The Isolation of an Adult With Autism Who Grew Up Without Support
At this time of the year I begin to feel a little sadness. In the summer I love being outside and talking to people, whether they want to talk to me or not. Now summer is over, and we have cooler weather and colder nights. This means people can use the weather as an excuse not to stop and hold a conversation with me. Colder weather means more time spent indoors, especially in the evening and at night, and when I’m inside for too long I feel a certain level of isolation.
I know a lot of people and I have friends, but I still feel isolated at times. I care about my friends, but many of them are busy with their kids. They have a deep love for their kids that I have never experienced. A lot of my friends have parents whom they care deeply about and brothers and sisters they have bonded with.
Those who have lost their parents or a family member will often feel sadness from time to time because they miss them. My friends care about me, but their family will always come first. They will make big sacrifices and do anything they can just to see their loved ones smile.
I never got a chance to build a caring relationship with my parents. I was an only child so I didn’t have brothers or sisters to bond with. I was born with differences, and so it was hard for me to connect with my peers because we were not on the same level. All of this left me alone and isolated. When I made friends I started to care deeply about them because I was never allowed to deeply care about anyone else before.
Being around others and having intelligent conversations often takes my mind off my problems. It is not easy to live with the challenges of my autism spectrum disorder, and it is not always easy to live in an adult body while at times feeling like a kid. What is even harder is dealing with these things alone without a kind, caring and supportive loved one. The hardest part about my life is trying to heal my wounds from the years of abuse I dealt with, and dealing with it alone. Imagine going through life having no one to protect you, no one to defend you, no one to speak up for you and no one to comfort you. Imagine being trapped in your own little world and not having anyone take the time to enter your world just to make an attempt to try to see the world through your eyes.
When you are on the autism spectrum, you may live in an intense world, you may have intense feelings and you may have an excellent memory. When you have an autism spectrum disorder you may be a visual and direct person. You may need to see, feel and hear. You may need direct instructions because everything that is common sense to everyone else is not always common sense to you.
There are times my feelings get the best of me — times I lose control of my actions and times my brain gets overloaded to the point it shuts down.
As I watch TV and hear people talk, certain things trigger memories from my past or stir up questions or thoughts. As much as I would like to forget my past I can’t. I can remember everything good and bad as clear as the day it happened, even if it was 30 years ago.
When I hear people brag about their kids sometimes, I can’t help but wonder how they developed such a strong love. When I hear people talk about how great their parents are, I can’t help but wonder why that person is so special that they gained the love of their parents. In the end it leaves me wondering why my life had to be the way it is.
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