When Depression Makes You an Unreliable Person

I’m not the most reliable person right now. My disorder is preventing me from being so. I would like to be more reliable, a better friend, a better wife, a better mom, a better employee. I just can’t, not right now.

I’m going through a period of depression. Nothing major, a bit of a random dip in my medication levels. We know the levels are back to normal. We checked. We just need to wait for it to catch up and for my body to rebalance. It’s taking awhile though. This is my third week off work.

I panic easily. I always have a bit of anxiety looming, but lately, everything is all panic attack inducing, no matter how small. Like getting dressed to pick up the kids at school or just getting up. Panicking made me unable to perform my regular duties at work. Even though, it’s pretty easy and only a two-hour shift. It’s made me unable to even get to work.

I’m not a reliable employee right now.

I’m tired. I fall asleep early at night (8:30 p.m. sometimes.) I wake up late (11:30 p.m. or later.) I do still get up to get the girls ready for school at 6:30 a.m. I can do it if I go back to bed after, and it’s easier if I do it for my husband’s schedule. However, a few times last week, I slept right through my alarms and the girls were, unfortunately, late for school. Teachers are advised on the issue but still.

I’m not a reliable mother right now.

My concentration isn’t the best. In fact, it’s been pretty absent. I forget things one second to the next, and I simply can’t muster the mental energy to get tasks done, like writing my NaNoWriMo or getting back to friends I promised to help with their project. I feel so terribly guilty every time I remember to do them, and I can’t muster the “thinking cap” to even think of a way to contact them about it.

I’m not a reliable writer or friend right now.

I have little energy. Most house chores feel daunting. Starting the laundry? Vacuuming? Folding the laundry? Dusting? No can do. Just the thought of it makes me want to crumble from exhaustion. It’s overwhelming. It’s guilt-provoking to think I can’t do the simplest tasks and that it all falls down on my husband.

I’m not a reliable wife right now.

That’s what depression can do to you. It’s not always tears, darkness and being rolled up in a ball in bed unable to get up (though those moments happen too). It’s also energy, stamina and concentration. Those things get affected as well, and sometimes symptoms can move around all those spheres. Right now, I’m not really crying in bed too much. I get teary and my throat tightens, but mostly, I’m just unable to muster up any energy.

I’m not a reliable person right now, and I apologize for it. It’s not a character trait that I value, and it’s not “me.” It’s my depression. My depression has a hold on me right now. Although I’m fighting it, it’s still winning some of the battles. It won’t be like this forever. I’m well treated. In this case, we know it’s just a medication imbalance that will get better sooner than later.

So no, I’m not a reliable person right now, but I will be in just a moment! Right after this nap…

Thanks for understanding. It means the world to me to us!

This post originally appeared on Bipolar Mom.

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