On the Days When My Pain 'Wins'

Getting out of bed is the hardest part of the day. Most days, I have to convince myself over and over that staying in bed is not an option. The second that my body pulls itself out of its nighttime slumber, the pain begins.  Sometimes it doesn’t sting until my feet hit the floor. Other days, it hurts as bad as it did when I went to bed the night before, if not worse. Most days I fight it, and I push through it. I force myself up and out the door, no matter how I’m feeling, but sometimes I just can’t. Some days my pain wins, and that’s OK.

There are days when I feel like a fighter. I feel empowered and as if I can take on the world. Other days, I can’t help but feel crushed beneath the heaviness of it all. Sometimes my bones feel so heavy that every step feels like a burden. Sometimes the pain is too great and fighting back is too hard.  There are times when it’s easier to succumb to the pain and let it weigh me down rather than fight back. On certain days, I don’t feel like a fighter, or a warrior. I just feel human, and that’s OK.

Most days, I am joyful and ecstatic, excited for the day. I radiate happiness and optimism, and I feel light and free. Other days, I feel emotionally drained. I feel as if I’ve run out of positivity, and my joy feels like it’s been stolen. On these days I have to remind myself that not every day is a good day. Some days the pain is just too much and I learn to accept that it is just part of my life. Some days I’m not overjoyed and uplifted. Some days, I have to cry and rest just to make it through the day, and that’s OK.

Not every day is a victory. When I fight back against my pain, I don’t always win. Sometimes it feels like my pain defeats me — it steals my joy, it brings me sorrow, it diminishes my hope. Every day is a different battle. Sometimes I have the strength for the fight, and sometimes I don’t. And on the days when my pain wins, I simply have to remind myself that it’s OK. Tomorrow is a whole new day, a whole new fight, and I’ll make it through, even if I don’t come out victorious.

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