The Question I Fear Most When I'm Discharged From Inpatient

I can say I’ve had my share of being in an inpatient psychiatric facility. It’s not something I wish to continue to happen. The sad part, though, is I’m used to it — not just the hospitalizations but the chaos that occurs surrounding the hospitalizations.

The truth is, when I actually feel even an hint of happiness, it’s uncomfortable. It’s not that I don’t want to be happy — because I absolutely do — but it’s an emotion I’m just not that used too. Same thing applies when things in my life are actually going well — when I’ve lived in one place for a full year, or had less physically intense pain days, or have no conflict in my relationships.

The hospital can be a form of escape to leave behind the “real world,” even if it’s just for three to five days. It can be a place, the only place where I feel the most connection to people. Or, most importantly, it can be a place where I can be safe and not have to see “weapons” of harm all around me.

When the doctor discharges me, normally I’m excited and eager to leave the controlled setting where I’ve really had no independence, mainly because I eventually get tired of being in that type of environment. But later that night and over the next week I start to miss those things listed above of.

I’ve met a lot of incredible people in inpatient who have touched my life in many amazing ways. To tell you the truth, it’s not about transitioning home or about being in a psychiatric hospital… I think what’s more difficult is figuring out where I belong in this world, what my passions/ambitions are, and what I’m going to be able to do in this life. The question that brings me the most fear is this: What will I actually be capable of when I’m healthy? And what will that look like? Because the heart of the matter is it’s based almost fully on the unknown. For now all I can do is take it day by day and trust that one day I will be fully ready to face it and have the eagerness I have when I do leave inpatient — and hold onto that eagerness that drives my motivation into something bigger and more indescribably beautiful than I could ever have imagined.

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