To My Husband When I Don't Have the Words to Explain My Anxiety
To the one who signed up for loving me and everything that comes with me,
Iām having a rough day. You know that for better or for worse thing you committed to? This is somewhere on the āfor worseā end of the spectrum. If you have received this letter, thereās a chance I may be curled up in a corner somewhere in our house, sobbing uncontrollably. Please find me, hold me and give me a little kiss on the forehead. Iām probably going to need some tissues as well, unless you donāt mind me using the sleeve of your favorite Brooks Brothers shirt to wipe my eyes⦠and probably my nose.
Please, know this has nothing to do with you. I know youāve never lived with someone who suffers from anxiety and depression. Youāve never had to come home and comfort a person you love from an invisible monster that lives inside of them. If this were a visible illness, you could see the scars from the battles I fight on a daily basis and the bruises from when my anxiety is beating me up inside. You canāt though. You just have to trust Iām fighting every day to be the best version of myself, for me and for you.
Loving you is one of the easiest and one of the hardest things Iāve ever done, all at the same time. You have given me something to fight for but also a fear greater than Iāve ever known. My fear is that everything that comes with the human being that is me is going to drive you away someday. I canāt control that though, and that scares me, too. You have given me no reason for these fears. Itās nothing youāve ever done or said. Itās the opposite really. Itās the anxiety being fearful and the depression telling me Iām not worthy of the love of someone as incredible as you.
I know better, though. Depression and anxiety are liars. I am so worth loving. In fact, my blessing and curse of being able to feel things so incredible deeply means I will love you deeply. My passion, compassion and empathy will make me a great wife to you and a great mom to the kids we will hopefully someday have. I just need to be reminded of that somedays when Iām overcome by Xi and the āPression Monster (itās what I call the anxiety and depression so it sounds less scary ā I imagine them as my own internal heavy metal band).
Iām sorry I lack the ability to use my words right now. I wish I could explain to you why Iām feeling the way Iām feeling and what drives me into feeling that way. Nine times out of 10, I canāt pin down the reason. Sometimes all I can do to help you understand is send you articles written by others who have gone through the same thing.
One last thing: I know this affects you, too. I know itās terrifying for you to see me like this. I canāt even imagine. I know you want to do everything you can to make it better, but youāre learning just like I am. Weāre both going to have a few bumps along the road trying to figure this all out. I know youāre trying and I hope you know that Iām trying, too.
Today, Iām going to need you to love me a little bit louder, hug me a little bit tighter and maybe grab me an ice pack for my head.
Forever and always,
Maisy
Follow this journey on Maisy Ann.Ā
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