My Autistic Unwavering Sense of Youth Is a Good Thing

One of my favorite features of being autistic is the fact that I have an unwavering sense of youth — a seemingly endless childhood, if you will. I have never lost sight of that childlike sense of wonder.

I’ve never felt nor acted my age. I remember acting young for my age even when I was little. I was 9 and still found my interests were those of someone about 5 or 6, such as Barney. While I had some things in common with my peers, I never  have been on quite the same page as them.

Fast forward to middle school, where my fellow female classmates were starting to develop different interests. Boys, makeup, clothes… things that all seemed foreign to me. I was into video games, toys and being goofy. I was also focused doing well in school. I had no interest in these other “strange” things, and I didn’t envy the other girls, either.

In high school and college, the other kids started dating, partying and talking about things that still didn’t interest me. Video games, toys, animals and helping others were the first things on my mind. I just had no desire to do any of those other things that still seemed too “mature” for my liking.

After college, some of my peers began getting into more serious relationships, and now in our 30s I see many of them starting families. This couldn’t be further from what my priorities are right now. I still want to help people. I want to have fun. I want to be carefree. I don’t want anything tying me down. I can’t imagine the level of responsibility raising a child entails.

I totally respect that everyone is different and we all have different lives. I’m happy for people who have that life and desire it, however it’s just not for me. I still want to live like I’m in my late teens or early 20s, and there’s nothing wrong with that; it’s what appeals to me.

Ever since I was little, it seemed to puzzle my parents that I acted differently from my peers. My dad would always try to push me to act older than I felt was right for me. I tried to explain myself for years; I told them this is who I am and I’m only acting naturally. Finally, at some point when I was in my 20s, and especially after learning I was autistic and going through the diagnostic process, my dad no longer pressed the issue. He seems to have a much better understanding of me now and knows I’m not going to change for anyone or anything. This is me.

Though I’ve faced confusion and questions from the world around me, I’ve always taken pride in who I am. I feel blessed to have this sense of youth, and I think it only makes me enjoy life more. I have an innocence about me, and I see things for what they are. The littlest things will captivate me and I have simple pleasures. I feel about 10 or 15 years younger than I am and have the same interests I did then. It’s almost as if years have gone by, and I’ve been frozen in time… and I feel that’s a good thing! I’m living my life to its fullest. My motto is this: the younger you feel, the longer you’ll live!

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