sign that says your voice your vote

Why I Believe Voting Is Essential for My Adult Daughter With Autism

Although my daughter on the autism spectrum is 25, she has never voted in an election. Hopefully, the 2016 presidential election will be the first of many elections where Samantha will make her voice heard. Like many other parents of young adults on the spectrum, I have spent long years teaching Samantha millions of everyday activities so she could live as independently as possible. Somehow, politics and voting never made it onto my list of essentials — until now. Given the choice of voting for a Republican candidate who denigrates women, minorities and people with disabilities, or Hillary Clinton — who actually has proposed programs to support adults with autism — how can Samantha not vote?

My daughter’s future is at stake, and it’s my job as a parent to help her understand how to make the best and most informed choices. During past elections, I’ve already tried explaining the differences between Republicans and Democrats in the most basic terms, but Samantha’s eyes had glazed over. Nevertheless, she is able to dutifully repeat back to me that Republicans generally want less government, lower taxes and stand against abortion while Democrats generally believe in more government, higher taxes and support a woman’s right to choose. However, even these simplified differences between our political parties don’t seem to hold much real meaning for Samantha. Abstract concepts can be extremely difficult for my daughter to master, and she doesn’t seem motivated to persevere through the hard work necessary to understand unless she knows the abstract idea will connect with her own concrete experience in a meaningful way. When it comes to voting in an election, I believe the moment when Samantha needs to understand is now, fall of 2016. In the upcoming election, there will be no gray areas for people with disabilities like my daughter.

After more than a year of unsuccessfully trying to secure a competent, government-approved life skills (“community habilitation”) worker for Samantha, I have taken on this job myself. Today’s life skills lesson included helping Samantha register to vote. Thankfully, registering is a simple computer exercise. But the tricky part was explaining whyWhy register? Why bother straining to understand the pros and cons of presidential candidates? Why is the outcome of this particular election important, and how will it impact Samantha?

Right now the answer to those questions seems simple. For Samantha and others with disabilities, registering as Democrats can be a form of self-advocacy, and voting for Hillary Clinton is, to me, the only way to go. My daughter and her peers need help becoming independent, finding meaningful work and safe-but-dignified housing options. Living at home with her parents two years out of college, with no job and no prospect of finding a job, has turned an abstract concept (the importance of training and employing people with disabilities) into a concrete reality that my daughter grasps completely and fervently yearns to change. Now, like never before, Samantha knows she needs society’s support to fulfill her potential as an adult. A candidate like Hillary Clinton will at least try to support Samantha’s needs and promote her inclusion in the world. The opposition would cut existing programs and funding for the disabled, either ignoring or excluding this vulnerable minority.

Here’s my personal observation of the current political situation as it relates to Samantha and other adults with autism: Hillary Clinton wants to help you. She cares about you and others with disabilities. Clinton has proposed programs to help you make the transition from school to work. Donald Trump doesn’t want to spend the money to help you. He doesn’t appear to care enough about you and others with disabilities. He will not work to include you in the neurotypical adult world. Helping people with disabilities costs money, and he wants to save money.

My daughter and other adults with disabilities have grown up with a bone-deep understanding of bullies. What they may not yet realize is that some bullies (like Trump) never grow up. Some bullies remain self-centered and heartless, even as they acquire wealth and power. People with disabilities need to pay attention, because a big bully is trying to come into power now. Powerful bullies can most definitely hurt people. But if you see a bully who’s running for president, you can certainly cast your vote against him, exercising your own power to push back.

I believe young adults on the spectrum can learn many important life lessons by participating in this election. First and foremost, voting is an opportunity to exercise and express independence as an adult. Voting is a valuable opportunity for those who are often marginalized to make their voices heard. Further, participation in the political process can help people with communication issues feel included in important conversations. Even a simple political discussion can be an opportunity for Samantha to become passionate and enthusiastic without being rude or offensive. As she learns to think about what’s best for her and the world, she is asking more questions and becoming a more active listener. Her vocabulary is increasing, and maybe she will begin to better distinguish truth from lies. I’d like to see the day when my daughter comes to realize that people who disagree with us are not necessarily wrong, but they may simply hold a different perspective. I hope Samantha will realize that sometimes the best and only solution in extreme arguments is to agree to disagree.

Editor’s note: This story reflects an individual’s experience and is not an endorsement from The Mighty. We believe in sharing a variety of perspectives from our community.

Image via Contributor.

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Toys "R" Us to Offer Quiet Holiday Shopping Hour for Customers on Autism Spectrum

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Coping With Grief as an Autistic Adult

Whether neurotypical or on the autism spectrum, we often avoid the topic of grief like it doesn’t exist. Unfortunately, it does exist, and when faced with it, the pain — emotional and physical — is overwhelming.

The emotional pain can and does manifest itself in various ways. It can be so overwhelming that you feel frozen in time, like you are on the outside of life looking in at a world you no longer feel part of. At times you feel like you are having an out-of body experience — going through the motions of life, but you are not really there.

People think those of us on the autism spectrum don’t have emotions, yet the complexity and depth of emotions I’ve gone through after my mom died is massive. It is overwhelming and consuming. It can depend on the depth of the relationship you had with the person who died. It can feel like a part of you dies, too. You might never feel the same ever again.

One day I was watching an interview with Olivia Newton-John on TV. I hadn’t seen her in many years. Had they not had the banner across the bottom of the screen with her name on it, I would never have recognized her. Her entire face looked different. Then I realized what it might have been. She welled up with tears as she started talking about losing her sister to cancer. She proceeded to say they were extremely close their entire lives and she was her best friend. Olivia’s eyes told the depth of her grief. I could see an empty, gnawing pain in her eyes.  The sorrow, the feeling of being so very lost. Her voice trembled, as did her entire body. I recognized it clearly. I’d been living with it for seven months at that point. It is a struggle to write about it, because it causes me to relive the most intense pain all over again.

One thing is for sure. As a human being, at some point in your life, you will experience grief. No one is exempt. Even when it is expected, the pain is not lessened. And worst of all, there are no words that make it feel better. But you can be comforted by listening to others talk about their grief because then you don’t feel so alone. You realize other people are experiencing all the things you are. Maybe not on the same level of intensity, but some degree of it.

There are, of course, factors that can affect your level of grief. The biggest factor is the intensity of the relationship you had with the person who died. If they were the most significant person in your life, you will experience emotions you never even dreamed possible. I have also learned from two grief counselors I occasionally talk to about other factors. If you had a troubled relationship with the person who died, for example, you might feel a whole different realm of emotions.

My mom was my best friend for 54 years. We were never apart for more than a few days during all those years. We were inseparable. We thought exactly alike. She was on the autism spectrum as well. We could finish each other’s sentences. She was my sole support system and was there for all the good times and all the bad ones. She guided me through thick and thin. I relied on her for guidance, and even though I’d disagree at times, I knew she’d be right in the end. She always wanted the best for me and spent her entire life devoted to me for everything. This, as I’ve come to learn, is not uncommon in the lives of autistic children. I’d call her endless times during the day during every opportunity I had. While I was at work in the operating room, she knew never to call me unless it was some dire emergency.

In earlier years before she became too ill to even walk, we went everywhere together. She taught me from an early age how to savor each day. How to watch a sunrise and drink in the color palate that evolved before our eyes. We’d go on long walks when I was a little girl, and she would stop to pick up a leaf.  It would be fall, and all the leaves were in their full glory, bursting with color. She would point out the different shades of red on the leaf, its texture that felt like velvet and all the veins on the back of it. Each leaf was a work of art. When we walked in the snow, she pointed out how the surface of the snow appeared like millions of shimmering diamonds where the sun was shining on it. If it were sleeting, she’d stop and tell me to close my eyes and listen to the sound of the sleet coming down. She asked if I recognized the effect closing my eyes had on my sense of hearing.  My hearing became extremely intense with my eyes closed. The sound of the sleet was overwhelming. These are just the tip of our times together.

But no matter what was happening in my life, she was there experiencing it with me, supporting me and advising me. This was the only life I knew. I never had any friends. She was it. I knew the end was coming, but I just couldn’t face it.

A year before her last Christmas she announced to me that she knew it would be her last Christmas. I tried to brush her statement off, but somewhere deep inside my mind, I was worried sick that she would be right yet again. She was. That was her last Christmas. The following Christmas, I dreaded the holidays and wished they’d just disappear.

Being a caregiver can be a physically and emotionally draining job. The last eight months of Mom’s life were a struggle for both of us. She was on home oxygen round the clock, which necessitated having dozens of big oxygen tanks in the house. She used a wheelchair, and if I had to take her out to doctor’s appointments, it was with an oxygen tank on wheels too. I was averaging three hours of sleep per night. I was physically exhausted and mentally drained. I worried about her every second. I did everything I could to help her.

In the final days before she died, she spent her hours trying to give me the emotional strength she knew I was going to need to somehow survive without her. It was really sad, that there she was, dying, and trying to help me to the very end. When I wasn’t tending to her needs, I sat right next to her. I’d burst out crying, my head down, saying, “I don’t know how I’m going to get through it.” Of the many things she said, she kept coming back to making me promise to continue my work of helping others with autism. She wanted me to forge ahead and continue on my mission as an autism advocate. She was so worried I’d lose my focus. But I never did. Despite the tremendous pain and struggling I’ve been going through since she died, I’ve kept my fighting spirit and have continued to move along on my mission. I keep remembering her words and her making me swear that I would keep it all up. That doesn’t mean it’s been easy. In fact, it’s been the most difficult thing I’ve ever done.

In the immediate days after she died, what my body went through is quite difficult to begin to describe. The first day I was like a zombie. When I called the hospice nurse, two of then came right over. They called the funeral home, and within half an hour, two men came with the stretcher to get her. It was all surreal. I was present, but I felt like I was out of my body. I couldn’t stand up as my legs were like jelly. After they took my mom out of the house and the hospice people were gone, that’s when I really broke down. I went and laid on the hospital bed where she died on, and I just cried and cried until I felt like I was going to throw up or simply pass out. As I laid there, I started thinking of how having autism affected my whole response to the event. I didn’t want anyone to touch me. I know other people can be all about hugs during such happenings, but it made me cringe just seeing someone coming towards me, knowing they were going to hug me. I didn’t want to say anything to them not to hug me, but that only added to my pain.

I thought of other autistic people out there who were just like me, having no friends except their parent(s). And what were they going to do when that person dies? I thought of how sad our lives can be without a support system to rely on.

Each morning when I’d awaken after a fitful night’s sleep, my lungs felt as if they were filled with cement. That is truly the best description I can give to describe the extreme heaviness in my chest that was present. I couldn’t get myself to leave the house. I stayed home for the next three weeks. My co-worker whose son is autistic got a bunch of colleagues from work to bring me food during that time. If it were not for that food arriving each day, I guess I wouldn’t have eaten at all. When I wasn’t lying on that hospital bed crying, I spent a lot of time looking out my kitchen window at all the birds. I would go out the front door to put out the various bird seeds in the feeders and on the ground. All the birds and my animals were my therapy.

For those on the autism spectrum, losing a loved one at some point is a reality. Those involved in their lives need to start planning now for who will be the support system for that individual when the time comes. And it may never come for 50 more years. But for whenever it does come, you need to be prepared. You need to have someone who will be there to support you and is non-judgmental. Because we tend to not have endless friends and even other family members, and we need to figure out who that person can be.

Taking this a step farther, if the autistic person is not working, and they are living with their parent, then that parent dies, what then? At least I have a great career and can earn a living. Many cannot and are still living at home. We need to help these people get their lives in order. At the time when they’ll be at a total loss, they not only lose their support system, but they literally lose the roof over their head and their day-to-day life as they know it. Because we tend to thrive on routine, the one thing to help keep you going is to maintain as much routine as possible

Even when it was seven months after my mom had died, I was still in the shock and disbelief stages. I was able to compartmentalize my mind to be able to go to work and do my job. But everywhere I looked, there was a phone, and there was that urge to go “call Mom” to tell her something, check in on her or simply to say hi. Who would ever think that the sight of a phone puts a knife through my heart?

Another issue to deal with is what some people might say to you about your loss. I can write a book about what’s been said to me that truly blows me away. I try to tell myself they mean well, but I wish they would just say nothing at all. I also wish they wouldn’t touch me. Even during normal times, I don’t want to be touched, but then it was even more pronounced.

Your emotions swing all over the place every day, and you can experience multiple emotions at the same time. The best advice I can give everyone is start thinking about who your support person would become should you lose your only support person. Whether it’s a hospice grief counselor, a neighbor, friend, relative… you need to find someone to talk to. As silly as this may sound, even an animal can serve as your support system if you have a pet you love very much. I actually am writing a book about my cat that helped me get through those darkest hours and days and weeks. As I laid there crying, I had her right there with me. She knew something was terribly wrong; you could see it in her eyes. She would snuggle up to me as close as she could possibly get, put her face against mine and stay there purring, providing me with great comfort. I just pray for all individuals on the autism spectrum that they can have a support system in their lives when they need it most.

Something my mom always said was to look for the next day for things to get better. No matter how bad something seems, and you feel like you can’t go on another day, be patient and it will get better tomorrow. She was correct. At that point in time I felt as if my life was over. Each day was simply a struggle to get through. As the weeks and months passed, the ache of her absence didn’t lessen any. Yet something unexpected happened in my life.

Five months before my mom died, I met a fellow named Abraham when he attended one of my support group meetings. We had become immediate friends. Due to unusual circumstances, our communication was limited, yet we still were able to see each other a few times each month. He never got to meet my mom, because she didn’t want anyone to see her in her final months. However, my mom recognized that when I’d talk about Abraham, a twinkle came into my eyes. She brought up his name on the day she died, and said she hoped something would evolve with the two of us. As usual, she was right yet again.

Seven months later, my friendship with Abraham turned into a romantic one. The following Christmas Eve, he proposed to me under a star-filled sky. Nine months later, we got married at the Love & Autism Conference in San Diego, California. Of course I was teary-eyed on my wedding day that my mom wasn’t there to see me getting married. But in my heart I knew that was what she wanted for me, to finally find peace, comfort, and the love of my life.

There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think of her endless times a day. Now I look at the positives and remember all her words of guidance to help me make good decisions.  She is still here with me, in my heart forever more.

I’m coming up on our first wedding anniversary, and I’m living a happy life I never thought possible. It proved to me to always look to the next day for things to get better.

Image via Thinkstock Images

Young woman holding a toothbrush and placing toothpaste on it.

The Anguish of Brushing Your Teeth When You Have Sensory Issues

I hate brushing my teeth. That’s right. Almost 30 years old, masquerading as a fully functional member of society, and I still hate brushing my teeth.

I’ve always hated brushing my teeth, and I doubt that will ever change. Although as an adult, with more control of my own surroundings, I am finding more and more ways to make the intolerable tolerable.

My mother called me rebellious because I refused to brush my teeth and ran away when she tried to brush my hair. She made me sit through manicures and pedicures — procedures that were pure torture for me. I even bit a dentist once when he forced his finger into my mouth.

I’ve learned to deal with the day-to-day distractions, bright and humming florescent lights, intense smells and even dental appointments. There are lots of little tricks I’ve learned along the way.

Growing up undiagnosed was hard, but it prepared me for life in the real world. Despite my difficulties, I am grateful my mother did not coddle me and always encouraged me to “toughen up.” It forced me to develop useful coping mechanisms that allow me to blend in with society today.

Many of my more obvious autistic habits have faded away as I’ve grown up, morphing into more discrete and subtle eccentricities. I learned not to complain about things that don’t seem to bother “normal” people — pretending everything is OK even if it isn’t.

Despite all the tricks I’ve learned to help me go about living a “normal” life, brushing my teeth is something I may never learn to tolerate fully.

As long as I am using an electric toothbrush, I am sometimes able to get though a full 30 seconds of brushing before I have to stop to prevent myself from vomiting. Some days I can only tolerate 15 seconds of brushing. There are even days when I can’t handle brushing my teeth at all, but I always try.

Using a manual toothbrush or letting someone else brush my teeth is completely out of the question.

Some days I have to scratch my back to distract myself from the sensations inside my mouth. Scratching hard is the only way to draw my mind away from the sensations pulsing from the nerves in my teeth.

My body quivers, twitching, as goosebumps appear on my neck and arms. My brain feels frozen as all my focus goes into holding back my gag reflex in response to the sensations and strong flavor of toothpaste in my mouth.

It is painful when my brain gets stuck. I don’t think many people can understand the anguish of brushing your teeth when you have sensory issues. I’ve had many cavities in my life, but now that I can’t afford them I force myself to endure the torture.

No matter how how old I get, I may always hate brushing my teeth.

Follow this journey on Anonymously Autistic.

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Silhouette of a woman and two young children holding hands and dancing around outside, isolated against the sunset.

How Can Your Loved Ones Help Support Your Autistic Children?

His blond curls bounce in the sunlight as he is twirling in the sun. The arm flapping is a reminder that he is different. Seeming to be in his own world, he produces sounds that are familiar yet hard to distinguish. Adjacent to him is his sister. Her hair is twisted in knots from spinning it around her fingers. She carries vegetables and is nurturing them as if they were a doll to carry and care for. She connected to the movie “Veggie Tales” in a way that the garden vegetables became her playmates, never to be eaten.

These beautiful children see life differently. They experience life through a different lens. They are raised with patience and kindness. They are raised by two of the strongest parents I know. They carry the label of being autistic. They require constant care and attention.

I see this world through a different lens — not as the parent to these beautiful children but as their aunt. The world they live in is full of textures and experienced through the senses. Food carries a different meaning, and nutrition can be a struggle. Sleep rarely happens for both children and their dedicated parents. I have read articles on autism as well as conducted significant personal research. I have spent hours thinking about the theories that focus on and dissect autism. Those who have autistic children need those around them to understand.

I understand, but I want to help. I am here. I write this to parents of autistic children — if you have a moment where you feel like you are spinning from trying to do it all, pick up the phone and call a friend or family member. Though we are not living in the same day-to-day world, there are people who want to help.

Autistic children are a beautiful gift. As an aunt who adores her niece and nephews, I would like to hear from those connected to the autism community — how can loved ones help? What support do you need most? What would help you trust a loved one to help care for your autistic child?

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To the People I Trust to Care for My Son on the Autism Spectrum

There he was near the front while his school friends danced and clapped on stage. I saw my son sitting close to a class teacher’s assistant (TA), touching her face just like he does to me, his arm coming up and draping around her shoulders. She talked to him in hushed tones and smiled, reassuring him.

Another time, on sports day, I saw him as he sat on the grass bobbing up and down, flapping his hands and squealing. Then he looked at his teacher and smiled one of those beautiful smiles that takes you miles away.

And there was that time his personal assistant (PA) brought him home after an afternoon respite trip out, and as she walked back down our path, my son blew her a kiss.

I feel happy to catch these moments — and relieved.

My son can’t speak. He can’t tell me his favourite TA or about the time his teacher calmed him when he was anxious or the game his PA played that made him laugh. He can’t tell me if someone hurts him. I have no choice but to trust these people with my child. I have to trust they will learn his ways and know what his eyes are saying.

So how do I know if they are treating him like he deserves? Well, the answer is I don’t — not until I catch that time he drapes his arm around one of them or gives one of those smiles. Then I know he’s OK.

I feel relief flood through me, reassured that he seems to trust and love them. I take his lead because he knows more than me.

So thank you to the ladies who care for my son, for supporting him when he’s not with me.

Follow this journey on Nichola’s blog.

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