What the Hypomanic Phase Feels Like for Me
This is what it feels like for me to be hypomanic. I word it that way because it affects every one differently, but this is my interpretation in the best way I know how to describe it.
It feels like I am in fast forward.
I feel like I finally have energy again, but it’s too intense.
I’m whizzing around at the gym, at work, on the road, like I can’t get somewhere fast enough, and it makes me impatient.
I can’t sit still, and I have butterfingers, dropping and tossing stuff, slamming doors and cabinets without even trying.
I’m distracted, and my thoughts are sporadic. I think about one thing and before I even finish that thought I am on to another one because that previous thought made me think of something else and it just cycles round and round with all these different thoughts that are completely irrelevant and pointless. (Notice the run-on sentence there?) Sometimes I dwell on silly stuff.
But it feels good. Except for the paranoia that other people are talking about me behind my back, or me thinking others can tell I’m different. I have to tell myself to “act normal,” like I did something wrong or suspicious and I don’t want to get caught.
Sounds are louder, lights are brighter, I can feel energy all around me. I feel like I can do anything! Like right now, I am so inspired and motivated that I feel like I could write a book, or write songs and send them to famous artists who will applaud my work. I know these things may never happen, but my brain is telling me they can and will. I have grandiose ideas about my abilities and creativity.
I’ll probably come home and be super mom/wife. I’ll cook and clean and put the little one to bed and feel accomplished. It’s a nice comeback from not having the energy to even sit in a chair.
But there’s always a downside. I don’t need as much sleep so it’s hard for me to fall asleep at night. More thoughts about things that aren’t real, more racing thoughts that bounce from positive to negative and everywhere in between. The energy is great for the time being, but eventually it will catch up to me and I’ll slip into a breakdown again.
I’d really like to stay up all night getting stuff done. Cleaning, organizing, art stuff. If I didn’t have anything to do the next day I would do that and just sleep it off the day after. But I have to be smart enough to know when I need to go to bed.
I want to plan a party or get together. I want to redo my mom cave. There’s so much I want to get done that I don’t have the energy for when I’m stable or depressed. I wish I could take advantage of the time I have, but I can’t.
So, I’ll just sit here, bouncing my knees and chewing on my lips trying so hard to sit still as to not appear too hyper. I’ll just sit here and wait it out, like I always do.
This too, shall pass.
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