When I Was Diagnosed With ADHD as an Adult
Sorry. I really was interested the last time we spoke each other. I really tried to listen to what you were telling me. The thing is, I also participated in all the other conversations in the room, just not out loud.
I apologize. I didn’t realize I left you in the middle of our conversation and started a discussion with someone else. I was already speaking to her, wasn’t I?
Wait… that was in my head, not out loud.
Yes, it’s true. I completely ignored everything and everyone after I was so impolite to you and focused on yet another conversation, but the subject of that conversation fascinated me and I couldn’t let go.
I still can’t and I’ve been losing sleep over it for days.
Diplomatic? Not my thing. Honest? Always! Lying through my teeth? I don’t like it and I can’t; you’ll see right through me.
Birthdays? Forget them all the time. Especially when Facebook reminds me!
I’m rambling on an on, aren’t I? I seem like I’m not listening. I really realize that. Still, I hear and understand everything you are telling me. It does help if I find the subject of what you are trying to tell me somewhat interesting. It becomes difficult if that’s not the case. Just be polite and listen? Everyone will see I’m faking it in a second.
I know people think men can’t multitask. I do. I simultaneously take care of dozens of projects and problems at the same time. I’ve made hundreds of different exhibitions in the last 20 years, and I remember every little detail from all of them, but what was your name again?
Yes, I go fast. Always. No matter how hard I try to find more balance in my life or ways to conserve my energy, I always end up rushing from one project to another. And I’m tired, so terribly tired.
Strange enough I can’t understand why it looks like everyone is taking the easy way while in fact it’s me who’s the one who’s out of pace.
Most of the time I don’t like myself, and I’m terrified that you feel the same.
It won’t come to a surprise to you; I’m not doing well. Despite the fact that I’ve been asking too much of my self for years, the last five years were devastating.
You didn’t notice? I believe that. You have to be really close to me to break through my shield or see through my pokerface.
For a long time I was perfectly capable of managing the amount of pressure and stress I dropped on my own shoulders, but lately I can’t find ways to ease the overload of thoughts, feelings and emotions in my head — this overload, this uneasy and restless feeling I’ve had all my life — but by inserting a huge amount of energy in keeping the speed, I rushed through it and ignored it.
At times I found myself too tired to walk, but instead of taking the time to recuperate I went even faster.
Being restless and so tired caused me to be even less concentrated, and anger and aggression surfaced. I ignored my family and friends. My private life and my work started to suffer.
When I finally realized I couldn’t keep living like this, I went to our family doctor and got referred to a psychology practice. After several sessions and research I got the same diagnoses as my son: attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). From that moment on, I received help in dealing with the problems I’ve faced all these years.
The decision for starting medication with my son wasn’t something I took lightly, but after witnessing the results of this medication, it was less difficult starting myself. The first time I took my medication, it moved me to tears. I felt like I had been driving on The Autobahn at 110 miles per hour and then crossed the border to the Netherlands at 30 miles per hour.
I felt like walking through water. Never before have I felt so at ease. I could find some order in my thoughts and focus on the most important projects instead of dividing all my energy to 10 or 20 things at the same time (and therefore failing at about half of them). Problems out of my reach stayed where they belonged: out of my reach.
At the same time, I made changes at work; I could focus more on what I was good at without constant distraction. I started delegating work to the team.
The combination of treatment, medication, changes at work and working hard to find a better way of life should result in exactly that: a better life!
Reading a book, walking with my dog, watching a movie with the kids, going out for dinner with my wife. I want it all more and I enjoy it all more.
I want to be more… me! And with the support of the people I love, I can.
Editor’s note: These answers are based on personal experience and shouldn’t be taken as professional advice. Talk to your doctor before starting on any medication or diet.