Why I’m Forgiving My Daughter’s Attacker

I spend so much of my time being angry. Not at a person, but at neutropenia. Chronic benign neutropenia, to be exact.

Doctors define it so simply. Neutropenia is when your body doesn’t produce enough neutrophils. Neutrophils are a type of white blood cell needed to fight infection.

For my 19-month-old-daughter, Willow, neutropenia means much more. It means pain. The poke of a needle twice a week. The sting of watching mommy, her protector, administer each shot. The torment of bone pain as the drugs work their magic producing neutrophils deep within her marrow. The misery of mouth ulcers, the agony of a fever or the discomfort of a skin infection when the drugs just aren’t enough.

I guess you could say neutropenia also causes me pain. It’s torture watching my littlest daughter fight such a big battle. It’s not fair. It’s just not fair.

Screen Shot 2015-04-27 at 4.29.34 PM

While antibiotics and neutrophil-boosting drugs like Neupogen help Willow fight physical infections, I’m left wondering how to treat the poison coursing through my own body — anger. It eats at me just like the bacteria eats at Willow and causes her sores.

I hate neutropenia for making me question every little blemish on my daughter’s body.

I hate neutropenia for robbing my daughter of a chance to play freely with friends for fear of germs.

I hate neutropenia for forcing me into the role of the crazy lady who carries a bottle of hand wash in her hands at all times.

I hate neutropenia for making me take on the task of administering shots of Neupogen.

I hate neutropenia for ruining too many nights of sleep.

I hate neutropenia for causing me to question every… little… thing.

Screen Shot 2015-04-27 at 4.30.13 PM

My daughter also has Down syndrome, and while I’m told the two are unrelated, Willow’s extra chromosome does play a role in how seriously her neutropenia is taken. A small pimple landed her in the hospital a few weeks ago because it got infected and gave her a fever. I foolishly thought I could help the situation with some antibacterial ointment. Her hematologist set me straight. According to him, a tiny infection can turn deadly if it enters her blood stream. That’s because when she was just a month old, Willow had some heart defects repaired. Those repair sites are supposedly magnets for infection. Gulp. Yet another reason to hate neutropenia. Dang you!

But, I’m done! I’m tired of living this way. Exhausted. And I’ve come to realize if I’m going to help my daughter through this, I need to be at maximum strength. I can’t stop neutropenia from attacking my daughter, but I can stop it from tormenting me.

Today I am taking the first step toward letting go of my anger. I’m forgiving my daughter’s attacker.

Neutropenia, you’re evil. Plain and simple. So why should I waste my time hating you? You’re not going to change. No. Instead, I’m going to accept you for what you are — an inconvenience.  Something to be conquered. And believe me, you will be conquered! For months, you’ve held my family captive. Now it’s time for us to put you where you belong — behind bars.

From this day forward, I won’t allow you to invade my constant thoughts. I won’t allow you to ruin my day. Neutropenia, I’m done being angry. I’m taking back my life in hopes of bettering my daughter’s. Sure, you may try to hurt her, but I guarantee you won’t take her life. She’ll be too busy living it. Loving it.

Goodbye, neutropenia. I’m over you. And, by the way, the key to your cell? I’m giving it to God, because I know He’ll never give it back to me.

Screen Shot 2015-04-27 at 4.29.52 PM
Why waste time hating neutropenia when you can love this?

This post originally appeared on The Mighty Willow.

Want to help celebrate the human spirit? Like us on Facebook.

And sign up for what we hope will be your favorite thing to read at night.

Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.

Related to Down Syndrome

Please Don’t Hold Back in Sharing the Joys of Motherhood With Me

There we all are, having lunch together. Although it had been well over a year since my daughter was born, it had been a while since I’d gotten together with this group of girlfriends. One is expecting her first child, two others had their first babies and another one had her second, like me. We’re [...]

When People Think Things Are ‘Just Fine’ Because My Kid’s Out Of the Hospital

I recently saw an exchange on Facebook where a preemie mom was posting facts about prematurity in support of Prematurity Awareness Month. This particular post was around the cost of healthcare for premature children and then at the end, she posted how much money her own daughter’s medical costs have been so far. Someone responded, [...]

Secret Candy, Escape Plans and More Ways to Bond in the Hospital

I had been there a while. A week, maybe two weeks… who knows? It’s hard to keep track of time when you’re confined to the pale, dreary walls of a hospital room. I had seen patients come and go. With each of them I had to bite my tongue to stop myself from blurting out, [...]

Why Taylor Swift Wants to Meet This Girl With Cerebral Palsy

Charli Roberton is a high school senior from Winston Salem, North Carolina, who loves Taylor Swift. Robertson has cerebral palsy, and in the fall of 2012, she experienced a series of seizures that caused her to develop amnesia, Fox News reported. Her family and doctors tried everything to help bring her memory back, but only one thing worked [...]