To the Boy Who Wants to Get to Know Me

If there is one thing I’m really good at, it’s blending in. I walk slowly and speak quietly. I avoid eye contact and sit between strangers so as to never engage in a conversation. I know I hide from the world very well. So I’m not sure how you keep seeing me through the woods I call my insecurities.

I hide in the corner for a reason. Although I am not ashamed of my illness, the world is ashamed of me. My aim is to hide my illness from you because I don’t think you could deal with all the ups and downs my bipolar brings. Perhaps you haven’t read my blog. It will show you the real me. The me I cannot express when I stand in front of you.

You don’t know my name, and you shouldn’t. My emotions are a raging storm that act like a dormant volcano. One day there is nothing and the next day everything is destroyed.

How do I tell you I have bipolar? That my depression leaves me crying naked on the floor. The darkness comes creeping in and takes a hold of my mind. It refuses to let me sleep and is jealous of all my friends. It isolates and weakens me. Trust me when I say, you don’t want to know my name. Because when the darkness comes I will become a burden to your spirit, using your light to hide my darkness, using your voice because I have lost mine.

I am afraid to get too close to you because of what I do to everyone I love. My hands are ice cold from years of wiping away my own tears. I do not know if I have the capacity to love you because I struggle to love myself on most days. I look in the mirror and see a shadow. So I cannot understand when you say I am beautiful.

I have asked you on many occasions to not fall in love with me, as the elements of my soul cannot be seen in the frown lines of my face. I am afraid because most people do not know how to love someone like me, someone who’s moods are unpredictable and often volatile. I am afraid of being loved — because I don’t think I know how to love.


The Girl Who Is Afraid To Be Loved


Related to Bipolar Disorder

Living With Bipolar Disorder: The 3 Parts of Being 'OK'

Any day I can get out of bed and make more than a single phone call, I am doing great. I have lived through intense highs and deep lows that together were a personal hell. Such is my experience of bipolar disorder. I lived through it, I live with it and I grow from it. Mettle has [...]

Real People, Real Stories: Life With Bipolar Disorder E-Book

Real People, Real Stories: Life With Bipolar Disorder is a collection of 10 powerful stories from people in our Mighty community who live with bipolar disorder. Click below to download the e-book: Download our E-Book The book contains the following stories: I’m an Olympian, Former Escort and Now – a Mental Health Advocate by Suzy Favor Hamilton To [...]

The Scary Statistic About Bipolar Disorder That Needs to Be Addressed

I have done some research about my illness. I learned that 1 in 5 people die by suicide. Those are scary statistics when you think about it. It means I have a pretty good chance of not watching my children grow up. I could miss out on the first day of school, proms, graduation, weddings and [...]
mother and daughter kissing

To the People Who Question Why I Talk to My Daughters About My Bipolar Disorder

This is a controversial topic. Some people say I am wrong for sharing details of my illness with my children. Some people see this as me “not protecting” them from my illness. Some say I should never have had children as a woman with bipolar disorder, which can be hereditary. To all those people, I [...]