When Depression Is the Ride You Didn't Choose to Be On

Although I can’t speak for everyone who battles with depression, I do know no one really knows what to expect when you’re living through it. I am definitely aware I am still foreign to my own demons.

The worst part of having depression is that it can hit suddenly, and extremely hard. I guess that’s the point of it — the unknowing and the general elusiveness of it. You can’t always pinpoint where it stems from and most people do not understand that part.

Now I guess that goes along with the everyday thoughts of a depressed person. It’s more of an endless wrap sheet that makes no sense, but happens.

The desire of “being normal” consumes you, and you begin hating yourself when it’s another “one of those days.” I hate that line sometimes. But that’s just how you have to explain the unexplainable sadness that’s taking over the day or days — since it’s never certain how long this time will last.

It’s an up and down rollercoaster every time, and you don’t get to choose this ride; you just live with it. It’s been six years since I’ve officially been diagnosed with depression and every day is a new experience for me. Every day I have to work hard just to make it through the day and every day I feel something different than the one before.

Don’t get me wrong — you can have your good days and when you do they are absolutely phenomenal. But depression is sneaky and you never know what side of yourself you’re going to get. That’s another part that kills you because it feels like you don’t get to have control over your life — your illness does. You’re a hostage in your own body and mind and you have to work so hard just to be alright with it.

Making light of the situation. Cliché but dead on.

Depression has a big influence on your emotions, actions and thoughts. Your thinking process changes subjectively and your drive for life is always different. When it kicks your butt, it really does and it feels so unbearably painful. Literally. You can feel the aching hole in your chest that seems almost unrepairable even though you know it can be temporarily patched up. Yet you know it’ll always be there.

The amount it drains out of you is wild and you can’t help but to hope you don’t lose yourself through the midst of it. Even though you never really knew yourself to begin with.

How do you worry about losing yourself when you can’t remember which part you even want to be?

For me, I just want to be happy with the life I’ve been given and not feel completely subjected to my depression and how it changes me constantly.

Sometimes it’s just too much and when you can’t comprehend it yourself, it can help when it flows out through written words.

Even though I can feel so low at times, I know my depression also makes me stronger. I’m beating the weaker side of myself and the days I rise above are the ones worth everything.

You can’t change a person who battles with depression, but you can help them by just loving them for who they are. The ugly truth isn’t so bad when you see the beauty behind it.

This post originally appeared on KeepxOnx.

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