The Questions That Haunt Someone With Anxiety and Depression
Anxiety and depression are hard to endure. Sometimes, you start asking the bittersweet question, “Am I good enough?”
Am I a good enough friend, daughter, mother, father, brother or sister? Am I good enough at my job, hobbies and passions? Am I good enough to be loved, respected and helped?
Am I good enough to be alive?
This question has plagued me for most of my life, though it’s become more prevalent in the past 16 years. I always had to have something to prove. I wanted to show I was good enough to family and friends, whether through excelling in school or with weight loss. I needed to feel like people had a reason to be proud of me because, regardless of what anyone told me, in my mind I thought, “Surely no one will love me for the person I am.”
I felt so alone when I went through these episodes. If I received a B on a test, I cried because it meant I wasn’t good enough for an A. When I struggled with student teaching, I convinced myself I was worthless and no one could possibly learn from me. Worse, I started to associate my worth with my weight. Each pound I lost meant I was worth more. Each pound I gained meant I was worthless.
I beat myself up constantly, which made the depression and anxiety even worse. I honestly thought there was something wrong with me. There were days the stress of those emotions were so strong I didn’t want to be alive, and that’s when I knew I needed help.
I started therapy much too late in my life. I waited until I broke emotionally and physically before I finally sought help. Even then it was about two years before I found someone who connected with me. One of our greatest challenges is helping me develop a sense of self-worth and realize that, yes, I am enough. I’m enough because I breathe, think and live. No one has a right to tell me I’m worthless, including myself.
It’s so easy to beat yourself down when you’re depressed or anxiety-ridden. In the darkest moments, your mind insists, “You shouldn’t feel this way. You should be stronger. You should be able to handle it without help. You don’t deserve help, love or friendship.”
Those are all lies. Your mind is belittling you and taking away your self-worth. I’ve tried to teach myself to focus on the good, to remind myself I’m someone and deserve happiness.
I’m worthy of love.
I’m worthy of help.
I’m worthy enough to be alive.
It’s difficult to convince yourself of this at times because those voices in the back of your mind may never seem to go away. One thing that may help is to think, “Would I say these things to my friends? Would I say they’re unworthy of love and help if they’re struggling?” No. You’d encourage them to take care of themselves. Why not accept self-care for yourself?
If you ever have these doubts or fears, then, please, find someone to support and love you because you don’t have to do this alone. You aren’t alone. There are plenty of people out there who feel the same way, me being one of them. You are enough. You are more than enough.
You are worthy of love.
You are worthy of help.
You are worthy enough to be alive.