Nightmares

They always say that it's important to have a support system. That it's vital to healing and mental well-being. Therapist and doctors say this a lot. And while I agree with this life can get pretty hard when you're balancing multiple mental illnesses. I try to do everything in my power to manage them through therapy, self-care and medications. I am beyond grateful for my support system. I have so much love for them. They have been so instrumental in my healing process that sometimes I don't stop and think about how wonderful they are. We often take for granted how much beauty we have in our lives. Yet life can get hard when I have to balance three challenging mental illnesses. I never knew that #BipolarDisorder could be so exhausting. It seems like I am on an emotional roller coaster at times. When I'm happy, I'm manic. When I'm sad, I'm depressed.

But Bipolar was not my first diagnosis. After my stay in the hospital after my self harm and suicide attempt, I was diagnosed with #PTSD . I was incorrectly diagnosed with #Depression at first because I wasn't showing any signs of mania. Receiving that PTSD diagnosis changed things for me. Now I can understand why I act the way I do and why I have nightmares sometimes. Why emotions are so intense when I get triggered. While it changed things for me, it only added to the complexity. Then I was later diagnosed with #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder I suppose due to the emotional dysfunction that I exhibit. In either case, while I now had labels for my problems they create more problems than solutions. Especially when trying to get my emotions under control. Sometimes I bristle at the help given because I am either in a Bipolar mood episode, I feel overwhelmed or I don't know how to express myself. While I am surrounded by people that love and want to support me, I am still navigating my way around all three of my illnesses.

However never underestimate the power and necessity of a support system. I am forever grateful and I know that with their help I can work on my struggles. My illnesses don't define me. They are just a part of my story just like my history of trauma. It's just there, while it does impact me I don't have to navigate its effects alone anymore. For so long I was alone and that only made things worse. Now I am not alone. So I encourage all of you to gather support. People who love and understand. People that are patient and compassionate. This is vital to thriving and healing. While I may never understand why I was abused or why I have the illnesses that I do, I know that I am loved, supported and believed. This has been crucial for my healing. I pray that all of you find this too. So stay safe and strong my friends. As always, thanks for reading and reach out for help if you need to. We are here for each other. I enjoy reading your comments. I'm glad I can help.

Blessings,

-Anastasia

#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #ChildhoodAbuse #Trauma

I have been in a manic episode since November. If I sleep I have nightmares but most nights I don’t get much sleep. My brain and body is pure chaos right now. My
Thoughts are all over the place. My family tries to understand. I tell them if I notice a change in moods and they try to understand but they just don’t get it. I feel the fall fixing to happen. I see the black cloud hovering over me. Waiting to cover me. I had a really bad depressed episode 2 years ago where I withdrew from anything and everyone and stayed in bed for 1 year. I’m petrified that’s what is going to happen this time. I know from experience that I’m going to come down from this manic episode but does anyone know how to keep me from going To a really dark place? Is there something I can do to even my moods out? I’m on medications for mood stability and antipsychotics to help with my visual and auditory hallucinations Any suggestions would help. #Bipolar #BipolarDepression #SchizoaffectiveDisorder #CPTSD #Anxiety

I have interstitial cystitis and lately it’s gotten worse so my doctor wants to switch me from Toviaz to Myrbetriq. The only side effect she told me about was high blood pressure. I have nightmares and when I wake up my heart is racing out of my chest. I am afraid to switch to the myrbetriq because I am scared a may have a stroke. Any suggestions? #InterstitialCystitis

I love to journal and I love finding prompts to journal about. I just Google the prompts that I'm looking for and I find thousands of them. Tonight's prompt is really making me think. Especially about the positive. I know it sounds negative and pessimistic to say that I tend to think of the negative regarding my situation. I suppose negative thinking and internal dialogues are a normal aftereffect of being abused. But tonight I want to challenge those thoughts by writing something positive. So this brings me to the question: What do I love most about my life? I've never actually put much thought into this question. Maybe there isn't any one answer to this question but I'm going to answer this as best I can.

I tend to focus on the fact that I was abused and abandoned and this leads me to think that there is no good in my life. This isn't true. I love the fact that I can finally and genuinely feel safe. The hyper-vigilance of PTSD is still pretty active especially around people I don't know but now I can tell myself that I am truly safe. I have a family now that would protect me if they needed to. I can rest at night (pretty well) knowing that my nightmares can't hurt me and they aren't as bad as they once were. I love that I can be safe with a few select people and not shut them out because of distrust or fear.

I love that I am loved and wanted. After being abused and abandoned I felt objectified and unwanted. Now though I am expected at family functions and have been told how loved and wanted I actually am.

I love how I can create the life that I want without the fear of being abused again. No longer do I live in fear but I can now live each day as I choose. If I relapse I can show myself grace and love. If I have a healing day then I can celebrate it. I love how I can express myself without fear of retribution. I can be open and honest with myself and others and have my experiences and emotions validated. These might seem like little things so some but they are big things to me.

Just being free from abuse and fear and being able to adjust to life at my own pace means a lot. Like I always say, I am not fully healed but each day I am getting closer to my goal. I may have bad days where I slip up but I also have good days where I can be proud of myself and show myself the love that I always deserved. So I ask you: What do you love about your life? I won't tell you to think positive because I know that toxic positivity can be hurtful. I will tell you to celebrate your life and your accomplishments. You deserve it. Just as I do. I am so glad that I chose this prompt because now I feel more positive and happier compared to earlier. I hope this post inspires someone today. Blessings to you all.

#PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #Hope #Healing #Writing #Love #Life

I have had night terrors since I was a child due to PTSD. I’m 46 years old and the nightmares are still with me. I will wake up screaming , soaked with sweat. On a really bad night I will wake up screaming, soaked with sweat and I peed in the bed. They have been so bad lately that I refuse to sleep. I will do this for days until I’m so exhausted my
Body just gives in to it. Any suggestions about how to prevent or something I could do to help the anxiety at night or stop the nightmares. I’m on Prazosin to help prevent nightmares. I don’t know what else I can do. I’m so tired. #Night Terrors
#c -PTSD # Bipolar #Gastroparesis
#Anxiety #BipolarDepression

Ever since I was sexually abused and assaulted I find myself getting triggered at night. I am not afraid of the dark-I am afraid of what happens in the dark. I am trying to come up with a relaxing bedtime routine that involves calming music and meditation. Because the abuse only ended a few years ago, I still find myself crying over it. Depending on how badly I get triggered I have nightmares and can't breathe. If I am mildly triggered then I am severely anxious and want to escape. Problem is, I can't escape my thoughts or emotions. So what do I do?

A change in mood doesn't help either. I can feel my mood shifting from manic to depressed but I still have anxiety. I feel like my changing emotions impact everything else. I want to do a lot of things but struggle to do them. I find myself crying more often and wanting to sleep more-two signs for me of a depressed episode. The emotional intensity of Borderline Personality doesn't help either. Sometimes I feel like I have no control. Please help. I don't want to become so depressed that I go down a dark path -self-harm for example. It's been a few years since that has happened and I want to keep it that way. I am on a lot of medications and am in therapy but sometimes that doesn't seem like enough. I'm hoping someone here can reach out to me. Thanks.

#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #SexualAssault #PTSD #boderlinepersonalitydisorder #help #Anxiety

I’m “high-functioning” they say. I have “high-functioning” depression, “high-functioning” anxiety, “high-functioning” PTSD and complex PTSD, “high-functioning” ASD & ADHD.

I suppose that’s because on the surface I’m pretty much kept together. I’m pretty sociable; I go out & see friends, I work (supporting people with mental illnesses would you believe!?), I sing in a group, out in public, I’m also studying for a masters in Psychology. I smile, laugh and joke a lot, I try to be there all hours to support my friends and would do anything I can to help them. I get complimented on being “so chilled”, “happy-go-lucky”, “really laid back”, “always smiley and bubbly.”

But then there’s what you don’t see. Most of the time, people only see what I want them to see. Other times I am dying inside, screaming, trying to reach out, begging for someone to help me, some support, praying for someone to tell me I’m not as awful as I think I am or begging for some kind of distraction, yet usually I try to push through alone. I try not to let people see this side, the side that would shock them if they saw this reality exists.

People don’t tend to see the hours of curling up on my bed, eyes squeezed tightly shut as I relive and re-experience one type of trauma or another. They can’t see the insomnia or when I do eventually sleep the nightmares and night terrors that plague what could be my one chance to switch off from it all. They don’t tend to see the panic attacks that feel like they go on for hours as they drain the energy from me. They don’t see me needing to be ready extra early to allow for the numerous attempts to leave the house. They don’t see the intrusive thoughts that take over mind, body and soul and convince me everyone secretly hates me, that I deserve this and that everyone would be better off without me. Nor do they see how hard I try to push it all away and keep it hidden in the company of other people and try to be the ‘me’ that people have come to expect.

But then at times it gets more difficult, I struggle to hide it, it feels pretty much impossible to keep up that façade and continue being the person people expect me to be. It feels like I have absolutely no strength left to push through any more rubbish that comes my way. And no matter how much I try to start each morning feeling grateful that I get to see another day, I can’t do it with any sincerity. It can get to a point where I waking up in the morning feels terrifying and the thought of having to try and fight through another day is beyond terrifying. I barely focus and become physically and mentally drained. Leaving the house starts to feel even more difficult.

So, I guess you could say people that are “high functioning”, can still barely be functioning at all.