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'Something Isn’t Wrong With You, Something Happened to You'

Going through major depression is exhausting, terrifying and debilitating. I understand how you feel, isolated, like everyone around you is out there living, and you are just “existing.” And that’s OK, because you’re still here.

I’ve had major depression after a crisis of events that pushed me to the lowest point I have ever been in my life. It has been 34 days of a blur. I am on a mood stabilizer, a sleeping pill, a pill for panic attacks, vitamins because I can’t eat well and I go to therapy once a week. In the midst of all these changes, I am in my last semester of nursing school, a single mother and I am mentally and physically exhausted.

Depression is a horrible illness that takes over everything you do, your mind, your eating habits, your ability to get out bed… I know you feel so out of control of your thoughts and actions, because I feel the same way. I know how it feels to be doing everything “right” — getting on medication, therapy, trying to survive — and you still feel like something is wrong with you. But let me share these words with you: nothing is wrong with you, something has happened to you.

When my therapist first said these words to me, for the first time in weeks I felt a spark of belonging. The guilt the depression had put in my mind had subsided for a moment. I had kept repeating to myself, “I screwed everything up,” or “I just want to be alone because every time someone looks at me they can tell something is wrong with me.” All it took was someone reminding me I hadn’t caused all these things to happen — these circumstances had happened to me.

When you have depression it can be hard to think clearly. Of course I hadn’t caused all the horrible things that led to my depression — I just needed to realize that to work towards becoming a better me again.

Keep fighting with me.

“You can’t be brave if you’ve only had wonderful things happen to you.” — Mary Tyler Moore

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