What Depression Tells Me You're Thinking About Me

Depression lies to me. I believe the lies. I am trying to move past the lies and to ask for your help. Today, I am choosing not to believe the lies and to try and help you understand. Depression tells me no one cares and I am alone. Today, I do not believe the lies.

Depression is like being in a dark place, not at the bottom, not at the top. It is an undefinable pit. I am somewhere in the middle, with no light, wind or sound. I am exhausted, trying to fight my way out but all my energy is sapped from trying. I have no energy left to fight my way free. The exhaustion is overwhelming, endless, consuming.

I yearn to give up and I begin to listen to the only thing I hear, that I am worthless and there is no hope. The exhaustion is nearly as great as the darkness, threatening to consume me. There is this glimmer of my former self telling me this is not real, that I am worthy of a fight, but then the loneliness takes hold again. The darkness prevails. All I can think is I cannot do this any longer and I pray I don’t wake up.

I have no idea what you are really thinking about me, but I can tell you what I believe you are thinking. I can tell you what depression tells me you are thinking. Depression tells me you have no respect for me anymore. You wonder, “What happened to her?” She used to be so strong. You are afraid of me because I am unstable. You are afraid to reach out because you don’t know what to say.

Depression tells me my pitiful attempts at crying for help leave you cold and afraid of me. Depression tells me you think I am like the boy who cried wolf and you are rolling your eyes thinking, “What now?” whenever there is contact from me. Depression tells me you think I am ridiculous. I have a good life and you cannot see any reason why I have let you down and why I cannot just be happy. Depression tells me you have completely given up on me.

As someone who I love and cherish, I want you to know what I need from you. I need for you to believe in me. Have faith I don’t want to be here and I am trying. Believe I am seeking help and doing what professionals are asking of me. I need for you to not put me on a back burner and forget about me.

Remember who I used to be and who I long to be. Remember when you used to respect me and were proud of me.  Please, know the worst of all of this for me is the loneliness, the feeling I am completely alone in my darkness. There is no one who cares. I am begging you to help me keep fighting and to not give up one me. I love you and I need you in my life.

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