When You Live With Depression, What Goes Up Must Come Down

At 24 years old, I don’t know how I am supposed to go the rest of my life on this rollercoaster of depression. While riding a rollercoaster, you are excited and smiling as you ride to the top, enjoying the ride. Then, you start to get anxious and nervous about not being able to see what is waiting for you on the other side. Just like that you are falling hard. That is exactly what has happened to me now.

Six weeks of good days. I had overcome my crisis. I had rebuilt the relationships that depression stole from me. I had gained the weight back that I had lost. I was taking my medication every day. I was attending my therapy sessions once a week. I graduated from RN school. I was happy.

A few days. That is all it took for my jeans to start fitting loose again. For me to push snooze on my alarm clock until 5 p.m. For me to run from those who love me. Again. The depression wasn’t gone, but I had it controlled. I was so afraid of the control. I always had the gut feeling it would find its way back, and it did.

They say what goes up must come down, and when I am “down,” I am disorganized, careless and someone I wouldn’t trust or want to even be around. If I am someone I don’t want to be around, then why would my family or friends want me around?

If what goes up must come down, then what is down has the ability rise. I am trying to tell myself to enjoy the rise, to enjoy the “up” and not to fear the downfall that could be coming.