To the Husband Who's Been Newly Introduced to My Depression

Dear Hubs,

First and foremost, you are so stinking amazing there aren’t even words for how amazing you are. I am so thankful for you and I love you so much.

I want to take some time to specifically thank you for being an awesome husband to me, even throughout my struggles. Which have now become your struggles in a way, too. (Sorry. What’s mine is your and what’s yours is mine, right?) In fact, I know it can be hard for you. Because your wife struggles with depression. And has for years. And while I’ve spent years learning how to manage, get by and get through on the tough days, you’re still learning.

You’ve only recently moved into this life with occasional unnecessary and uninvited clouds in what’s generally a sunny home. You have only recently been labeled a “husband of a depressed wife,” while I’ve lived with the label of “depression” for years. I am so thankful for your patience and willingness to learn. I’m sorry when I’m not so patent when you don’t understand things. Sometimes I forget you haven’t lived like this before.

I’m sorry for days you probably feel like you’re walking on egg shells because you don’t know what might make me shut down. I’m sorry for the times I cry and can’t tell you why. Sometimes it’s because I really can’t pinpoint a reason. Other times it’s because I don’t think I could bare to hear the words in my head actually come out of my mouth.

I’m sorry for the weird things I do to feel like I have a grasp on life. Whether it’s the odd little things like deciding I’m only going to eat mashed potatoes for a meal, or when I intentionally keep myself awake and busy at night so dreams don’t come. I’m sorry I am constantly taking on new projects faster than you can even learn about the last one. I have to stay busy to keep my mind on track. I’m sorry that sometimes I can’t answer your questions. I’m sorry that sometimes I lay in bed for as long as I can before starting my day and take time away that we could be spending together. I’m sorry there are bad days.

But please know, I am so thankful for you on those bad days. When you still hold my hand or hug me when I’ve completely shut down or I’ve started crying. When you just sit by me while I’m trying desperately to process what’s going on and why I suddenly feel that way. When you accept that I can’t always answer your questions. When don’t act annoyed that sometimes I explain tough things over text or email because that’s easier than talking, even though we’re in the same room and we both know it’s ridiculous. Thank you for not defining me by my struggle but instead seeing me as a whole. Thank you for being there. Thank you for never calling me your “depressed wife.”

Thank you for being the awesome man you are. Thank you for not just assuming you understand, but for genuinely trying to understand and help. Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for your willingness to learn. Thank you for being you! And thank you for loving me just as much on all the good days.

Caitlin and her husband smile.
Caitlin and her husband

Follow this journey on Collectively Caitlin.

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