Couple at the park

10 Things I Wish People Knew About Dating Someone on the Autism Spectrum

547
547

When I started dating at 18, I had no idea how to talk to women. Many of the people I dated meant well, however, they may not have understood some of the quirks that people on the spectrum like me may have. For example, as a kid I hated being touched. Ten years later as a 28-year-old adult, I embrace affection.

Here are some things you need to know when it comes to dating someone with autism.

10. Just because we may want to be by ourselves at times doesn’t mean we don’t care about you.

Some of us want to unwind during a long day just like anyone else.

9. Eye contact may be difficult for us at times.

When we’re having a conversation and I’m not looking at you right in the eyes, don’t think I’m trying to give you the cold shoulder.

8. Ask me any questions you have.

Although we may have difficulties with communication, we still need you to be as open with us as possible to avoid misunderstandings. Ask us questions early to avoid issues later.

7. If something goes over our head, try to make me understand what you meant.

Sarcasm can sometimes go over our heads, and when it does, please know we truly want to understand.

6. We can date people who aren’t on the autism spectrum.

Often a misconception is that people on the spectrum want to only date others who are on the spectrum. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. We just want to find someone we connect with and can be ourselves with.

5. If you’re shocked I have autism, don’t be.

Some people on the spectrum tend to fall on the line of an “invisible disability.” That means if we’re on a date, you may not see any characteristics of autism on the surface, but it doesn’t mean I’m not on the spectrum. Autism is a spectrum disorder.

4. If you go online before our date and find out I have autism, don’t jump to conclusions.

See #5. Autism is a spectrum. I once went on a date, and within the first five minutes, she was already talking about how “Rain Man” was her favorite movie … interesting.

3. Help us understand what you’re comfortable with when it comes to being intimate.

We aren’t mind readers so tell us when we may be going too fast or to slow. We will respect you even more for being honest with us, as people on the spectrum tend to be some of the most authentic people you will ever meet.

2. Give us time to process small or big-time decisions.

After we’ve been together for a while and decisions may arise, whether it be something small like trying a new restaurant or something bigger such as getting married or moving in together, understand that transitions can often be difficult at first for us to comprehend. This isn’t different for any human being on this planet. Sometimes transitions can tend to make us feel overloaded. Don’t feel discouraged. If it works out and we both care for each other, we will make it work.

1. Love is love. No matter the person.

Love has no race, age, gender, religion, sexuality and disability. It’s the same with autism.

Love is love no matter any differences we have in our lives.

Love me for the person I am, and I’ll do the same with you.

This post first appeared on KerryMagro.com.

The Mighty is asking the following: What’s one thing people might not know about your experience with disability, disease or mental illness, and what would you say to teach them? Check out our Submit a Story page for more about our submission guidelines.

Lead photo source: Thinkstock Images

547
547

RELATED VIDEOS

TOPICS
, , Contributor list
JOIN THE CONVERSATION

What I Learned After My Son With Autism Went to an 8th-Grade Dance Alone

171
171

I am so naive. I pride myself in educating others about autism as a parent of a child with autism, and yet I still have so much to learn.

I am neurotypical. I don’t have autism. I may have an understanding of what it means to accept and love a different view of the world, but I am not, nor will I ever be, a real part of that world. I will always be an outsider looking in. Just like my son, Ryan, will never quite fully be a natural-born citizen of the neurotypical world.

But that doesn’t mean we will ever give up trying to understand each other’s unique view of the world we both were born into.

For hours leading up to Ryan heading out the door to attend his 8th-grade graduation dance, I was an anxious hot mess. He was going by himself, not with a date and not with a group. He was walking into a gymnasium full of pubescent turmoil alone. He is braver than any 14-year-old boy (or girl) I know.

My mind and my heart raced all day. Would he spend all night alone? Would kids talk to him? Would he feel lonely? My husband told me I needed to give Ryan space, and I knew he was right. After I watched my teenage boy walk into his 8th-grade graduation dance alone, high-fiving kids and smiling as he was greeted by classmates, I was relieved my anxiety was all for nothing. He was fine.

Until hours later when he wasn’t fine.

Just minutes after Ryan exited the car for the dance, I sent the picture above of my handsome boy to a girlfriend who knew I was a hot mess all day. Along with the photo, I actually texted these words to her: “My alone is not his alone.”

I could not have ever texted more ignorant, careless words.

My son’s autism doesn’t make lonely suck any less for him. Lonely still hurts. Dancing with yourself is still terribly painful. Wanting to fit in and not having the tools to do that can be catastrophic for a teenager, autism or no autism.

As much as I love sharing the details of our journey with you, some things I must keep private out of respect for my boy. Suffice it to say, after he returned home from the dance, I was proven wrong with my ignorant words: “My alone is not his alone.”

Alone is alone. Lonely is lonely. Heartache is heartache. Period.

And when you want a friend and need a friend and you find yourself alone on the dance floor, it hurts like hell. My son’s autism isn’t a buffer for that pain or any pain.

So, to my beautiful boy, I am terribly sorry for my ignorance. I am sorry I was so wrong. And like I promised you, as I held all 125 pounds of you in my arms, I will do everything in my power to help others see who they’re missing. To help them understand your world all while trying to help you understand theirs.

I hope some day there will be enough acceptance and understanding and enough education and kindness that in time our worlds will be one and we can celebrate all the beautiful differences that make this one world so absolutely perfect.

Follow this journey on The Awenesty of Autism.

The Mighty is asking the following: What’s one thing people might not know about your experience with disability, disease or mental illness, and what would you say to teach them? Check out our Submit a Story page for more about our submission guidelines.

MIGHTY PARTNER RESOURCES
171
171
TOPICS
, ,
JOIN THE CONVERSATION

To the Mother Afraid to Ask Questions About My Son

1k
1k

To the mother watching my son,

I see you over there, watching with a somewhat quizzical look, afraid to ask questions because you don’t want to offend me, and trying really hard to hide that your eyes keep shifting back to my son. I know that look because many years ago, before my son came into my life and I began to understand what autism was and wasn’t, I had that look too.

I was scared of children who were “different”…I didn’t know what to say to them, how to act and I definitely did not know what to say to a parent. I may have been guilty of saying “I’m sorry” once or twice, something I now deeply regret as it has been said to me on occasion and I now understand what a horrible phrase that can be. So please let me tell you about my son and let me help you learn how to enter his world — because I promise you once you are in, it is for life, and it is a pretty great place to be.

He is different — not less, not weird, not more special than your child, just different. I like to compare this to different ice cream flavors. We are all different flavors, really — each bringing different elements into the world and all ultimately bringing happiness and joy in our own ways. Yes, he has autism, and no, I do not know why. There are days I wish I did, but ultimately that is not important to me. What is important to me is making sure he lives and experiences life to his fullest potential, whatever that may be.

As you watch him, you will see that sometimes he spins in circles, a ritualistic behavior that I have come to realize calms him when he is feeling overwhelmed. And often, loud noises, especially televisions, are too much for his sensory system, and he might yell until it is turned off. But please know this is not my child demanding to have his way; rather, this is his way of trying to stop the over-stimulation that could quite possibly be causing him physical pain.

The author's son, walking on a track,

He might not say much to you at first, in fact he might not acknowledge you at all — but do not mistake that for not listening, because believe me, that is far from the truth. My boy listens and hears everything going on around him, often times referring back to things said from days before.

And even though he might not give you the acknowledgement in the traditional form you are looking for, he will remember. He will remember that you spoke to him. And it may not be the next time, but eventually he will speak back to you — when he is ready. Please do not rush him, and please be patient enough to wait for him because he is worth it.

When my boy is happy, a certain warmth and love emanate from his entire being, and when he laughs that pure and uninhibited laugh, it is with his whole body, something that is amazing to see and impossible to not get caught up in. When you become one of “his people,” you will find that his infectious spirit stays with you even you are apart. I really cannot explain it — I can just feel it even now as I type this while he is spending his day at school. Yes, I am his mother, so I might sound a little biased, but trust me, “his people” love him just as much as he loves them.

I know that often times things we are not familiar with can cause fear and uncertainty. I was once just like you, so I recognize the look on your face and the questions in your eyes. And for that reason, I am reaching out to you to say it is OK to ask me questions, and no, you will not offend me. What will offend me is if you turn away and do not try to open your heart to an incredible child. He is worth it, as is every child and adult on the spectrum. Take the time to get to know him and to find a way into his world. And believe me — you will not regret it.

The Mighty is asking the following: What’s one thing people might not know about your experience with disability, disease or mental illness, and what would you say to teach them? Check out our Submit a Story page for more about our submission guidelines.

1k
1k
TOPICS
JOIN THE CONVERSATION

7 Things I Wish People Would Remember About Me as a Person on the Autism Spectrum

864
864

As an adult on the autism spectrum, I have been doing advocacy work for quite a while. And there are a lot of things I find myself repeating over and over again, occasionally to the same people. This is a list of some of the things I wish people would remember about me, personally, as someone on the autism spectrum.

1. No two people on the autism spectrum are exactly alike. There is a well-known saying in the autism community: “If you’ve met one person on the autism spectrum, you’ve met one person on the autism spectrum.” Each person is unique. This means what might work for me may not actually work for someone else on the spectrum. And what might work for someone else may not work for me.

This also means…

2. Just because one person on the spectrum feels a certain way about a topic doesn’t mean that I feel the same way they do. Perhaps someone on the spectrum has voiced their opinion about how they would rather be accepted for who they are than find a way to prevent autism. Or maybe someone has said that they would rather be called “autistic” than “a person with autism.” I personally don’t always see eye-to-eye with others who are on the spectrum, and feel that some topics aren’t so black or white. So please remember to ask me how I feel before assuming I agree with someone else.

3. I may not always be social, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be. I may rarely use the phone. I may not always respond to my texts. And I may struggle to join even a small group of friends in a social activity. This isn’t because I don’t enjoy being social. In fact, I find myself crying tears of joy when I receive an invitation to go somewhere – not because I want to go, but because someone thought of me. And if somehow everything works out and I feel like I can take part, I’m thrilled! So please, don’t forget to include me.

4. Just because I’m able to do something doesn’t always mean it’s easy for me to do. Sure, I can drive a car. But that took years of practice, and I’m limited as to where I can go. I may be able to speak. However, I rarely say things the way I mean to. And forget about understanding what others are trying to get across to me. These are just a few examples. You can give me a small push to try and do things that are difficult, but remember that I do know my limitations as an adult.

Sometimes, I really wish people could walk in my shoes for a day. They might realize just how exhausting life can be for me. I’m not always trying to make excuses. I’m not always just being “lazy.” When I say I’ve had enough, I honestly mean it. I wish more people would respect that and take it seriously. I wish more than ever I could have more energy throughout the day, but I am just not able to. Pushing me too hard will only result in a meltdown.

Which brings us to….

5. A meltdown is just as difficult for me to handle as it is for you to deal with. In fact, when I was younger, it was even more difficult for me to handle because I didn’t know how to cope with it at the time. Now that I’m a bit older, I’ve learned calming strategies. I have a better idea of what will help and what won’t. I really try not to have a meltdown. But when I do, it’s not because I want to. And it’s not something I do to get attention.

6. I don’t mean to be annoying. I’ve apologized for this so much in my lifetime. In fact, I’ve probably annoyed some people by apologizing for being annoying. Sometimes I’m annoying because I don’t realize I am being so. Sometimes it’s because if I don’t say or do something right that second, I will feel like I’m about to explode. I really don’t like that I’m annoying.

7. I am on the spectrum. I know I don’t seem like I am on the spectrum to most people. I don’t fit their usual stereotypes. I make wonderful eye contact. I am very social. I can speak very well. I’m so independent with so many things…but it hasn’t always been this way. It’s taken years of hard work to get to this point, and I’m still working on things you may never know about. Isn’t that what everyone wanted: for me to be able to function (mostly) independently through everyday life?

These are just a few of the things that I wish people would remember about me as an adult on the autism spectrum. I can’t speak for anyone else.

864
864
TOPICS
, Contributor list, Video
JOIN THE CONVERSATION

5 Ways Autism Makes Me Unique

133
133

If you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism. Every person who has autism is unique in his or her own ways. Here are 5 of mine.

1. I am able to accomplish anything I put my mind to. Autism has given me an amazing ability to focus on my special interests and never quit. My grandma, Helen Olmsted, was an accomplished author of three published books and wrote and directed over a hundred murder mystery plays. I also desired to be a published author and see my book in Barnes & Noble. I wrote a three hundred page book on theology and my book proposal was rejected by over 20 publishers. I had invested over 1,500 hours writing the book. Instead of giving up my dream, I wrote a second book, “A Parent’s Guide to Autism,” and on April 5, Charisma House published it.

The only difference between a successful person and a failure is a successful person rises one more time than he or she falls.

2. I sound like a Transformer. Autism caused my speech to be delayed, and my brother Chuck at 7 years old bragged to his friends, “My brother sounds weird; he speaks Norwegian!” When I was a sophomore in high school, I was chatting on the phone with a girl who asked me, “Why does your voice lack inflections? You sound like a Transformer.” I had a crush on her and felt embarrassed by her question. In interviewing others with autism in the process of writing my book, I discovered I was not the only Transformer on the planet. We on the spectrum are more than meets the eye.

3. I love to follow routines, and have never missed a scheduled day of work. At the beginning of 2010 NFL season I purchased two tickets for Brett Favre’s final game at Ford Field in Detroit. Brett’s consecutive start streak had reached 309 games. On Monday night, December 13, 2010, Brett’s streak ended due to an injury to his right shoulder. I like to joke, “If Brett Favre had autism he would’ve never allowed any shoulder injury to break his streak.”

The day after Christmas, 2014, I woke up an hour before my shift and felt horrible from bronchitis. I did not want to break my iron streak of never missing a day of work. My concrete thinking reasoned, “If a nurse sends me home for being contagious, my streak will continue because I showed up for work.” I put on my gray scrubs outfit and stumbled to my Ion. I felt dazed as I drove the five miles to work. My head was spinning faster than the roundup ride at the State Fair.

When I entered the conference room, I said to the charge nurse, “I feel like I am about to pass out; please take my temperature.” After placing the thermometer in my ear, she exclaimed, “Your temp is 103. I’ll call the supervisor and tell him you need to go home immediately.” My consecutive streak continued.

4. I have never had a credit card. Autism causes me to have obsessive compulsive behavior, so I have never dared own a credit card. When I order an item online I have my wife use her card. About 25% of adults with Asperger’s have clinical signs of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD.) Thus a credit card could have devastating financial results for us.

5. I have a savant ability for memory. Only about 10 percent of autistics belong in the savant category, though most savants are autistic. I can quote word perfect over 10,000 Scriptures including 22 complete books of the New Testament and over 5,000 quotes. While in college, this gift enabled me to mentor and intern under internationally known TV evangelist Dr. Jack Van Impe.

When you meet someone who has autism, remember that each one of us has his or her own unique gifts. As Temple Grandin states, “I am different but not less.”

Follow Ron’s journey on Spectrum Inclusion.

The Mighty is asking the following: What’s one thing people might not know about your experience with disability, disease or mental illness, and what would you say to teach them? Check out our Submit a Story page for more about our submission guidelines.

133
133
TOPICS
, Contributor list
JOIN THE CONVERSATION

To the Dads Who Raise a Loved One on the Autism Spectrum

2k
2k

To the dads who raise a loved on the autism spectrum,

Jim Valvano once said, “My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.” And that’s where my story begins with this letter to you today.

When I was 4 I was diagnosed with autism. Through all the uncertainties the diagnosis would bring my family, the one thing my dad always remembered to do was believe in my abilities. The unconditional love he provided me has made a lasting impact in my life.

When my dad recently retired, I was asked to say a few words. I said he had become my hero for the supports and services he provided me when the schools wouldn’t give them to me. When we had to fight for an out-of-district placement, he led that charge as well. My dad cared, and through that care he also became one of my best friends.

Now I work to share the lessons my dad taught me with other dads in our community. When I speak to parent groups, a common message we discuss is how any man can be a father but it takes someone special to be a dad.

So for all the dads who raise a loved on the spectrum, thank you.

Thank you for going above and beyond for your children.

This Father’s Day please know we appreciate everything you do. Your impact will move mountains for your child. We can’t thank you enough for that.

And to my dad, I love you with all my heart and always will. Thank you for bringing me in this world and giving me the opportunities to shine. I hope to follow by example when I’m a dad one day.

This post first appeared on KerryMagro.com.

The Mighty is asking the following: What’s one thing you want to make sure the special needs dad in your life knows? Check out our Submit a Story page for more about our submission guidelines.

2k
2k
JOIN THE CONVERSATION

Real People. Real Stories.

7,000
CONTRIBUTORS
150 Million
READERS

We face disability, disease and mental illness together.