When I Need Someone to Rescue Me From My Inner Troll

Sometimes, it feels impossible to go on. So much responsibility. So much to do. I’m utterly exhausted.

I take care of my children every day. I help them grow and be healthy. I schedule their appointments. I take them to the doctor, to the dentist and to therapy. When my kids are melting down, I pick them up off the floor, listen to and try to validate their big feelings. Then, I wipe their tears and kiss their owies. I tell them that I love them, all the time, no matter what.

I advocate for my husband too. I schedule his annual exams and most of his follow-ups and other appointments because it overwhelms him. Even when I’m struggling, I take care of him when he struggles too. I am the audible voice saying, “Go take a shower now. You’ll feel better.”

Then, there’s me. I try to do all the things “they” say are important to do, but who is my “they?”

• I make all my preventative healthcare appointments and make sure to go.
• I go to weekly therapy, and I don’t miss appointments.
• I know that exercise is important. So I get out there and do it.
• I ask for help. Frequently.

I know I am a strong and capable woman. Yet, sometimes I’m bitter and resentful. I think to myself, “I ask for help and people help me. It has saved me, calmed me and eased my burden. Yep, way to go. Once again, you saved your brain, your kids, your family because you reached out. You do it all, once again. Does anyone do this for me?”

Who sees me? Who says to me, “What have you done for self-care lately? Did you make an appointment?” Who says to me, “I see you are struggling. Is there any way I can help?” The reality is most of the time no one asks me these questions without my prompting.

Then, one afternoon, I disappeared from my office and hid in another room to cry. I was Hermione in the first “Harry Potter” book. I was hiding in a bathroom, crying because I was hurting so badly. Then, a mountain troll came in and began to attack me, a dark and dangerous creature that was trolling my mind and threatening my life.

My co-worker and friend noticed. She noticed I had been gone a long time. My purse was still on my desk, and I wasn’t in the bathroom or any meeting room. She came and found me. She asked me if I was OK.

She was Ron and Harry who sought me out, found me and helped me fight off the mountain troll. She gave me a hug, and her care buoyed me. It gave me the strength I needed to get up from that chair, come out of that room and make it through the night.

I know many people care for me, and many people do ask questions. I am grateful for them. Yet, one person being my “they,” one person showing overt care, one person seeing me and saying it out loud, that means the world to me.

Fight the silence when you see someone struggling. They need you. I need you.

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