When My Therapist Is on Vacation or Unavailable
I have a confession. I’m terrified. I don’t know how to survive without my therapist. Despite the support groups and contacts that were given to me, I feel completely lost.
I am so embarrassed by my need. I feel silly. I feel like she will hate me. Yet… I am completely reliant on her.
I’ve discussed transference with her. I’ve been completely open with her about my feelings. But the moment she texted me that I wouldn’t see her for three weeks, I completely shut down and I began sobbing for hours.
I miss her. I told her so. I know she isn’t reading her texts, but if I message into an oblivion, at least I feel somewhat connected.
I look at her photo on Instagram to remind myself she is real and not going to disappear. I feel embarrassed. I don’t want her to think I’m stalking her. But the truth is I am struggling to see her face, hear her voice in her absence. She is my safety, my security, my zen, my comfort.
Without her I feel lost. I feel abandoned. I feel alone. I feel like I cannot control my feelings. And I’m angry, scared and frustrated. I just want her to know what she means to me. Yet I’m embarrassed.
I understand this is normal, yet it’s so foreign. I’ve never needed anyone. I’ve never given my heart and history to anyone in the way I have given them to her.
I wish I could just cope, survive, be “normal,” allow her the privacy and independence of time. But I’m so frantic.
I embarrass myself. Yet I’m soothed by the knowledge that there is in fact one human being on this planet who I completely trust. Who I can be completely myself with. Who isn’t disgusted or scared or angry with the real me.
When your history is traumatic, finding this person can seem impossible. And yet when you find him/her, this can also be terrifying. Trust is so fragile. It’s fluid. It’s something you cannot possibly allow — but you want it more than anything.
So I say this. To C, my therapist: I trust you, I miss you, I love you, I depend on you, I respect you, and more than anything, I need you. Please enjoy this time for yourself and forgive me for intruding. But please understand how important you are and how much you mean to me. The power you hold is beyond the office. It’s about connection.
I’ve often heard that trauma like sexual abuse can only be healed through connection. You are my connection, you are my safe place, you are my trust, you are the vessel for my healing. And for better or for worse, I trust you above all else.
Image via Thinkstock.
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