To the Girl I 'Gave Up on' During Her Battle With Depression
I’m sorry. I really am.
The fact is I didn’t know what to do. We both live with severe depression, and my fear was through you seeing my dark days, through me seeing yours and how much you hurt, that at some point I would find I had missed something crucial and had lost you permanently.
You want me to be honest? I didn’t know what to do. And despite being the person who still rallies and fights for others to open up and get help, I couldn’t even admit I didn’t know how to help you. Maybe I forgot to ask how. No. I definitely did.
From those summer days when I could barely get myself out of your bed to those times I was too scared to tell you I was barely holding on because I feared you cared too much about me, I could only question if this was all I could offer you in support.
At times like those, we forget our true worth — that merely being there is something. That actually making the attempt to show up can be all we need, and that we don’t have to be — nor can we be — the white knights coming through to save the day.
Because as much as we want that, as much as we want someone to come in and ease the pain, they can’t. It has to come from within. It has to start with us. We have to realize our resiliency does not depend on another person, but rather ourselves — and that we can still be with someone and still support someone who understands because of their own scars.
The fact is, all I wanted to do was support you, and I wasn’t able to. And despite you and I both still feeling like I gave up on you, please know I never have, nor ever will.
I still cheer for you from afar, and I still fight with all I can to demand the services we both need, because I don’t want you to have to wait as long as you did to get them.
And though I may have failed in the past at being the support you wanted, know I will keep fighting for the support you need in the future.
For both of us.
Image via Thinkstock.
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A lover of people, pugs and poutine, Dexter is a first year Broadcast Journalism student in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada. He’s shared his battle with mental illnesses through a Tedx Talk and a speech at a joint session of the World Bank and WHO. He lives with dysthymia (chronic depression) and generalized anxiety disorder and believes in the power of storytelling.
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