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The Ugly Inner Beast of Depression

Depression wants to take my life. It wants me in the corner, away from everyone so it can feed me lies about myself as well as others. I can’t honestly say I try to get rid of depression because it steals my motivation and my will to live.

In return, I humbly submit to it. Living with depression is like living with a creepy shadow. Everywhere I go it follows me with its daunting presence and its dark cloud. It rains insults and judgments on my head. In doing this, my head as fertilizer, then produces guilt, unhealthy suspicion of others, poor self-image, anxiety, social awkwardness and delusions about how other people see me.

Depression is forceful in that it does not ask for permission to wreak havoc on or in your life. It forces me to isolate due to a distorted way of thinking.

“You’re no good. No one loves you. Why are you still even alive? You are a burden.”

As much as I would like to challenge those distorted thoughts, they are constantly being hard-wired into my brain. Those thoughts come with agonizing inner pain and sorrow. Depression is dangerous when it accomplishes its goal to be the only voice you heed to.

I get away at times. However, the depression has an invisible cord attached to me. It will not let me get too far away from it. When it senses I am getting better on my meds, it somehow sneaks in to tell me I am fine, that nothing is wrong with me and I do not need medication. After much thought and much persuasion from this insidious disease, I listen to it and go off of my medication. Following this, it tells me, “See you don’t need it. You’re fine.”

The depression appears as a light in the darkness it created. Once I listen and let my guard down and it has full access, it pounces, sucking all of my energy, causing me to be unmotivated, telling me I am nothing, that people hate me and so on. Eventually, it shows itself and how it succeeded in deceiving me.

Oh, how I loath depression. The friend that befriends me against my will. The energy that thrives on sucking my energy. The culprit that caused me to lose my will to live. The ugly inner beast.

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