When Reddit Judged Me for Being a Mother With Bipolar Disorder

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I’ve have written about my triumphs and hardships with bipolar disorder many times before. I write so others know they’re never alone. In my writings, I would neither judge or condemn someone for choosing to have children or choosing a life without children. Their choices are none of my business, and who am I to judge anyway? Who are any of us to judge another person?

Who indeed.

I’ve never claimed to be the best mother in the world because, well, that would be ridiculous. But I do know I’m a good mom. My daughters are everything to me and I take care of myself to not only be healthiest person I can be, but the strongest mother to my children.

Once, while looking over my personal blog, I was alerted someone had shared one of my posts to Reddit.* It was a blog I had written called “You Can’t Have Kids, You’re Bipolar,” about a comment I’d received — someone thought I should feel guilty for having children because I have bipolar disorder.

I decided to make my way to Reddit to take a peek at what was being said about the piece; surely people would see my point, right? As my eyes scanned her post, my stomach churned.

There were over 80 comments calling me everything from “psychopath,” “unstable,” “selfish” and “unfit.” Even a disgusting comment about how I should’ve been forced to undergo sterilization was upvoted and replied to with like-minded ignorance.

I was blown away. I reached out to my community of mental health advocates, reposting the original article I had written with all of the Reddit comments copied and pasted at the end to highlight the stigma and ignorance.

Their support was amazing, and I’m so thankful for the community of mental health advocates in my life. The people who know what it’s like, or take the time to ask what it’s like, are the ones who would never judge another person. These are the people who are changing the world, one small act of kindness at a time.

And since stumbling on that Reddit post, I’ve come to a few conclusions of my own:

It’s sad people in this world honestly believe hate is the way to treat someone with an illness. I’m sad some people would choose to remain ignorant.

And even after reading and rereading the comments by people who’ve never met my lovely children or me, yet still felt justified in their judgment, I couldn’t help but feel bad for them. I asked myself, if given the opportunity to speak to those faceless strangers, what would I say?

While everyone is entitled to their beliefs and opinions, you don’t know me or my children. Spreading ignorance is harmful, and you have absolutely no right to judge someone you’ve never met. People who are diagnosed with an illness might read those words and lose hope.

I wrote that piece to let other parents know being diagnosed with a mental illness doesn’t mean you can’t be an amazing, loving parent. Please stop adding to the stigma we fight every single day.

It’s exhausting, and it’s taking time away from my beautiful children.

*Editor’s note: The post has since been removed.

Follow this journey on The Lithium Chronicles.

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What You May Miss When You Dismiss Someone as a Drunk

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When I was in my mid-to-late teens, I had a problem with drugs and alcohol. For the best part of four years, I continually got high and drank myself into oblivion. Most people who saw me during that time could’ve dismissed me as just another addict or drunk. And I guess that’s what I was. That’s how I looked, right? But to really know what was going on, you’d have to look deeper. Sadly, very few people ever do.

I have mental illnesses. Bipolar I disorder, borderline personality disorder and anxiety disorder. I didn’t receive this diagnosis until about two years ago. Prior to that, I lived misdiagnosed. My first diagnosis came after I tried to kill myself when I was 15. First it was psychotic depression, then schizoaffective disorder and then major depressive disorder. I had a constantly changing diagnosis and received little actual help. Nobody knew what to do with me. I was suicidal, psychotic and reckless.

Because I wasn’t receiving the help I needed, I decided to take matters into my own hands.

I didn’t consciously decided to be an addict or a drunk, but my emotional pain was tearing me apart; I just needed it to stop. The only method I could think of was drugs. I needed to not exist for a while. Drugs took away my cares. They took away everything. I didn’t get addicted to the drugs, I got addicted to the feeling they gave me.

There were drugs I took to calm me down, some I took to keep my weight down and others that completely took me away and obliterated everything. And of course there was the alcohol. I was drinking nearly every single night and binge drinking two or three nights a week.

I was a mess, I won’t deny that. But it was how I coped. It was the only thing I could find to make me feel better. I was 16 years old with a care team that wasn’t equipped to deal with serious mental illness. There was no psychiatrist in my town, my therapist was useless and my doctor didn’t know anything about mental illness because it wasn’t his specialty — he was just a general doctor. What do you even do with that? So I helped myself instead.

So before you judge someone for having a problem with drugs or alcohol, take a minute to look beyond what you see. You don’t know why or how they ended up in the situation they’re in, nor are they a bad person for it.

I’ve been clean of drugs and alcohol for more than five years now. I’ve finally found a brilliant care team that took the time to correctly diagnose me and get me the medication and help I so desperately needed. I’m fairly stable. I’m a work in progress. We all are.

That is just my story, and a small part of it at that. Everyone has a story and it’s never as simple as you might think. Don’t be so quick to judge others before you know the reasons behind what they do. I turned to drugs out of desperation and pain. I’m not a bad person for that. I was in a bad place mentally, and I just needed help.

Follow this journey on Always Unstable

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

The Crisis Text Line is looking for volunteers! If you’re interesting in becoming a Crisis Counselor, you can learn more information here.

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These People Will Challenge What You Think You Know About Bipolar

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10 Things I Wish My Loved Ones Knew About Living With Bipolar Disorder

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To my loved ones who don’t understand my bipolar disorder,

It’s been a year since I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. The past year, through my hard times, my recovery and my new found strength, some people have struggled to understand me and what I’m going through. This is me trying. This is me telling you what I wish you understood about my mental illness.

1. Bipolar disorder is not something I’ve made up.

I didn’t not make up bipolar disorder to excuse my bad decisions. Bipolar disorder has a medical definition, and it’s very real.

2. It’s not fun when I’m manic.

I’m a young adult who takes pride in being able to get good grades, run a business and pay my bills. There’s nothing more frustrating than coming out of a manic episode to find my credit card has several hundred charges to it, or that I missed some major deadlines for school.

3. I’m not giving up. 

I want you to know no matter how far I fall, I’ll always climb back up. I’m determined to live a successful life. I won’t give up, so please, don’t give up on me.

4. When I forget things I’m not just being neglectful.

When I say I can’t remember something, it’s not me being neglectful or choosing not to remember. Sometimes things are harder to remember. I don’t know why, but believe me, it’s not by choice.

5. When I cry, I’m not looking for attention. 

I’m not even looking for sympathy. I cry because I’m tired of fighting with myself. I cry to release the stress, anger and frustration I carry within. I cry because I know when I’m done, I’ll get back up and keep pushing through.

6. I’m sincerely sorry when I snap at you. 

It’s not on purpose and it isn’t a choice. I wish I could control my outbursts, but when I’m in a bad place I lose control of those things. Know I will come back to you to apologize every single time.

7. There are days when the stress of life is just too much. 

This doesn’t make me weak. Please understand my disorder makes dealing with stress much more difficult. I might need help with things you feel are simple.

8. I’m trying. 

You might not see it on the days it’s 4 in the afternoon and I’m still in my pajamas, but if I’m out of bed and being semi-productive, I’ve won a huge inward battle.

9. I still look for your approval.

Despite my disorder, I’m constantly trying to be the girl you once knew.

10. I will always love you. 

Even if you don’t understand my disorder, what I’m going through or why I am the way I am, I will always love you. You have been there for me since the day I was born, and I cannot imagine how my life would be without you.

 A version of this post originally appeared on Defying Shadows

The Mighty is asking the following: Write a letter to anyone you wish had a better understanding of your experience with disability and/or disease. If you’d like to participate, please send a blog post to [email protected] Please include a photo for the piece, a photo of yourself and 1-2 sentence bio. Check out our Share Your Story page for more about our submission guidelines.

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The Secret I've Been Keeping as a Special Needs Mom

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The stigma of mental illness runs deep. While in recent years society has become more engaged in conversation about mental illness, the stigma remains — stigma I have lived with and hidden from for years. 

With the premature birth of my daughter in 2012, I learned quickly how to be what others needed and expected, hiding deep within myself. With the addition of a not quite yet adopted son with extensive medical needs this past fall, I perfected my craft of illusion. 

I am the perfect mother — a gift to two medically fragile children. At least that’s what doctors, nurses and family friends told me. But they don’t know the truth. For years, I ignored the mania, depression and post-traumatic stress, hiding it from those around me. For the past six months, I’ve ignored the importance of accepting and sharing who I am and what I need. I was, and still am, terrified of the stigma that comes with mental Illness. This is me finding acceptance and the strength to be more than what others need. This is my coming out, my destruction of the stigma surrounding mental illness. In December of 2014, I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder.

I’m what some would consider a two-sided coin. When one side is up the other is inevitably down, except on those rare occasions where the coin lands perfectly on its edge, leaving both sides exposed for the world to see. One side is manic; the other side, depressed. One cannot exist without the other, but rarely do the two sides of the coin meet. Except, of course, for today. Today, the day that I share with the world I am bipolar. 

In the medical world I am bipolar. In my world I am simply me. In the medical world I need treatment for my dual states. In my world both sides of the coin are necessary for survival, for truth, for clarity.

For those who can’t imagine what mental illness looks like, or who can’t see anything more than a stereotypical stark raving lunatic, hell bent on self-destruction, this is for you.

I am mental illness. Mental illness looks like me. The educated, intelligent, medical mommy whose days are marked with appointments and therapies. Bipolar I holds a master’s degree, has published a book, blogs and articles, all while living in the rush of mania. Bipolar I is overly empathetic, impulsive yet deliberate. She is covered in scars and tattoos, with a slowly healing heart the size of the universe. Bipolar I is a mother, a wife, a friend, a sister and a daughter. She has never been hospitalized but has been, and is, treated with mood-stabilizing antipsychotics like quetiapine, lurasidone and ertraline. She is a mess of beautiful chaos wrapped tightly beneath the paper-thin emotions she wears on her skin. Bipolar I is me, and I’m proud as hell of who I am, mental illness and all.

I am the face of mental illness, the living coin. I am not the stigma of my illness. I’m the writer trying to meld the two sides of the coin into one glorious person she can show the world, finally not caring who sees her.

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When a Doctor Told Me I Was 'Too Difficult' to Treat

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Many years ago I moved to a new state. Again, I was in an area where I didn’t know any doctors or anything about the mental health system. This meant I bounced from psychiatrist to psychiatrist, and psychologist to psychologist, until I found one of each that worked well with me.

I had been referred to a “great” psychiatrist by my primary care doctor and was quite optimistic about finding someone who could figure out medication for me. I sat down in this man’s office and told him my background, to which he said, “You’re too difficult for me to treat. I don’t deal with people who have such severe bipolar disorder.”

Well, that was disappointing.

I have what is called rapid cycling bipolar II. Yes, there are quite a few variations of bipolar disorder, and one of the reasons I went undiagnosed for so long is because my type is not the typical (if there is a typical bipolar) DSM-IV definition of bipolar I which, simplified, is fluctuating manic and depressed states, each of which lasting for at least seven days. Then there’s bipolar II, which also has episodes of fluctuating mood, but the up moods don’t reach full mania. In both of these forms, you could be in a depressed or manic state for months at a time.

Rapid cycling means you go from mania to depression at least four times a year, but it can be as frequent as a few times a week, or even a few times a day. I cycle at least a few times a day on average. Apparently this type of bipolar is more severe (I think all forms of bipolar are severe though), which is why the new doctor would not treat me. He did send me to a bipolar specialist, who was a good psychiatrist and made the additional diagnosis of Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, which explained a lot.

But I get a bit tired of not being a “normal” case of anything. For instance, I’m also extremely sensitive to medication so even a small dosage will give me an extreme result.

And I’m eternally frustrated. I’m frustrated that there’s little information for atypical cases of mental illness, yet among all the people I have met with mental illness, many of us don’t perfectly fit the definitions found in the DSM-IV manual.

What’s sad is that our doctors are also in a bind. Even if they know of alternative treatments for atypical cases, sometimes they don’t suggest them. Because states are lacking mental health funding, often atypical treatment — meaning anything from medicines intended for a different illness, to food allergies, exercise and diet changes — has not been throughly scientifically tested.

Because of this, we have to be our own advocates.

My advice for people who have “atypical” cases of any mental illness is to never give up and keep looking for more information. Keep detailed records of your moods each day, or each hour if need be. Document exercise, sleep, diet, vitamins. Document how your body and mind feel and don’t believe it when a doctor tells you, “That would never happen.” Even if it seems like your illness is too severe or too complicated, keep looking for a doctor who will treat like the individual you are. Have faith that you know yourself, and find a doctor who has faith in you as well.

This post originally appeared on Rev. Katie Norris’ website.

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