First, I had a career.Ā I had hobbies, one of which was exercising and taking all kinds of classes like kickboxing, yoga and Pilates.Ā I also had a husband who could not handle my recovery, so he moved on.Ā I am a mother of a beautiful 25-year-old daughter.Ā I have a Pomeranian that needs to be fed, walked and cared for.Ā I have family I love.Ā
I suffer from degenerative disc disease and have had a triple fusion in my cervical spine, as well as three back surgeries.Ā My neck has never healed properly, and my left arm is almost always hurting on some level.Ā I have had people say to me, āBut you look fine,ā and I have been asked if I am disabled as I parked my car in the handicapped spot.
I would like people to know that to survive and try to get out in the world, I have learned to hide my pain, do my hair and get out every once in awhile.Ā If I am smiling, it does not mean my pain isnāt there.Ā I have limited energy, so if I go out for a few hours or to a family event the next day, I will be tired.Ā I have lost friends because they were either acquaintances or didnāt want to be around a āsick person.āĀ
The isolation at times can be worse than the pain itself.Ā I canāt even count how many family parties I have missed entirely or have had to lie down and ice my neck and take a nap so I could drive myself home.Ā There are times I have to cancel plans at the last minute, which I used to feel guilty about, but I have learned to know my limits.Ā
I have depression due to all of this, wondering why this happened to my body. I miss the energy I used to have.Ā People say, āAt least it isnāt cancer,ā and I do agree, but that does not mean I donāt have a hard life.Ā
I wish people had more empathy for anyone who has a chronic illness of any kind.Ā I wish they knew how much I miss working and socializing and that I would give anything to have the āold meā back. I feel guilty that my daughter worries about me so much and that I canāt drive far or my neck will go into spasms.Ā The list goes on, but this is my new way of life, and I am fighting and doing my best to survive.
Image via contributor