A Transcript From the 2016 Depression Olympics

Commentator 1: Welcome back to the 2016 Depression Olympics, where you’re joining us live at the Women’s “Getting Out Of Bed” Final.

Commentator 2: And what a final we have for you today. We have some strong contenders from the U.S., U.K., South Korea and Hungary, all vying for that sweet Depression Gold. We heard just this morning that the Swedish team has been banned from the competition after testing positive for feeling positive. A real shame.

Commentator 1: It really is. But now, all eyes are on Team Great Britain’s surprise choice, Amanda Rosenberg.

Commentator 2: That’s right, after a successful run at London’s 2012 “I’m Fine” Tournament, Rosenberg failed to qualify at the World Anxiety Championships last year. She placed sixth in “Crying at Work,” fifth in “Crying Everywhere Else,” and eighth in “Sitting Alone in the Dark While Thinking of the Worst Things.” Arguably, her strongest event.

Commentator 1: Let’s hope she’s up to the challenge when we return after these messages.

[commercials for six hours]

Commentator 1: And we’re back. This is it. Amanda Rosenberg for Team Great Britain.

Commentator 2: She’s starting with the classic Head Under the Covers. There’s a little bit of movement, so there’ll be a deduction for that. Really breaks the illusion of death, and that’s what the judges are going for.

Commentator 1: Here’s the first peep… looks around… and a smooth transition back under the covers. Nicely done.

Commentator 2: And now for the “No’s!”  The trick is to start by saying them quietly then build to a crescendo. Here’s the first “No!” soft…distressed…nice…a little harsher…good…and now we’re getting to the last “No!”  loud and with a cry at the end. So pained. Magnificent. This is text. book. crying.

Commentator 1: And she goes straight into Stare at the Ceiling and Contemplate Death. This move requires maximum concentration and sadness…and…and it looks like…..yes! She’s clearly numb and wants to die! A real pro.

Commentator 2: It’s like watching her back in 2008 where she stormed it at the Beijing Bipolars.

Commentator 1: Next up, the Stay Here for Three More Hours. It’s important that we see some self-loathing here.

Commentator 2: It ain’t great if you don’t hate, ain’t that right?

Commentator 1: Yes it ain’t.

[three hours pass]

Commentator 1: OK. Preparing for her final dismount…a triple twist and turn in the sheets, she launches herself. 

Commentator 2: And yes! Rolled onto the floor face first… absolutely stuck that landing. She has got the be happy with that. And by happy, I mean distraught.

Commentator 1: Watch out, South Korea! Rosenberg is back and more depressed than ever.

Commentator 2: She got an impressive amount of  air in that dismount despite gaining 30 pounds from Abilify.

Commentator 1: There is very little to critique in this routine. It had everything you could want — darkness, misery, with just a touch of existential dread. Flawless, absolutely flawless.

Commentator 2: And I think the judges agree with you there…9000 points! That puts her at the top!

Commentator 3: Amanda. A stunning routine and 9000 points. How do you feel?

Amanda Rosenberg: I’m fine.

Commentator 3: What a pro!

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