When Someone Asked, ‘Do You Wish You Never Had Him?’

I was recently asked by someone, referring to my son, “Don’t you sometimes wish you never had him?”

The question wasn’t meant offensively, but I paused a moment, letting those words sink in. I didn’t pause because I had to ponder my answer; I paused because I was shocked at the question.

I’m not judging the person who asked me. Yes, it’s a harsh question. But it was an honest question, and I have no issues with speaking honestly and candidly about our journey.

“No,” I replied.

“Be honest,” she said.

“Honestly, no I don’t. I hate bipolar disorder. I hate when it makes him depressive. That, I wish we didn’t have to deal with,” I replied.

And that’s the truth. Even if someone asked me on one of our worst days, it would still be my answer.

Here’s our truth: he has bad days — days where I think to myself, “I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if he can do this.” Days, even weeks, where we can’t leave the house because he’s in such a deep depressive cycle, he can’t stop crying and screaming.

Days where he begs me to make it stop.

Days where he begs his brain to “leave him alone.”

Days where I won’t contact my family or interact with the followers on my page because I can’t leave him alone, and because I can’t stand the thought of talking with people and trying to act like everything’s OK.

But you know what? He perseveres. He gives us the strength to continue. He is the reason we are strong. He is the reason we keep on keeping on.

Through all of this, never once, not even for a split second, have I ever wished Liam wasn’t my son. I had seven miscarriages before he finally came into our lives, and I thank God for him every night. He’s one of the strongest people I know, and even on hard days, I’m happy he’s my son.

Follow this journey on A Legion for Liam.

Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.

Related to Bipolar Disorder

To the Musician Rob Thomas, From a Thankful Special Needs Mom

Dear Rob Thomas, My daughter, Sam, has been at home sick for the past three days. Since she can’t speak, this morning she grabbed my purse, took me by the hand and walked me to the door that leads to our garage. This meant she wanted a car ride, so I helped her into the [...]

You Don’t Need to Know My Child Has Autism to Show Him Kindness

We’re always open about our son’s autism. It’s not like we make him wear a “Hey I’ve got autism!” t-shirt or badge. But we try to share his difficulties with the hope that people understand and then support him and us. Problems arise when we meet new people. Autism is invisible; they don’t see it. [...]

To My Mom as I Sit Beside Her Hospital Bed

Dear Mom, I sit here at 3 a.m. in your hospital room, looking at you, with memories filling my mind. As a medic, I understand what is happening inside your body, although I can’t feel your pain. I feel helpless and unable to give you the comfort you need. I understand the cancer is growing in [...]

The Words Every NICU Parent Deserves to Hear Before Leaving the Hospital

Parents who have spent time in the NICU know as the day of discharge approaches, you’re alternately thrilled and petrified. Will I be able to do this? She’s already been through so much! What if…?  A million what ifs run around your addled mind, some too terrible to even acknowledge. I was bend over my [...]