The Question That’s Helped Me Over the Years as a Special Needs Mom


Years ago, when my oldest two were around 5 and 2 years old, my good friend and old college roommate came to California with one of her sisters to visit. They live in Tennessee, so it was a real treat to have them. We met up at a nearby mall and walked around, me with my two kids in a double stroller, talking and enjoying being together.

At lunch time, we headed to the food court to eat. After sitting down, my good friend, who knew a little about my daughter’s recent autism diagnosis, asked me how she was doing. Next, she looked me right in the eyes sternly and I’ll never forget what she asked:

“OK. But how are you doing will all of this?”

The autism diagnosis was still so new to our family. I didn’t talk about it much because I was still trying to come to terms with it. It was the first time one of my own friends had really wanted to know how I was doing with all of this. I can still picture myself sitting there at the booth next to my kids in the stroller, eating some food court item like corn dogs or soft pretzels. I remember my friend staring into my eyes for a response. Though we hadn’t seen each other in a few years, she knew me. She really wanted to know how I felt, and I honestly didn’t know what to say. But I knew it was something I needed to process. I don’t remember what I responded, but it probably went like this:

“I’m not sure yet. I’m still trying to figure that out. It’s been an emotional time and I’m still coping. I don’t know what the future holds. That’s probably the hardest part. Not knowing how far she can go or what she will accomplish, and also knowing that how far she does go largely depends on what help I’m able to get her and how dedicated I am to this. Everything is up in the air.”

She’s not a special needs parent like me. But she was a new parent. And she sensed that I needed to talk about what I was facing, and I don’t think I even realized I did. Sometimes just talking to a person is what helps you realize where you need more strength.

When is the last time you have sat down, in person, with someone, and they have asked you how you are doing with everything? And they really meant it? How did it make you feel? Did you feel better after talking about it? When is the last time you asked someone the same question, and really meant it?

I know that talking to people over the years, on the phone or in person, about the challenges I’ve faced has been a lifesaver. Keeping it all inside was not an option for me. Talking helped me get through the trying years I’ve faced. And now writing has connected me with even more great support. Talk about it — with a friend, a therapist, a doctor, a family member, your child’s therapist, anyone who is willing to listen. It’s important that you know how you are doing, too. Sometimes you don’t know until you let it all come out.

Two friends with baby

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