I wake up every morning, hoping and praying it will be different — but it never is. I lie in bed, think about the day ahead and how easy it would be if I could just slip back into the darkness of sleep. I had three hours of sleep last night, a good amount for me at the moment.
I think about getting up. I have meetings today. The whole world seems too loud, too open and too scary.
What if I bump into a friend and have to speak to them? What do I say if they ask what I’ve been up to? I can’t tell them the truth. I can’t tell them I’ve been in my flat hiding from the world. What if I walk past someone I went to school with and they’re judging what I wear? What if I see a lecturer and they ask why I haven’t been to their class in weeks? What do I say?
My head is muddled. So busy with thoughts, feelings, emptiness and confusion. So many questions. So many opportunities to make a bigger joke of myself than I already am. I’ve been awake half an hour now.
I have meetings today.
I’ll email them and tell them I’m unwell. I’ll say I have a really bad migraine, or did I use that excuse last time?
Emails sent. I’m back to just me. I take my meds (not that they help), turn over and try to sleep. I end up staring at the roof. My head feels like it’s going to explode with all that’s going on in it. My stomach churns. My heart feels heavy. I feel like I’m suffocating.
I have meetings today.
It’s not 2 p.m., and I’ve achieved nothing, I put the TV on, but all it does is give background noise. I look at the pictures moving on the screen. I hear the voices of the people, but I don’t know what’s going on. I can’t focus on anything. I sit on my bed feeling so much yet feeling nothing at all.
One of my friends asks if I want to go for dinner tonight. I decline saying I have work to do. I don’t want to be a burden to people. I don’t want people to feel like they have to invite me places. If I can’t be happy on my own, then I can’t be happy with others.
I had meetings today.
It’s now 6 p.m. My tummy is starting to grumble at me, but I can’t eat. If I’m thinner, I think, then people will like me more, I’ll be happier, my friends will like being around me and my family will love me. I spend more endless hours doing nothing, trying to read a book, trying to do coursework, trying to not let my life fall apart, but it’s too late for that! I have to try and put the pieces back together as best I can now.
My friends keep texting things like, “Where have you been?” “Haven’t seen you in weeks.” “You OK?” I reply off hand to these, saying that I’m fine, I’m really busy or I’ve been sick. I just want to disappear into the background and not have to see people or talk to people. No one understands. I’m alone, scared and hurting.
I had meetings yesterday.
It’s 12:15 a.m. My flatmate is asleep, and I’m, as always, in my bed, thinking of sleep and the momentary peace it brings. If I could just sort out my sleep pattern, then everything might be better. But how? How do you switch your brain off?
It’s 3 a.m. I’m slowly drifting off to sleep, the only respite from a miserable existence.
I have meetings today.
It’s 7 a.m. I’m awake, awake to try and get through another day, another hell, more wasted time.
This is what I feel like when I’m in a depressive period. These can last days or weeks with no rest, no break and no happy times. There is no excitement about things, no looking forward to or enjoying things. Everything and everyone is moving on, and I am stuck. The same way, the same place, the same thoughts and feelings all at the time, inescapable, unbearable and incomparable.
My friends don’t know. My family doesn’t know. My lecturers don’t know, and even if they did, they wouldn’t understand. How can anyone understand when even I don’t?
I wake up every morning and ask myself if I’ll get through this day. Is it worth the pain to keep going? Will I manage to break free eventually?
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I’m a Scottish final year student nurse. I battle daily against my mind and my body. Borderline personality disorder is exhausting, it takes so much away from me and gives so little back. Endometriosis and polycistic ovaries mean I am in pretty much constant pain, flare ups cripple me and take away my independence. Throughout all of this is find a way to keep the incredible friends I have and my amazing partner, all who support me and help me when I need it. On here, I read, write and sure now and again when time and brain allows.
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