The Moment During My Daughter's Heart Surgery I Felt Like God Was Holding Me


The scar on my daughter’s back is barely visible anymore. I know it’s there because I trace it when I’m reflecting on that day. The day I begged God-Fate-Karma, whomever, to keep her alive during her heart surgery. The day it felt like God was actually holding me.

It’s funny, I grew up in a Christian home, heck my grandpa was even a preacher, but for me God is not so much a church anymore but moments within my life. And this moment will be one I forever embrace.

Obviously leading up to my daughter’s heart surgery, I was a hot-outta-control-Snickers-binge-eating-emotional mess. In the back of my head, during everything I did with her, I thought, “This might be the last time.” Her last bath, her last nap, her last snuggle. I remember waking her — God knows I didn’t sleep that night — around 3 a.m. to nurse her for the last time. That just about did me in. I remember stroking her little head as tears streamed down my face. I remember begging God to please let me keep her.

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Giving Pip to the doctor was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Although she had a quite serious surgery before this one, for some reason the thought of operating on her heart seemed so much more unstable.

As soon as I placed Pip into the doctor’s hands, I literally collapsed on the floor in the middle of the hall, weeping in fear. My husband picked me up and shoved us into the first door he saw, and it just so happen to be a chapel.

As I cried my heart out and my husband held me, it felt in a way like God was holding me too — that as scared as I was, as unsure about everything happening as I was, a peace kinda came over me, and I believed God was there looking out for my little girl.

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It was a simple moment. It wasn’t like lightening crashed down on us, or the heavens opened up, or the doc came running in and said she’s fixed. In reality, my husband could have picked any door, but we believe Fate knew that was the door I needed, that was the door that let me feel God.

It’s moments like this that make me believe.

This post originally appeared on Happy Soul Project.

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