5 Lies Mania Told Me (and 5 Things That Actually Happened)

I was watching a documentary about the effects of crystal meth. One of the people with the addiction described how she (on a meth high) spent three days, non-stop, cleaning her entire house. When her high subsided, she realized she’d only spent a couple of hours cleaning a single smudge on a table. Sadly, this is the best way I can describe my mania. It can make me feel productive, and confident, and goddamn invincible. But when the episode is over, I’m left with nothing. Everything I thought I’d been achieving is bullshit. It’s frustrating. You spend so much time and energy on all these things and then what, have nothing to show for it? Nothing. It’s like running a marathon in one spot.

• What is Bipolar disorder?

My mania lies to me. It convinces me to do nonsensical and potentially dangerous things without thinking about the consequences. Mania is like a drunk best friend…who’s trying to kill you.

I have type 2 bipolar and here are some of the lies my mania tells me:

1. Write your memoir. Write it. You’re writing it. You’ve written half of it already. Oh my god, you’ve written your memoir.

Truth: Wrote “nrovwndiefhui” in a Google doc.

2. Don’t stop talking. If your friend talks, talk louder. He doesn’t mind. He loves being interrupted. Just keep talking.

Truth: He does mind and he doesn’t love it.

3. Read all the books.

Truth: Even if I did read them, I wouldn’t have remembered what they were about.

4. Accomplish all the goals from your five-year plan in one day. You can do it. It is very possible. 

Truth: Don’t even have a five-year plan.

5. If you fall asleep now, then you won’t be able to write your memoir and talk to your friend and read all your books and accomplish all your goals so do not fall so DO NOT FALL ASLEEP STAY AWAKE FOREVER. DO EVERYTHING. IT IS VERY POSSIBLE.

Truth: I stay awake, but don’t do anything.

This post originally appeared on Medium. You can follow Amanda Rosenberg on Twitter@AmandaRosenberg.