I am currently in a mixed episode. I am primarily in a hypomanic state whilst showing symptoms of mild depression. Mixed states are in a league of their own. I cannot keep up with my moods.
Earlier tonight, I was feeling depressed. I didn’t want to talk, move or do anything. An hour later and I am extremely irritable and restless, a downside to being hypomanic. I want to go out. I want to socialize. I want to drink, have sex, whatever! Anything just to be out of this apartment or to be doing something at all!
It is so hard to keep up with the mood changes. Normally, I cycle through moods every few days, weeks or months, but very rarely do I go through several mood changes in a day. These aren’t just the slight mood swings we used to get as teenagers. These are drastic shifts in mood. It is exhausting.
Right now, I am angry, angry because I am restless. Why did I have to sit around at home all night? Why didn’t I make plans to do something? Why didn’t I go and get myself a bottle of wine?
When these moods come, I get urges to do things that don’t make sense, break things and bang my head out of frustration. All senseless ways of releasing energy. If it wasn’t 10 p.m., then I would be going for a walk or something to ease the restlessness. Yet, years of insight gained has taught me to sit and ride out these moods as best I can.
It’s hard to explain, especially to people like my husband who like being homebodies, especially when I like being a homebody too. It’s hard to explain this sudden urge to want to do something, anything. Boredom quickly turns into frustration which turns into anger. I feel like screaming or literally pulling out my hair, punching the wall, banging my head on the wall or even throwing this laptop out the window.
Medication eases this feeling a little bit, and I am due for my daily dose soon. Hopefully, this feeling will subside. I’m emotionally and mentally tired of playing catch up with my moods. I need relief, something just to quiet the racing thoughts. They’re so fast they don’t even make sense. I can’t even grasp a thought long enough to figure out what is on my mind.
You may think to yourself, “This doesn’t sound too bad. Stop being a sook,” but it is bad. It’s so draining. In this state of mind, I haven’t the eloquence of words to properly explain to you just how tiresome and troubling these moods really are.
Yes, I am much more elated or hypomanic, but not in the sense of happiness. There’s a surge of energy going through me. It feels like fire or electricity. My whole body is tingling from it, but there’s also this burning anger and the urge to hurt myself just to release all these feelings.
It’s time to take my medication. Hopefully, this feeling becomes less intense and the medication dulls it down a bit.
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