What I Really Mean When I Say 'I'll See You Tomorrow'
It doesn’t seem like much when someone says to you “I’ll see you tomorrow.” It’s a statement we hear quite often. Different people say it to us every day in differing contexts. Lovers, friends, colleagues, family. It’s a statement we probably don’t think twice about after we hear it.
When I say it, I am making a lasting statement that carries into the following day.
Many people do not know or understand what it is like to feel the overwhelming desire to not want to exist anymore. Notice how I did not state I am suicidal. I do not want to self-harm. I have no plans.
Quite simply, I just don’t want to exist. I don’t want to slap on the fake smile. I don’t want to seem well-adjusted and go to work and be the worker bee. I don’t want any of it.
This is a hard feeling to explain to the masses. When I say I don’t want to exist, people go into a flurry of activity around me. More people are called, questions are asked. Do I need to be admitted? How long have I been feeling this way? The answer is most days for the last 10 years. The answer is since my rape. The answer is since I lost myself. The answer is that existing to me means walking through a space I don’t recognize or understand, and I find it exhausting, confusing, and disheartening. The answer is ever since I realized I am just trying to figure out how to survive and can acknowledge and accept I am not truly living yet.
Yet. The key word is yet.
I don’t want to give up. In my heart of hearts, I want to keep fighting. Are there days where I struggle to see the positive? Where I struggle to do my assignment from my therapist, which is make a list of the things and people I’m grateful for? Yes. Do I get concerned I am too damaged to relate to anyone? Does that make it hard for anyone to get to know me? Absolutely. I understand I wear my experiences like a coat of armor. It’s become hard to shed.
When I say I’ll see you tomorrow, I am acknowledging I am fighting against the feeling of not wanting to exist. It means I am still fighting for normalcy. I am a fighting survivor. I am fighting to have a happy and healthy life in whatever way, shape or form that takes. When I say I’ll see you tomorrow, I am thanking you for having patience with me, for showing me grace and kindness through the day if I was rough or short with you.
When I say I’ll see you tomorrow, it means I saw hope in today.