To the People Who See Me as 'Bitter' Over My Crohn's Disease
Considering I have been diagnosed with an incurable disease like Crohn’s, I feel I have every right to be upset, and often, that’s how I decide to cope with my issues. If you were put in my shoes sometimes, you would be troubled too. I am struggling with a poor prognosis from medical doctors. There’s no easy fix.
But to the outside world, I am “bitter” or “derisive.”
I have every right to be angry about my issues because they are a major ordeal to me, lest you forget they are mine to deal with.
On to the outsider, I’m “needy” and “negative.”
Truthfulness about my disease is not negativity. Imagine your life with an ailment or illness of any kind. Imagine how it would affect you, and how it would affect other participants in your life. These diseases and illnesses don’t just happen, they happen to you and to your family — you do not get a choice. For two plus years, I’ve dealth with feeling bad, fatigue, night sweats, headaches, skin sores, joint pain, vomiting, stomach cramps, insomnia, and overall bowel issues. They’re the worst. On top of that is the stress and worry that comes with living with these issues every day.
My body hurts, and my mind gets tired.
I look at myself in the mirror and I find problems that weren’t there the day before. I look at my Crohn’s body, trying to see if there are any visible signs of my illness, for sores, for pain, for bruises. I live in my bathroom most days. I try to keep up with my problems and symptoms because I know they’ll up and vanish on the day of my appointment (go figure). Most days I won’t even eat until dinner, and I haven’t been able to keep that down lately because my stomach just feels wrong. I have to worry about having issues in public, at any given time. I want to not be embarrassed to show my face or skin, and I want to be able to feel “well.”
To some, staying at home and not working would be an ideal lifestyle, but they have no idea what I am dealing with every day.
Every. Single. Day.
These issues are a big deal to my family and my future, and they can lead to even more problems, like emergency surgeries or hospital stays.
But on the outside, I’m just “angry” and “dramatic.”
These are issues I am going to have to live with for the rest of my life, and these issues have changed so much of my life already. When you have an issue like mine, time will not help and time will not fix me, medication and doctors can only help to an extent.
But on the outside, I’m just “sick” and “expect something from the world.”
I’m young, but I know this will always be a part of my future. That’s why I’m bothered. I am afraid these issues will never get better.
But to the outsider, I’m just “snide” and “unpleasant.”
To the outsider, I’m “scathing” and “harsh.”
I have every right to be cross. I am afraid nothing can be right within my body. I have every right to be bitter and concerned by my circumstances. I know it could be worse, but I have every right to worry about what’s next. I have every right to dwell on my symptoms because that’s my life.
But to the outsider, I’m just “perturbed” and “anxious.”
Like others with chronic illnesses, I can’t control it and I didn’t cause it. This struggle is what we get to look forward to for the rest of our lives. This struggle is what I get to look forward to for the rest of my life. So what if I’m bitter? I might be.
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