Because of You: A Letter to My Autism

Dear Autism,

Because of you, there is no such thing as a quiet, flickering light for me.

There is no such thing as a moment with complete comfort, unless my mind is shut down.

Because of you, there is no such thing as complete confidence for me. Anxiety debilitates me.

Because of you, there is no such thing as a dull moment for me.

There is no such thing as a moment where I can feel content with where my body is.

Because of you, there are painful moments people cannot see. Even in the smallest things others might not notice. The smallest things (a slight change in routine/ritual, a certain sensory sensation) keep banging at my head like a hammer beating through my skull.

Because of you, there is no such thing as clear communication for me. The closest people I know think I’m being childish, I hate them, and/or this is happening for “no reason” as I am ignoring, screaming, crying, injuring myself and attacking them.

I am not angry at them, I promise. I am just angry at myself. I’m angry at feeling like I have to lash out or shut down for the words that find their way into my brain and hide. They hide, they bother me, and my chest and body is on fire for those words I cannot speak.

Because of you, there is never a moment when I’m not lost. I feel trapped so deeply inside myself, I cannot show one who I really am or how I really feel. My own mother for 19 years still tries to this day to find and understand me.

Because of you, there was never a dull moment in every milestone I reached. But no matter how small it was, it was always cherished because it meant I struggled more than most other kids to get there. And that was because of you.

Because of you, there is no such thing as a dull moment when I’m hidden in your repetition.

The times I pace the floor for hours to listen to the same songs….

The times I am on my toes, feeling as if the weight is lifted off my shoulders as I smile at the ceiling or the sky…

The times I rock back and forth to a sound or song as I am sitting…

I’m with you in my own personal world I created with you. And I like it. I understand this world, and things go my way in it. And most importantly, I can be freely autistic.

If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t find joy in the little things in the world the way I do…

When I look at the sky and see four groups of birds flying to their own little rhythm as if they were swinging around like the performers in a circus show.

When I look down and see the beauty of ice crystals individually clinging to the top of each strand of grass, glistening in the sunlight on a cold day. It’s amazing, it’s wonderful.

If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t find my place and my passion as I have.

Who knew I could spend hours at a time reading on one scientific study after another?

If it weren’t for you, I would be exactly where I am today, but I wouldn’t understand how to appreciate it.

And most importantly…

If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be the Lexy Locker everyone I know closely loves dearly.

The person who’s lived with you her whole life

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