you to group facilities where no one takes to you. No one interacts with you. If your being given the wrong meds, or the wrong doses, you’re reprimanded for ‘talking back. I have BPD- not one nurse or doctor even knife what this was. The triggered me continuously in their ignorance and I was punished for some I had no contil over. The meds which help my BPD were withheld.

I will NEVER subject myself to this again 7 years later I bear the scars and the fear and the nightmares.

Have any of you had a positive 72 hour hold with an HMO 5150? How were you treated? Was your stay voluntary or mandatory. What happened during your stay that heard you. What halpened to you which will haunt you forever.

And does anyone one know if Trumps 5150 no fly is still in force? This might means Amtrack as well. Haven’t been able to find out. In the worst of my breakdowns I’ve NEVER physically hurt ANYONE. I’ve had BPD all my life. I’m almost 69. Female. 5’5” 120!bs v

2 reactions

February 15th, 2024 Review

I was exhausted today,
I had absolutely no energy to do anything at all besides sleep or take a nap.
I was so tired I had to take a nap three times today, fortunately I didn’t experience any kind of nightmares in my dreams when I was taking the naps.
This review might be a little short due to my exhaustion but I will try to summarize enough about today as I can.
My mental health was fairly okay but I did have some moments of sadness likely due to the low energy levels preventing me from doing something I enjoy,
But it mostly a serene mood with low level energy emotions.
Physically my chronic pain is still chronic, it hurt quite a lot and prevented me from being able to relax fully.
#MentalHealth #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #CrohnsDisease #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder

13 reactions 7 comments

Today, i suddenly wanna go back to the past. The old me also the happy me.. The time when i used to laugh freely.. When i was genuinely happy.. I had no depression, no worries nothing.. I was being myself, happy and cheerful.. Where is she now.. Where the old me who was happy... Is she dead... Cause the new me doesn’t laugh..she suffers from heavy depression... She lost her Pretty smile.. Back then, she was alone but happy cause she was full of herself.. But now, she is so lonely.. She feels she has no one.. That time she preferred to be alone..but now she seeks someone.. Why life has to change so much... Now, she has so many worries,tensions, pains something she didn’t have back then.. I really wanna go home.. To my family and i just wanna hug my mother and cry loudly.. I was missing her so much yesterday night... It’s been one year i am away from my home.. But, now i wanna go back cause i wasn’t like this there.. I was happy... Life has just become so hard to live.. Today, i didn’t get up from my bed for the whole day... I didn’t eat anything just locked myself.. All the windows and door are locked.. I just isolated myself.. I feel so bad right now i can't even explain.. Also i was having nightmares.. My mother just called me but i didn’t talk.. I just listened to her.. I was worrying for something related to my college which made me feel like this.. Believe me i am tired... I am just so tired of worrying... I don’t wanna worry... I don’t care... Let's just see what happens... I can't anymore......... #Depression #MentalHealth #Anxiety

38 reactions 10 comments

February 13th, 2024 Review

I don’t recall most of the day, maybe because I was too exhausted to do anything so I stayed in bed and allowed myself to rest.
It was a low energy day for me so not much got done as far as productivity went but I did do some self care since my condition can make me really tired at times, even for days.
I was fortunate enough to have peaceful dreams since I tend to have more nightmares than average so it was a good break from that!
Knee pain is quite severe today so I mostly stayed in bed because of that as well.
I had a snack to eat today, that was all I had, but I have reached out to a doctor so hopefully I can get a response soon as to what I should do.
#MentalHealth #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #CrohnsDisease #MajorDepressiveDisorder

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Things since then

Things are different. They are quieter now. And slower.

I am not fighting for the things I need to survive anymore. My boyfriend helps me. We are still looking for appropriate providers near his home, where I am living.

I don’t have to yell anymore for someone to help me. I don’t have to beg for care. I am not alone at night when the nightmares wake me and I panic.

My panic and dissociation are still here, very present. But like I said, quieter.

I still feel foggy. But I have help.

My boyfriend has done what I never thought I could have. He has helped me find safety when I was disabled, couldn’t get help, and wasn’t getting heard. I am so grateful.

I am also so disappointed by the immense failures that I saw- from the system, my family, and my friends. I should have had some way of getting safe with the supports I had in place and the number of ways I tried to access them.

I really hope I can continue to advocate and talk about what happened to me so that changes can be made, even if it’s just the way one person thinks.

I went on vacation this weekend. I got a bad migraine and felt some weird GI symptoms that were pretty painful. Luckily I got a lot of sleep and spent a lot of time in the hot tub. ❤️ I have been attending some groups and I got chosen to do art therapy with an Art Therapy student from a local university. I am really excited for that too. I’m working on changing my care over to better professionals while I reach out to the OMAS board about what happened to me through the years. Especially while trying to file grievances and no one helping me.

Thank you for reading this little update. 💞

#Agoraphobia #Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD #Trauma #PanicAttacks #PanicDisorder #MentalHealth #ChronicVestibularMigraine #Migraine #ADHD

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